I Had a Dream

Wow. This was originally written on May 4, 2010. Instead of posting it, I turned it into a draft. I am not sure why I did not put it out there back then. Could it be that I felt it made me feel too vulnerable? Perhaps. I think I have moved beyond these feelings now, but I am going to share this dream anyway. I am sure others may relate and these feelings may just come back.

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I had a dream last night. I was actively interacting with other people. We were outside…a parking lot? Whatever it was…it was paved. Whatever we were doing…it was no big deal. I mean…it is not like it was some kind of hard work. It was something social…but I am just not sure what it was specifically.

I was fighting to keep going…to keep participating. I felt so weary inside…so stretched. I just wanted to lie down…to stop being needed…just for a bit. I wanted…I needed…to be ministered to by others. I needed others to just know what I was going through and be there for me.

I finally allowed myself to start sliding to ground. On the way down, I heard it all over again. You will scare people. They won’t understand. They will just think you are being overly dramatic. Still…I decided to dare to take a chance.

So, I allowed myself to hit the ground…all the while feeling “guilty” about showing my own need. I just had to see what would happen if I shared my exhaustion…my pain…my struggle.

What happened? Nothing. I was completely ignored.

2011 in review

I thought this might be fun to share. It provides an interesting snapshot of the year.

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A New York City subway train holds 1,200 people. This blog was viewed about 4,300 times in 2011. If it were a NYC subway train, it would take about 4 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Parents and grieving & acceptance and peace…

I just reread my post with my last email to my father. You can find it here.

I feel no real emotions over this. It is as if I have been able to simply accept the fact that we do not, and will not (apparently), ever have a healthy relationship. It is done and I am at peace with that. They have made their choice. Yeah, sometimes I think about it and wonder, but not for long. There is no point dwelling on something over which I have no control.

So, yeah, I do finally have peace that I have done what I can…and it is enough. I still pray for them when I do think about them. I do not wish them ill. I really do hope they can find healing and peace before they die. I live my life as if I have no parents other than G-d. And that is OK. And it feels good to be able to say that, right now, I truly do not care. I feel indifferent.

Every once in a while I think about the possibility of hearing that one is dead, but that does not last long, either. I really cannot say how I would feel to get that news so there is no point in speculating on it. It is not something for which I think I can really prepare myself. I think I would probably cry…but not because I would miss them. No, it would be that I would be sad over all that they threw away…over all the things that could have been.

I have found that grieving needs to not only be for what was, but also for what was not. What was not is a legitimate loss…just as important as actually losing good things that were. I have lost my parents. The fact that I lost them probably before I was even born makes no difference. It is still a loss.

Their bodies may still be walking around, but whatever it is that makes them my parents died a long, long time ago. May my parents rest in peace. Still, I pray that they do wake up and truly live before they die.

Missing in Action…What About You?

Really…I am only missing because I AM in action. Everyday, I get up and show up and do what is in front of me to do.

I like most of what I do, but there are some things that I would rather replace.  There are things in my life that I think take up too much of my time. I feel the struggle for balance taking place on a regular basis.

I need to weigh the things in my life (including people) and figure out how to spend more time on the them than I am now. But that means spending less time on some things (including some people) than I do now.

This kind of decision-making does not come easy for me. I naturally want to do it all. Yet, really, who doesn’t? It is not that I want a harried, rushed life or anything. I just want to take the time to do all the things I find enjoyable. But I can’t. Every minute I spend on one person or thing, I am not spending on another.

So what, really, are the most important things and people in my life? This is something I am going to continue pondering as I enter this new year. I want to do this coming year better than I did this past year…not that I think I did this year badly…I just want to do better next time around.

How about you? How do you decide what things and people are most important in your life? Do you have regrets about this last year? Anything you wish you had done differently…or that you plan to do differently next year? Do you feel you have balance in your life?

Feel free to just think about these things or to actually answer them in the comments section.

Happy Birthday, Falcon!

Happy Birthday, Falcon! I still miss you and I think I always will.

Well, that’s not entirely true. I will always miss you in this life, but I know that, someday, we will be together again. I look forward to that day, my dear friend…to a day when we can dance together and laugh together and hug one another like we could not do in this life. Save a place at the table for me, Jeannette. I love you.

Comments Accidentally Turned Off…

I am not sure how it happened, but I suddenly realized that the comments had gotten turned off for the last half dozen or so posts. I just turned them back on and, hopefully, that won’t happen again.

Editing in…

Hmmm…I had to switch browsers to edit this post. For some reason, even though the comments were clicked to be on, as soon as I posted they were turned off. When I came in to edit this post, it would not take any of my edits. This is not good. So, I guess I will have to go back to my previous browser. I am NOT a happy camper about this.

Please, if anyone sees my comments turned off, please use the contact form to let me know! Thanks.

When Sadness Comes…

It is always amazing to me that I will be doing seemingly well…and then the sadness hits. I’m not sure of the cause, although I can certainly think of things that could cause it.

Life is neither good or bad…it just is. Good things happen. Bad things happen…and a whole lot in between. What makes the biggest difference in my life is how I choose to respond to it.

Will I allow the attacks of my spiritual enemy to bring me down? Or will I recognize the temporariness of the attacks and the inevitable end of my adversary?

Will I allow the bad behavior of others to overtake me? Or, will I rise above it…recognizing that the other person is a wounded soul…like me?

Will I allow the losses of people I care about overwhelm me with grief? Or will I recognize that they had every opportunity to choose YHWH? Will I walk in the hope of seeing them again?

Will I allow the suffering that the human race brings upon itself through its disobedience to YHWH’s ways cause me to despair? Or, will I look forward to that time when all suffering (and rebellion) will be gone?

As I sit in my feelings of sadness, pondering life, my heart turns toward my Abba. His love is a comfort to me…His heart touches mine in ways like no one else’s does. It is especially in times of sadness that I am more aware of YHWH’s arms around me…more aware of my future destiny with Him. This world is not my home.

One of the results of my life experiences is that I often don’t feel comfortable socially. I don’t really feel as if I fit in much of anywhere…and, yes, sad to say…that even includes gatherings or groups of “Christians”. But I know there is more to it than that. It is also part of knowing that this is not really my home. This world is very fallen and I just don’t belong here. It is my calling and my purpose to remain here for a while longer…yes. But ultimately…I am going to be with Yeshua forever.

That is my real home. That is where I will feel the most comfortable and where I will most fit in. That is where I will be completely healed and will no longer struggle.

I look forward to it.

Saying Goodbye to Parents…Again…

The time has come to say “goodbye” to my parents…so I did. Basically, my mother does not write at all and my father only writes about the weather…literally…the weather! So, this is what I wrote and I have peace about it. It is time. I have truly tried and they have not responded. Here it is. (I took out names and substituted explanations in parenthesis.)

*sigh*

I guess nothing will ever change. I am trying to have a real conversation…to build SOMETHING between us. Mom refuses to respond at all and you just want to talk about the weather while ignoring anything else I say. That is your right. You have done that for so long, I guess it would be odd for you to change now.

Do you really want to listen? Personally, I doubt that you can even hear me…or that you even want to hear me.

As far back as high school I felt as if something had happened between you and I. It was a persistent feeling that I kept shoving aside because I had no clear memories back then. But shoving aside the truth did not make it go away. It just simmered under there until the L-rd decided the time was right for some hints to come and, later, more complete memories.

I always felt uncomfortable going over to visit you and mom. I felt uncomfortable around both of you, but I kept going…trying to be the loving and dutiful daughter. Obviously…that is not important to you…just as I am not important to you.

I have a hard time understanding you. On one hand, you were the father who worked hard so that I could go to **** High School. On the other hand…you did not care about the fact that I felt uncomfortable with your kissing me on the mouth. You KNEW I did not like it…yet you persisted. Even when I would duck and dodge…you persisted. You did not care. I think you just wanted to maintain control over me. Even in my marriage, you and mom wanted to control me. It was so obvious…time and time again. 

Even before everything came down…before the memories started to come back…I did not really feel loved by you and mom. All you both seemed to care about was yourself. You did not care about how I felt.

You want me to respect you, yet you have not respected me. You would not even give me the courtesy of leaving me alone with (sis)’s body so that I could say “goodbye” in my own way. That hurt and just confirmed what I thought about you. 

You would not allow me to go with you to scatter her ashes…if you ever even did that. You made an unreasonable request for me to be alone with you and mom on an isolated beach. If it had not been for (hubby), we would not have gone to (where they used to live) to visit. He helped me to cope with wanting to have a “normal” family…and not having one. 

I think I know what you are doing. I think you are stalling because you want only one thing from me…access to (son). You know I won’t give it unless you give a damn about me first. When Mom dies, you will then try to hold that over my head…accusing me of being stubborn, unloving and hurtful by not allowing her to talk to (son).

Well…you know what? It won’t work. YOU are the one who won’t budge… who won’t give. If she dies without talking to him it will be on YOU. I have tried in so many ways… persistently… to build a bridge between us. But both sides have to want the bridge. It appears to me that neither of you want it.

l love you and mom, but that does not make me stupid. I refuse to push in where I am clearly not wanted. That would be rude of me. I write this with tears in my eyes. I love you, therefore, I am saying “goodbye”. I just can’t do this anymore. So I am going to give you what you want. I am going to leave you alone. I am blocking your email again. Don’t bother writing to me. There really is no point. I am not a weather only type of gal, so being that is all you are capable of talking about it serves no purpose to continue this dance.

If you want to give us the courtesy of knowing if one of you dies, just email (hubby). If you want to know if anything happens to one of us, you will also have to let (hubby) know. 

Even though I hate doing this…it does feel good because I know it is good for me. Hubby has been wanting me to do it for some time, but I had to be convinced of it myself. Well…now I am. It is simply time.

Sharing Another’s Post…

I just don’t have the time anymore to read much in the way of other blogs. I just pop in and pop out here and again. The more frequent the poster, the behinder I get in terms of trying to keep up. Well, today I popped in and found this gem. I just have to share it.

Although I have never had an overt problem with self-harm, I relate much to the idea of “attention-seeking” behaviour. I was raised to be the quiet inconspicuous one, but oh how I daydreamed about doing something to let people know how much I was hurting inside. I am sure that, if I had done what I used to daydream about, I would have told I was “attention seeking”. *sigh*

What did I most want? Just to know that someone saw…that someone cared…that someone was willing to love me…just as I was. Well…here is the post. It is by leesis.

Self Harm

And yeah, I know it has been too long since I have written here.

 

YHVH Is Good…

Ahhhhhhh…Life!

Wow! It seems as if it has been forever since I have come here to write. Life is full. Life is keeping my busy.

Communication with my parents consists of extremely sporadic emails from my father that do not tell me how my mother is doing with her melanoma. In fact, the only information I get is about the weather and the fact that he enjoyed his birthday. He did thank me for wishing him a Happy Birthday.  I just really don’t think it is going to go anywhere, but I will keep trying. Until one of us dies there is a chance. Maybe my love will wear them down…maybe not. That is OK. I still won’t call them or give them phone number and address.  My boundaries are high and my honey totally supports me in that. It is their call…and their loss.

I am drawing ever closer to YHVH. In fact, this being Yom Kippur, I am really taking a closer look at my heart connection to the Creator. He has done SO much in my life. Without Him, I would definitely NOT be doing as well as I am.

I haven’t been able to read other blogs for a while. Oh, I read one here and there…an occasional post or few, but I just don’t have the time to follow anyone consistently anymore. I think of everyone I have met online and they all hold special places in my heart.

Healthwise, I am doing OK, but I am definitely struggling with being unfit. It seems like I have little to no energy a lot of the time. I also feel unwell off and on. I just keep trying to work on getting into shape…in little bits and pieces. This is typically a tough month for me. It has not been too bad this year, but I definitely noticed it. My muscles started tightening up and sometimes it is difficult to breathe deeply because of it. I will get through this year just as I have all the previous years. I really can’t complain. I gotta run. Be back soon!

No, I Haven’t…

No, I have not disappeared from the face of the planet. Life is just very full right now. As a result, I am not writing as much, nor am I able to read the blogs of others as much. I AM here, though.

Just thought I would let everyone know.

Phew!

I finally finished the Webinar presentation for this weekend. I don’t typically like to cut it this close, but life has been happening.

The good news is that my hubby got a job. Yay! Things will still be incredibly tight for a while, but at least we are looking at a future and potential raises. I applied for a job and did NOT get it…which I am fine with, especially now.

The place we are living in is still unfinished…and while be for a LONG while. It takes money and time to finish it and we have neither. In fact, the time factor just went WAY down with hubby working…but I would rather have him working.

That also means one less person in the house during the day. I am introvert. Need I write more?  Awhile back I ran across a post titled 10 Myths About Introverts . It is an excellent article. Boy, do I relate! Having just one more person out of the house really makes a difference for me. I am still not alone, but I am one down. Woohoo! I do love him, but I live with one extrovert and another extrovert in the making.

Well…I am signing back off. The Webinar this Saturday is called Journaling: Going Beyond the Book. It deals with non-traditional types of journaling and, if you hurry, you can still sign up for it. Just go here. They have a sliding scale fee and, if you can’t afford anything at all, you can ask for a scholarship. All money goes to the support of Survivorship.

Woman, Thou Art…Bound???

I found a post on healing that had some really good thoughts. So good, in fact, that I am sharing it here with you. It is called “Woman, Thou Art…Bound???“.  Heather at Promised Land Ministries blog wrote it.

Too many times, we try to speed up healing. We want it to be quick and easy. Don’t go too deep. Don’t prod too hard. Yet…the deeper the wound…the deeper the healing must go! Otherwise, things fester inside and the results are not good.

Heather says it well, so I won’t repeat it all here. I highly recommend that you go read what she has written. And let her know that OneSurvivor sent you.

Communicating With Father…

Well…the last time I had written my father, I forwarded it as a document to my hubby. He sent it on to my father…with a message of his own. Here it is:
(My father),

As far as I am concerned, (me) does not need to communicate with you. You have done nothing a loving father would do and have shown over the years you really do not care for her by your attitude toward her. A normal father would be concerned with what she remembered but would realize whether it happened from your point of view or not, it is still real to her. They would be willing to work through things, instead of attacking like you have done. You have always reacted as someone who knows they are guilty would react. You are more interested in protecting yourself rather than actually trying to get to the bottom of things.

Having said that, I am not the one who will stand in the way of a daughter who has shown the desire to break through and love you  both any way. I am not the one who has to put up with the garbage that you spout. She will.

Attached is a letter she wrote to you answering your comments. I would not have bothered. Even though she knows how I feel she still wants to try. (THAT SHOULD TELL YOU SOMETHING.)
As far as I am concerned, if you don’t want to try to seriously break down the barriers from your end, then don’t bother even responding to her letter.

Go, hubby!

At the time, I had a little bit of reluctance to have him send that. However, nothing was getting through…nothing was changing. I figured he might as well tell it like it is.

My father actually wrote back…almost TWO WHOLE MONTHS LATER!! This is one reason nothing much happens between them and I. It takes months…literally…between emails.

This is what he wrote:

Subject: prayer

I have prayed about this; and prayed some more.

The end result of all my prayer is one word; “listen”.

Okay, I am listening.

Dad

I thought about it, but waited to respond. I had just listened to a teaching that hubby thought I would like, but it turned out to be the wrong one. This one was on honoring your parents…which is fine. However, the guy (according to my hubby) does not seem to recognize the inside damage done when there is sexual abuse. Kudos to hubby again!

I finally wrote back to my father. Hubby had suggest simply writing: “I love you and mom. Can we start from there?” Well…I did not write exactly that. I needed some time to think about it. This is what I wrote:

Dad,

If you are really listening, then listen to this:

I
choose
to
love
you
and
Mom.

I don’t have to. I choose to…in spite of everything.

Is that not a place from which we can start to build SOMEthing? Can we not talk about some of the positive/neutral things that happened in our family…try to find some common ground upon which to relate to one another?

This is not easy for me. In fact, it is downright hard. Yet, I am willing to try.

I cannot help what I remember. In spite of those memories, I am willing to at least try to connect with you both.

Do I expect anything from it? Not really. The last time he said he was listening, he gave me a list of things HE wanted to hear…mostly details about what he “supposedly” had done…places, actions, when, where. I cannot and will not do that. The cost is too high in this situation. I am taking care of myself and I just do not trust him.