Staying Safe As Survivors In Our Interactions With Others…Part 1

I was asked to write an article on staying safe as survivors. There was so much to say on the subject that the article ended up going well beyond the standard length they needed. So, after giving an abbreviated version to publish, I am breaking the longer one into sections to post here. This is the first post. Others will follow.

Intro

I know there are unsafe people out there, but do I really need to be concerned people I only “meet” online? Aren’t other survivors safe? After all, they have been through horrible things like I have! They understand. What about my therapist? Can’t I count on my therapist to be safe? Do I really need to be concerned about safety with people who are not my former abusers and/or cult group members? I intend to answer those questions in this series of posts. When I am finished, it will be clear that the answer to the last question is a resounding “YES”! You DO need to be concerned…especially if you are multiple. However, you do NOT need to be fearful…just WARY and WISE.

I am NOT a professional. I am drawing from my own personal experiences and from the experiences of dear friends and others I have met online. These are my observations and I hope that writing this will help others to experience healing while avoiding the possible negative side of personal interactions. The Internet can be an incredibly wonderful tool for healing. Yet…there ARE “horror” stories out there. I never want someone to go through any of the horrible things that I, and others I know, have gone through.

This series of posts will cover connecting with others…whether in person, on the telephone or through the various online methods of interfacing such as email, Instant Messaging and forums. It will cover interactions with different types of people, such as with those who are offering us “professional” help, those who want to be our “friends”, and those who want to be in a “supportive” role or even a “care giver” role.

The greatest vulnerability I have seen comes with those of us who are multiple, so that will be the main focus, although a lot of this information could apply to non-multiples, too. I appreciate that some do not like the term “alter”, however, I will be using that term simply for ease in writing. The term “professional” or “therapist” could refer to any kind of trained person offering help, whether that person is licensed, has a degree, or any kind of certification. It could also include someone who has “religious” or “spiritual” training.

The wide variety of potential situations, people and systems necessitates writing some general statements. I cannot possibly cover every scenario or every nuance of people’s personality types and systems and the way their traumas affect them. However, I hope to be able to give you enough information for you to be able to adapt it to your own person/system and situation.

Although I will at times address the issue of cults, or cult-like behaviours, I will not cover the process of separating from the cult. There are many good articles written by people far more knowledgeable in that subject than I.

Abuse can be blatantly obvious or it can be very subtle. Sometimes, in our desire to believe that everything is OK and that the person we are hoping will help us is safe, we can ignore important indicators, or brush them aside. That can be very dangerous.

Holding On Amidst Busyness

Sometimes, life just has so much busyness for me. Things start to pile up and I feel overwhelmed. I find myself pulling back from places, people and things I enjoy…not just physically due to time, but also emotionally due to just feeling so overwhelmed.  I am focusing on only those things that really need my immediate attention…which, of course, includes family.

I was asked to write an article on Internet safety. Well, it turned out to be much longer than I thought it would be as I wanted to cover the subject as thoroughly as I can. So, I decided to abbreviate it for publication and put the longer one here on my blog in a series of posts. I hope to put the first post up momentarily. Knowing how life can be so distracting, however, we will see.

I am struggling through this winter…doing OK…yet struggling. Overall, I am handling it fairly well…just needing to pull back as I wrote above. I am getting through and this, too, will pass…all things do at some point. Sometimes, I really do get so tired of things being thrown at me. I just want to curl up for a bit and veg…which is not necessarily a bad thing to do. I just don’t get much accomplished while doing that…nor do I have any real privacy to do that. Oh, well…life is oftentimes not what we want it to be. *sigh*

But it is OK. It WILL get better. I WILL get through all things. I have made it this far. *smile*

Holiday Choices and Depression

This is a time of year that can be very difficult for a lot of people. For survivors whose abusers took advantage of trying to destroy all joyful memories of holidays…it can be even tougher. At this point, I don’t really recall much in the way of negative memories regarding Christmas. However, as I pointed out in my previous post, all emotions from the past are difficult…whether good or bad.

I am missing my far away family and I am also struggling with my living situation. I am going into year number five like this and it is really difficult. I had the chance to get away from it for five days, but the day after I came back, I got hit really hard. I am fighting depression big time, but am plugging my way through it. Today I placed another order for SamE. I find the Jarrow brand works pretty well for me. I took two today and have one more left. I think it is helping a bit.

Life can have a lot of twists and turns. I have to just rest in my heavenly Abba and trust that He is going to get me through this…just as He has the last four winters. I know He has a plan. I know that it is ultimately good. Why we have to wait in these circumstances…I do not know. It would be easier if I knew the reasons behind this…but I don’t. Oh, well. I am just going to have to keep learning to rest in Him…to trust that His timing is best.

In the meantime, I will choose to enjoy whatever I can of life.  Today I got to spend some time with friends. It was a nice time away from home.

Bittersweet Memories

This is a time of year when I tend to think more about my family of origin…or foo…as some refer to theirs. Thinking about foo always brings mixed feelings.

I can remember “good” times…like when we waited with great anticipation to see if it would snow by Christmas. I recall the wonderful feelings I had looking out at the falling flakes…all fluffy and white. Or the excitement of looking out the window in the morning and seeing the ground all covered with a thick layer of white.

And then, if I am not careful, the intense emotion starts to hit. For some reason…even remembering good things tends to lead to emotional overload. I don’t know why. Even the best of memories can start me on that roller coaster ride of emotions. Why?

Perhaps it is because my memories seem to be so few…so scattered. Could it be that all the good that is buried comes to the surface in those few glimpses of the past? Or could it be that painful memories are masked by that intense “good” feeling…that “good” memory. Could it be that the intensity of good emotions…an intensity so strong as to be “painful”…is just a coverup for the very real pain lying underneath? Could the intensity be a way of my system telling me not to trust that the good feelings were all there was? A way of telling me that I need to keep looking…that there are hidden painful things I need to be open to seeing? I don’t know.

I think of Christmas and the wonder of it all. There is always one particular Christmas that comes to mind. I remember the house. I remember the location…even the address. I remember looking for the snow. I remember my sister and I getting matching pj’s for Christmas. I remember getting a Mary Poppins book. I can almost smell the tree. I get an emotional “feeling” or sensation that I was feeling then. I can see the lights on the tree in the darkened room. What I cannot see…is my sister.

I know she is there, but like so much of her life…I cannot see her. I cannot remember her. We lived in the same house for 10 years and I can barely remember her a handful of times during our growing up years…at the most. I am thankful to have been able to connect with her at least a little before she died.

I cannot remember my parents on that Christmas, either; but I know/sense they are there…lurking somewhere on the edge of my “vision”…with my sister. I do remember more of my parents than I do of my sister. Then again…I guess that is not saying much, is it?

Memories are funny. You cannot select only the bad ones to “forget” or to bury. The good ones go, too.

I am starting to feel older. I know my parents are very elderly by now. Although there has been some email contact…it has not really gone anywhere. And that, too, is bittersweet. Well…maybe just bitter. There isn’t really any sweetness about it. I have done what I could. I have opened the door and allowed them to see that they can still get hold of me (should they ever decide to confess, etc. ) There are things I wish we could talk about…things I wish I could ask…but I know they are not in that place…at least not yet.

This year, I am thinking of Hanukkah more than I am of Christmas. After all, we know Yeshua was not born even in this time of year, let alone on the 25th. So, for me, it is almost a cultural/social holiday…even though I think a lot of Yeshua’s coming…then and in the future. But this is the first year that I am thinking more of Hanukkah.

My foo never celebrated Hanukkah. In fact, I have a feeling that my father would probably be very disapproving. Oh, well. There was a miracle of lights…so legend has it. I think of how the Light of the World came to dwell amongst us. I think of the miracle of the lights represented by Hanukkah. It is not hard to link them together.

I also think of how light has come to me in my healing walk. So much darkness in my past…darkness that has…over time…been slowly replaced with light. I don’t doubt that there is more darkness in there to be revealed…I am OK with that. I know that the Lord of light…the very Light of the World…is here with me to walk me through whatever more is there to be revealed. I know I can count on Him to never leave me or forsake me…to never abandon me.

Do my parents think of me during this time? Do they even care? Does it even matter? They cannot change my healing. I cannot change them. Yet…I hope that during this Hanukkah time…they will allow the only One who can bring true deep and lasting healing to truly be a part of their lives. I hope they accept His love for them and that they, too, will be healed.

People are not born abusers. They are born with a propensity to selfishness, yes. They are born fallen creatures in a fallen world wanting their own way. But cruel abusers? No…they are made into that…not born that. Whatever my parents (and other abusers) went through…I hope they find healing. I hope they can bring all that darkness inside to the true Light of the world…Yeshua. I hope that they, too, can find healing Shalom…real peace…even in the midst of their pain.

Inner Movement and Appearances

I was sitting here trying to work on something else and my mind just kept swirling around. It was difficult to focus. So, I decided to come write here instead.

What is going on? I suspect it is mostly the recognition that there is still deep work to do. It is as if there is movement inside…just under the surface…a movement that reminds me there are still voices to listen to. There are stories to be told…missing chapters to uncover in the book of my life. I was reminded of that in a phone conversation I had yesterday with a well known (and I am sure very busy)  therapist who gave very graciously of his time. I am very grateful for the opportunity I had to talk with him and ask him questions.

My life is full…and sometimes it feels overfull…to my way of thinking. To others, it may seem to be fairly quiet and sedate, but not to me. It does not take much for me to feel a bit overwhelmed…for me to feel the weight of trying to do things…and to appear “normal” through it all. I experience the pressure of needing to either participate in things…or have a good reason to give why I am not or why I can’t. When I say a “good” reason…I mean one that others can understand and accept without me feeling vulnerable.

As I write that, I realize how that sounds. Truth is…I owe no one any kind of explanation. Yet…there are some people that I believe I do. When I take on a project (some of which are not really optional for reasons I cannot go into here), there are certain expectations. If I am unable to meet them, then someone else has to pull my weight. That creates an inner conflict. I neither want to be seen as a shirker…nor as weak. Why do I care? Integrity. A good name is valuable…so, yes, I do care about anything that I perceive could possibly effect my good name.

I also care about not looking like I am crazy or something. I guess the only real assurance of that is the fact that people see me all the time functioning fairly well. So, if I sometimes have difficulty and explain that I have PTSD, I guess I probably come across as “normal”…which I am for someone who has been through what I have been through. Still…I don’t like to stand out…especially in negative ways.

 

Being Thankful?

Years ago, I remember struggling so much with life that it was difficult to find things about it to enjoy…things to be thankful for. There were times when I had to really work at it. It seemed like life was hitting me constantly and I could barely even catch my breath…let alone truly enjoy life.

It is much easier now to find things to be thankful for…to see the blessings in my life. Still…there can be those moments when I am triggered and all I can think about is getting through the next moment. I am thankful that those days are few and far between compared to what they used to be like.

My living situation is going to change…for the better. Hopefully, it will happen before winter…but it may not. I am very thankful for the upcoming change. However…with that change I know there are going to come challenges.  I have been holding things under the surface of the pool of amnesia. I have not really had any choice in the matter due to my current living situation. But what will happen when it all changes?

Although the new situation will free me up in many ways…I am also aware that it will free up other things…things that have been hidden for a very long time and buried deep within. While I am sure that some of the “calm” that I have been experiencing is the result of hard work and healing…I cannot help but wonder how much of it is simply that I have had to stay in shut down mode. How much will start surfacing…screaming for attention…when my situation no longer forces me to keep it all inside?

Sometimes I get vague flashes of things…kind of like what another blogger wrote in his post: Opening Yourself Can Tire Most Kids.  Michael wrote, “You reach inside, focusing on a part that has rarely seen the light of day, or a memory that gets recalled only when you see a phrase or two on another’s blog and so you must go within to retrieve that just-now-remembered something from your inner Self.”

I relate to that. Thing is…it is very difficult for me to get even the flashes. It is harder still to get to whatever is behind them. Will that change when my living situation changes? It very well might. In fact, I am hoping it will.

So…what does have to do with being thankful? Well…I guess I am pondering if I will still be thankful when the good changes also allow a lot of pain to come to the surface…when the relative calm inside that I have been experiencing more and more gets disrupted by the storms of healing.  Will I still be thankful?

I think I will. I want to move forward…no matter how hard it is. One foot in front of the other. I want to understand more about who I am and what I have been through. I want to know whatever it is that I need to know in order to move forward.

I have relied upon my Creator for my healing. I have trusted Him to show me the truth…in the right time and in the best way. He has never failed me. My heavenly Abba has been holding my heart all along. For that…I am very thankful.

My husband…what can I say about him? He has been so patient…even when I know he has been extremely frustrated with me. The change will effect us, too…how we are able to relate to one another. Huge changes are on the way. While I look forward to them…I am also terrified of them…if I get really honest with myself. I have hope…and I have trepidation. The potential taps into some very deep things.

Yet…I am determined to be thankful. I have learned that being thankful is not something I feel…it is something I choose to do. I decide. I have choice. And this choice no one can take away from me. My abusers took a lot of my choices away…but they can never take this one.

Finally!

I ran into a therapist back in 2005 who was very unethical. Between her and her clients, I was put through hell on her online forum.

Well, I found out a couple of months or so ago, that some of her clients were filing complaints against her. And not just her clients, but even another very reputable therapist is filing a complaint on behalf of several of her former clients. Apparently, they went to him after they left her and what they shared with him about her methods so concerned him that he felt he had to file.

I was asked to write something up to at least include with their complaints. I was not sure about it at first, but I did finally start working on something. I think I finally have it finished now. I still need to fill out the forms, get it copied and mail it in. It has already been emailed to a friend who was a partial witness to make sure it makes sense.

Truth always wins in the end. Even if it does not reign victorious right now…eventually it will. She will either answer in this life or the next for what she has done. It is my prayer that she will get her life right with our Creator and that she will stop harming people.

The Incest Survivors’ Aftereffects Checklist by E. Sue Blume

I just found a post that contained information for incest survivors.  It is called:

The Incest Survivors’ Aftereffects Checklist, by E. Sue Blume.  I read it at The Survivor Manual, which is run by the Angela Shelton Foundation.

I highly recommend checking it out. I know there were things on that list that hit home for me, even though quite a few did not. Some were things that no longer apply. It is nice to know that I have had some healing!

As Blume points out…you have to use information carefully. I know that it can be dangerous to assume abuse due to symptoms. Some symptoms can come from other causes. However, symptoms can be an indicator of something being wrong and help us to become more aware of what the truth might really be. They can cause us to become more vigilant and able to see things that we might have been missing previously.

Sharing and Grounding

I just read a post called: Trauma Therapy Tools: Grounding. It is on The Survivor Manual blog done by the Angela Shelton Foundation. This particular post is written by Dr. Kathleen Young.

Boy, did it hit home with me. She writes about how to learn how to stay present…especially in doing healing work. This is especially true of when sharing our stories. While we need to share our stories, how and when we do it can be either a positive thing or a negative thing. Telling before developing coping skills can lead to retraumatization.

One thing she wrote that really stood out to me is this:  “In fact, some trauma survivors are able to tell their stories easily, but in a dissociated manner.”

I have noticed how I can often talk about being a ritual abuse survivor without it effecting me. Sometimes, I can even describe some of it (in general) without it effecting me. I can sit and let my mind wander back over it…and just not be all that bothered. If I am not careful, it makes me wonder if what I remember is even real.

Then there are those times when I will allow my mind to wander a little too closely. As I really start to think about what happened, I find the dissociated emotions starting to kick in and reconnect with the visuals. I find myself choking up. At times, this can even lead to more memories.

I want to be able to talk to someone about this…yet…talking does make it more real.It is as if…by not really talking about it…I am able to keep it to the side…within the realm of “maybe it is not real”. If/when I start to really talk about it…one of two things happens. I either push it farther away and feel almost as if I am trying to deceive someone…or the emotions come closer…making it more real.

It is like this tug of war…less real vs more real. Typically, I stay somewhere in the middle of it all…caught between not wanting it to be real and wanting to reconnect it all together because I know that it is real.  I want to be able to have the freedom to actually talk about it…to describe the bits and pieces that try to float through my consciousness. Yet…when I try to grab those bits and pieces…I think I tend to automatically dissociate it away.

Everyone has to do healing in whatever way works best for them. For me…to do life…pretty much means to present in a mono-minded fashion. It also means to not talk much about the RA or allow it to “effect” me. Dealing with RA means dealing with those parts of myself that hold the memories the closest. I have no real avenue for doing that. I wish I did. I wish my environment at least allowed me to do it with myself. I don’t even have that.

There is power in the spoken word. There are things I can barely even write about (unless I do it in that unphased state — dissociation). Even less can I verbalize about them. Speaking it has power. It makes it real. It is validating. It starts to reconnect the emotion to the event…which is probably why I find myself so distanced from the emotions. It is probably also why, when I do start to speak of it, my mind tells me that I am being deceptive…that it could not possibly be real because of the lack of emotion.

A Catch-22. If I speak…the emotions can come more easily. The emotions are validating. My mind…in order to protect me…instantly holds the emotions at bay…keeping them back. The lack of emotions feels like deception…so memories must not be real. What a circle:   Speaking brings the emotions. Mind holds emotions back. So speaking feels like deception. So validation turns into subtle denial.

Reading that post led me into this train of thought. Dr. Young has a more complete post on her blog. I am going to go read it:
Staying Present During Trauma Therapy: Grounding Techniques and see what else comes up.

Finding Joy in Life, Part 2

This is continuing from Finding Joy in Life, Part 1.

But let’s get back to whether or not I can be happy and carefree…whether I can just enjoy life. Yes…I can…with limitations. My current living situation is extremely draining. That definitely makes it harder to enjoy life…but not impossible. Again…so much depends upon attitude. At times, I have to really work at finding things to be grateful for and to enjoy about life, but I do.

The biggest struggle, though, comes from what I know about what is going on in the world. Once I started to get my SRA memories back, that really changed things for me. Ironically, I already knew a lot of what was going on, but now it was personal. It is more difficult to ignore it.

I have survivor friends who suffer far more than I…at least to my way of thinking. They might disagree with me, but I think I have a pretty strong argument in my favor. Add to that the fact that I am way more aware of what is happening out there in the realm of ritual abuse. This is especially the case during this time of year.

October 31st is the highest “sabbath” for the satanic realm. The months leading up to that are involved with selection and preparation of the children who will die during the days surrounding that day. Yes…it is more difficult to just enjoy life when I know that is going on. And when I CAN push that aside? Well…then I start to feel guilty for being able to do that…as if I am somehow betraying those who still suffer or who will die at the hands of the cults. That is what led to the post Tough Time of Year and Survivor Guilt.

I am also aware of the fact that this area is filled with a lot of cult activity. There is a Masonic lodge in almost every single town…even the tiny ones. Most towns were founded by high ranking Masons. It is ironic that it should bother me so much here seeing as how, where I lived before, I was only about 5 to 10 minutes away from a Masonic compound. And I do mean compound, complete with keypad locks and Constantina wire on top of the fence. Gee whiz…wonder what they would need that kind of security for!

Perhaps it is also because we are so rural here. Being rural gives us privacy…sort of (we are not THAT rural), but it also causes me to feel more vulnerable. Here…like back there…I have to trust my Creator for protection…a protection I have actually seen Him do more than once.

I have always been very aware of the darkness, but there are times and places in which I am more sensitive to it. There are times and places in which my PTSD is felt more…when I am triggered more easily. It is during those times and in those places where it is more difficulty to just feel at ease and enjoy life. However, that does not mean that it is impossible to feel a deep inner sense of peace and joy. Although I may feel the strains of this life, I do have the joy and peace of knowing what is coming in the next. I know that my Lord and Creator walks with me through all of this…even when the PTSD is raging.

I have had to write this over several days with LOTS of interruptions, so…I hope this makes sense! I know that I have covered a LOT of different things in these two posts…things that probably should really have whole posts in themselves. If I can find the time, perhaps I will write more about those individual things. In the meantime, others are welcome to comment or ask questions. I welcome discussion and ideas for more posts.