Posts Tagged ‘death’

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Another Poem…

October 30, 2012

You can go here to see the poem I wrote today.

An October Poem

Every year it “bothers” me less. No…I don’t think that is the right way to put it. It is just that I am less aware of it…or I am aware of it later in the year. I don’t think about it as soon. But once I am aware of it, it does bother me.

I think, too, that it bothers me inside. I “feel” it on the outside as a kind of fog and struggle to concentrate, but I oftentimes don’t connect what I am struggling with to the time of year until later. I “think” it is not bothering me as much when, in reality, I think it is.

I work hard to push things aside so that I can do life…and that is fine. There is a time and place for that. But there is also a time and place for recognizing what is and working with (and through) that.

So, here you have it. Writing the poem was good. It was therapeutic. It was needed. I have GOT to work on the office for a hide away.

My life is still a bit too full. I am still working on it…figuring out my priorities. Things will come together, but I need to give myself some breathing room…especially during this time of year. It is OK to fall apart. It is OK to not be able to do all I would “normally” do…or that I want to do. It is time to be extra good to myself.

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Curve Balls in Life…

April 1, 2012

Life is full of surprises. Just when I think I am on a somewhat even keel…something happens to remind me that my “even keel” is, at times, rather precarious. Want an example? I could give many, but I will give one from tonight.

I am still working through my mother’s death and all the weirdness surrounding it and my whole life. Still being partially amnesic adds an interesting element to the mix.  I was not close to my mother, so her death does not hold the sting of losing something I had. Rather, it is about losing the opportunity to ever have it…in this life. I will never be close to her. There will never be reconciliation…in this life. We won’t hug…

I thought I was doing pretty much OK…getting back to some kind of even keel…when I saw a movie scene tonight that triggered a crying jag. Yeah…I am still affected by it. Can’t really help that. It was of a mother and son reconciling. I had seen this movie several times before, but this is the first time since word of her death.

(OK…gonna ramble a bit here.)

And speaking of her death…not only did my father not notify us, he did not notify anyone in her family either. The only obituary I could find did not list any next of kin…not even my father…who is already remarried. I wish I could find a wedding date, but the state they live in holds those kinds of record private. Only one year and 3 months ago she died and he is remarried. Like father like son? Family legacy? I don’t know. What can you say about generational abuse? It keeps on passing down. I am doing my darndest to make sure it stops in my generation. I really don’t know how successful I was at that. Perhaps that is one of the blessings of amnesia.

Anyway…just needed to get some thoughts out here tonight. I am still processing. I will be for a long time. And I am working on forgiveness. I refuse to lock myself in a prison of the heart by holding a grudge. Just not going there. I choose to walk in freedom and my heavenly Abba helps me to do that. I sure could not do it on my own. Nope. No way.

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Or…Could It Be Two Wrong Answers?

August 1, 2011

The flip side of two right answers is two wrong answers. Each choice has a positive side and a negative side.

If I call, I see several possibilities:

*They might have put up call blocker which settles it as I won’t give my phone number out. Even if I was willing, my hubby is not and I am trusting him to watch out for my son and me.

*I might have to face talking to my father. I did talk to him the time when I called. My mother asked if she could put him on the phone and I said “yes”. Neither of us really said much of anything. I don’t remember what was said, but I do know it was very short…probably because he is hard of hearing?

*I might actually get somewhere with my mother. Boy…am I dreaming or what???

*Any contact might result in my father sending a nasty email to my hubby…which, of course, I do have the option to read or not. I do believe hubby would tell me if my father wrote.

*My mother might actually email me. Although my father’s email is blocked…her’s is not.

*If I am rebutted…at least I will know I tried…again.

If I don’t call:

*I won’t have to face any weirdness…other than what my father might send to my hubby.

*I may always wonder if I was just being smart…or being a wimp. I mean…seriously…what can my father (or mother) really do to me? I have pretty much known where I stand for years. My mother confirmed it when I talked to her on the phone and my father confirmed it in an email. What could he possibly say or do that can really hurt me? I drew the boundary lines about 9 years ago. Nothing seems to have really changed.

Whether I call or not, I am faced with the possibility that my father may never let me know if my mother dies and vice versa. While not a pleasant thought, I am prepared for that possibility.

(As it turns out, my father did write before I got a chance to post this. More to come.)

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Two Right Answers?

July 9, 2011

In our Good Grief group meeting this last week, AR suggested that the two choices I have are both right. That neither one is wrong.

I can choose to take the emotional risk to once again call my parents. Or, I can choose to not take the risk…especially given the history and the next to zero chance that anything will have changed…and especially since my parents DO know how to contact me should they wish to actually connect.

We were talking about guilt…guilt over things we wish we had or had not said or done with the person we had lost. My focus right now is my mother who has melanoma. Although any relationship we once has been gone long ago, her death will bring a final end to any possibility of change.

My husband referred to it as “anticipated” guilt. I had shared how I am looking forward and wondering what decision I should make and whether it will be the right one. How can you know? One thing AR said is important is that we keep talking about the things we are experiencing surrounding the losses we have. Keep talking until we can work through it.

I have been pondering his comment that both decisions are right. In my mind, I kept feeling like I was being a wimp…too fearful to face my father’s abusive words. And what if my mother is somehow being controlled by my father? Forget that she was abusive, too!

In our last conversation, my mother admitted that it was being pushed aside for my son. She said she REALLY WANTED (her emphasis) for me to understand why that was…that it was IMPORTANT that I know. Then…no more contact. It could be manipulation. It could be that she actually let her guard down and got real for a couple of minutes. It could be all kinds of things.

I think it was really helpful for me to hear AR say that BOTH decisions were right….especially since he knows a lot more details than the other women in the group. He knows my parents are toxic for me from meeting with me previously.

I just want to do what is right, but having it pointed out that they KNOW the door is open…they KNOW they can write my hubby and my mother can write me…helped bring a more balanced perspective. It IS helpful to hear that from outside of myself.

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Sui…well, you get the idea…

January 16, 2011

Within a few days, I read four things about suicide. One was a post at DIDiva where she gives a link to an article in the Huffington Post about a young man who killed himself. Reading that really made me very sad for him and for all the others who feel so alone…who feel such overwhelming darkness…and who feel that taking their life is the only real option. I am glad that he wrote a letter explaining what he did. Maybe it will help others.

I think it was the same day that I also read an online friend’s description of the aftermath of a suicide attempt. She especially wrote about the effects on the body. She also included a link to another person I know online whose blog I had never read…although we had crossed paths. That person mentioned an attempt in her year review…which led me to explore her blog a while.

I kept reading and wanting to respond, yet could not bring what I was feeling into words. Or at least not into words that I felt would do any good or have any kind of usefulness. I finally decided to write a post here instead, but had neither the time or wherewithal to put my feelings into thoughts and my thoughts into words on the screen. I just kept mulling it over…and experiencing emotions.

I can think of reasons that posts like that draw me. One is that it is possible that my sister committed suicide. I don’t know that it was intentional, but she did die as the result of her own actions. Some of those actions took the long, slow route…like bulimia and alcoholism. Boy was she a fighter…when the cult was not slapping her down.

I have received different stories about what happened and have even spoken with the coroner and read her report. I know my sister. There are things in the report that are fishy. But, hey, that is not exactly surprising considering how strong the cult is in that area. For example, my sis was a hard-core bulimic. For that alone, she was really living on borrowed time. Add to that alcohol. Know that those two things do to the body? It isn’t pretty. Yet, her stomach and liver were “unremarkable”! Excuse me! Unremarkable???? That is so wrong! Nothing about her teeth or knuckles, either. Personally, I think the family she lived with wanted to get rid of her and what they describe to me backs up my thought.

So that is one reason writings like that catch my eye. Another is that I have friends who struggle with this issue…a lot. And I care very much about them. I don’t want to lose them and I can only pray that they really know how much they mean to me…without them feeling pressured by that. I hope that makes sense.

I especially appreciated the post describing the aftermath because I have thought of suicide most of my life. I am pretty much beyond it now, but there was a time when it was on my mind…a LOT. It was not so much that I wanted to die. I just wanted the pain to stop…which is what I suspect happened to my sister. I think she was trying to number herself and over did it…or her battered body just finally gave out.

So…why am I alive? There are a number of reasons. I have always been determined not to leave that legacy to my loved ones…especially my children. I know that survivors of a loved one’s suicide are a lot more likely to commit suicide themselves. I did not want to put them at risk. Therefore, I searched for ways to do it that would not be obvious…that no one would think my death was intentional. I couldn’t find one.

There was also the fact that I believe I am here for a reason. The end of my life is G-d’s domain…not mine. Hard as it has been at times…I want to honor that. Fear of hell used to keep me alive, but I no longer believe that people go to hell for taking their lives. For other things, yes…but not for that. Not wanting to have to stand before my heavenly Abba explaining why I did it was compelling enough, though.

There is one thing I have found, however. There are times when the darkness and pain can become so severe that all of those reasons start to become meaningless. No matter how strong they are in normal life, when the darkness gets that strong, they fade into the background. Holding onto life becomes a challenge. Even now, I have my days when I want to go Home. I don’t act on it, but I can sure want it.

As far back as High School I would pray for G-d to take me Home as I slept. I don’t remember if I prayed that in Junior High. Junior High is when my childhood memories start to come into focus…although I am missing things from that, too. My mother told me about a major change during that time that I still only have a single incident flashback about. So I know I am still missing stuff.

Anyway, this is what I have been thinking on for the last few days. To all my friends (and anyone else out there) who are struggling with this issue…please, hold on. I do understand. Feel free to share with me how you feel. I know that can help. Either email me or find someone to talk to. Please know that someone cares. I know…when the darkness is that deep it may not really matter. But I feel a need to write it anyway.

Edit in on 1/17: When I wrote this the other day, there was something I wanted to include, but forgot. There is another reason I hesitated to do anything…I was terrified of surviving. There are a lot of aspects of surviving that I dreaded…such as shame, facing the anger and hurt of others and having others not trust me because they were always worried that I might try it again.

The biggest fear, though, was the possibility of surviving in a body that was broken beyond repair. I was terrified that I could end up paralyzed or with some kind of irreparable brain damage that would leave me dependent upon others (and, in my mind, a burden to them) for the rest of my life. I would feel like a double failure…unable to take my life and now a mess for others to deal with. That was my reality. That was my thinking in those times.

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Update…of Sorts…Rambling Thoughts

April 18, 2010

So here I am…sitting here with many thoughts going through my head. I think I will share some here…in no specific order.

It is amazing how my heavenly Abba works things out. I recently reconnected by email with an online friend. Then I went to a webinar. During that webinar (which was excellent, by the way), we had the opportunity to respond to what the presenter was sharing about building healthy relationships with others.

Well, in the process, someone else there really related to what I was sharing. So, I gave out one of my emails…not the one I typically use with the aforementioned friend. The woman I met on the phone at the webinar wrote to me and I recognized her email addy. It was my friend! We actually got to “meet” on the phone and did not even know it because we were using screen names that were different from when we had met before. The funny thing, too, is that we knew each other by at least two other screen names each. Know we have a third! We were both excited to reconnect in two ways!

I am thinking about the webinar I am planning on doing. What artwork will I use? How will I get decent photos of the pieces? What will I share? I am looking forward to writing something up and picking out the pieces. I am excited about doing the webinar and hope I can be ready by August…given the unknown of my living situation between now and then.

I am thinking of mother’s day…of father’s day…of my parents. My “relationship”, which is pretty much non-existent, was part of what I shared about in the webinar. The ball is in their court and I am waiting…patiently…for his eventual response. Truth be told, most of the time I don’t even think about it.

However, Kitty (the presenter) shared something called DARVO. Boy, did that describe my family. D is for Deny, which is the first thing the abuser does when confronted. Then…they Attack…which is A. RVO is for Reverse Victim and Offender. By attacking me, when I confronted my parents, I became the “offender” and they the “victims”. I was “hurting them” with what I was saying. I also related to the fact that Kitty, when talking about denial, used the phrase “I don’t remember”. That is EXACTLY what my father said…”I don’t remember doing those things.” Boy, did I relate.

I am thinking of my my marriages…and the vast difference between the two…and the similarities, too. After all, I was in both of them and I have issues. How my husbands responded to my issues is different. And yet…there are times when my current husband can set me off.

I am thinking about sexuality…but that is a whole other post.

I am thinking about my sister, my birthday and her death. She died on my birthday…while I was regaining cult memories. Her death was odd…the manner, the timing. Everything about it and about what happened afterward was just plain wierd…and had the earmarks of cult.  Why was I stronger? Why did I get out? Why am I free? Is she even really dead? Or do they have her somewhere. So many questions…ones that I doubt I will get answers for before I stand before my Creator at the end of time.

I think about my sister…how young she was…how she was living on extended time as a hard core alcoholic and bulimic. I think about the cult family she was living with and how they treated her. I think about her boyfriend who never married her…which was good in the end. I might never have even known she was dead if his parents could have been able to claim her body. I think of their attempts to manipulate me…and of my parents’ attempts.

And I wonder if my parents think of her…and what they think of her. I wonder if they really even think of me…or is it still all just about my son?

I think about the art I want to do…and have no place or privacy to do. I long to do my art…to get back to processing things…whether by art or by writing…by poetry, journaling or blogging.

It has been difficult to find uninterrupted time in my busy days to write here. I feel as if there is so much inside to write about…and yet it is difficult to actually write. I feel as if I am just rambling in my thoughts…rambling in my brain and rambling on “paper”.

Ah, well. Sometimes it is good to just get the rambling out. Maybe it will only make sense to me. That is OK. I know my online friends won’t mind. They are very forgiving. Perhaps more thoughts of substance will come another time. For now…I will live in today…one day at a time. And I will love the people in my life today…each and every day. They are gifts for a time and I cherish them.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring…what joys or what sorrows…what new memories will be made or what old ones I will be reminded of. I do know Who holds me together and Who will always be with me…no matter what…my heavenly Abba, my Creator. I choose to walk. I choose to trust. Whatever comes with each new day…I will be given whatever I need to handle it.

I hope this post makes sense to others and that it helps someone else. I know it helps me to get things out. I wish I could write more…but I am keeping someone else awake. This is my best uninterrupted time…but it is also not my free time.  There is a weight hanging over me. *sigh* Maybe I can write more tomorrow. We will see.

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How Do I Feel, a Webinar and Random Thoughts

April 13, 2010

That is the question that has haunted me most of my life. How do I feel? Most of the time I was clueless as to how I really felt. Taught all of my life to deny my feelings, I had no idea how to even really identify them…unless, of course, they were felt intensely. Anything that was not felt intensely, forget it. I had no idea what I was feeling. And intense feelings were verboten. Stuff. Hide. Deny. But do NOT feel…and, if you do…NEVER show it!

It took me a long time to get to the point of beginning to recognize feelings. One thing that helped me was locating lists of feeling words on the internet. As I looked over the lists, I found that I started to relate to them. Little by little, I started to connect what I was “feeling” to the words. I have used those word lists to do art projects to help get my feelings out of the deep well inside and up to my conscious mind.

I need to locate those lists on the internet again for a webinar I will be doing in August. As a non-artist, I will be showing how I used art in my healing and word lists are a part of that. I want to give the people who come to the webinar all the resources I can to help them.

So…how do I feel…right now? I am not sure. Ha! How is that for a typical answer? At the moment, I think I have reached a place of basic contentment. I am OK with my world. How long that will last…who knows? I am ready for my class today, so I guess that qualifies as “confident”? “Prepared”? Is “prepared” a feeling? I think maybe it is. I feel “ready”!

I am getting my hair cut today, so I feel “anticipation”. And, maybe, a bit “nervous”. I don’t have much hair and it is difficult to do much of anything with it. I am trying something a little bit different.

How have I been feeling lately? Well…I have been busy…trying to get some things done.  And that has left me feeling a bit “frustrated” at times. My CPU is not fast enough (big enough?) for the programs I need to run. Having to run only one or two programs at a time for this multi-tasking woman is frustrating. However, I am grateful to have my laptop and to be able to run them at all!

My living situation causes me to be frustrated at times…well…sometimes it is frustration, but mostly I think it is more like “resignation”. I have to remember (and accept) that there are things I simply cannot do in this environment. Looking ahead, hopefully our situation will change over the summer. That will be great…if it happens.

If it happens, it will make it easier for me to get photos of the artwork I will need to share in the webinar. If it does not, I may be scrambling to do it elsewhere. Timing can be everything. I hope we are not moving during webinar time. Yikes! So, I stay in today. While the future is floating around in my mind somewhere, I do not focus on it. I pay it just enough attention so that I will be prepared and ready when the times comes to do the webinar, but not enough attention that I begin to fret over things that are beyond my control. And, if I need to, I can put the webinar off.

I am actually doing pretty well for this time of year. As my birthday approaches, I am sure it will start to hit more. My birthday is the anniversary of my sister’s death…a death that may have been a warning to me. And, sometimes, I wonder if she is even really dead. It did not look like her and my father would not allow me to be alone with her. I know they can stage those things. Did they? Do they have her hidden somewhere? I hate to even think of it. So, I pray for her…just in case.

Anyway, these are random thoughts, some attempted expressions of feelings, a bit of an update. What I feel can change on a moment’s notice. So, I am going to post this before what I feel changes…again.

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My Sister

February 16, 2010

My sister had a brave heart. She was beautiful and childlike. She was a fighter who would not give up. She was trapped…caught in an unseen web that was too sticky for her to break free from. They had her where they wanted her.

My sister ran away from one cult family right into the arms of another…but she didn’t know. Neither of us did. At that time, we were both amnesic to our true history.

I wonder…did she ever figure it out before she died? Did she finally remember her childhood abuse…the younger years? Did she remember “everything”…or just the minor “stuff” she used as an excuse to run away?

My sister kept trying…in recovery and out of it. I remember her telling me how she had to fight with the recovery people to get her a counselor. She kept saying she needed one, but they did not want to give it to her…not even in those fancy, high class, expensive recovery places.

Was it because it was being paid for by his parents? After all…counseling might mean that she would remember something…something important…something damning…about them. Maybe she would finally wake up to the truth about her boyfriend and his parents…the family she lived with. Or…maybe she wanted a counselor because she already had an inkling of the truth? I will never know in this life.

This is the time of year that I especially think of my sister…as her birthday approaches in a couple of days. And I wonder about her death…and sometimes, I wonder if she even really died…or if they have her holed up somewhere. It didn’t look like her. And my father would not leave me alone with her. If he had…what would I have done? I don’t know. We weren’t supposed to touch the body…but I think I would have. It did NOT look like her. I had seen her within the last year.

My father said it did, but he had not seen her in years…so far as I know. But then…it is not exactly like I came from a truthful family. Ha! “Family”. What is THAT supposed to be? Not the caricature I grew up with.

It’s funny how everything seemed to be so good…on the outside looking in. All the memories I concocted about growing up seemed so OK…yet I was so not OK.  Stories my mother told me were woven through my mind with photos from the family albums. Childhood. Sure…that was my childhood…only…it wasn’t.

I remember the day I suddenly realized that it was all a lie…a fantasy. It has been so long now that I cannot remember if it was before or after I realized that I could not remember growing up with my sister. It is as if she did not exist…yet I know for fact she was there…in the same house with me.

So many things are buried in the mists of amnesia with a tiny flash of a snippet here and there that blazes through so fast that I can barely figure out what just went by. Yet…those flashes ARE there. And I do have the photographs. My sister was there. Some of the photos I took…yet, I can barely see anything beyond the photos themselves. Whatever I see is more like a surreal picture in my mind.

She died on my birthday. At least…I am told she died. I saw what was supposed to be her body…but it sometimes haunts me to this day. I know she was becoming “inconvenient”. I would not put it past them to agree behind closed doors while pretending to hate each other to me. Two families…warring for her body. It was sick. It was insane. It was my sister.

I will never get the chance to get to know her. Her living…except for the few times in the later years when I finally did meet up with her…is buried deep within. What I do remember makes me wonder if I really want to remember the rest. I don’t know. Maybe I should just create a life with her just like I created a life of my own? No…I want to honor her by remembering the truth…if I can.

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Bittersweet Memories

December 11, 2009

This is a time of year when I tend to think more about my family of origin…or foo…as some refer to theirs. Thinking about foo always brings mixed feelings.

I can remember “good” times…like when we waited with great anticipation to see if it would snow by Christmas. I recall the wonderful feelings I had looking out at the falling flakes…all fluffy and white. Or the excitement of looking out the window in the morning and seeing the ground all covered with a thick layer of white.

And then, if I am not careful, the intense emotion starts to hit. For some reason…even remembering good things tends to lead to emotional overload. I don’t know why. Even the best of memories can start me on that roller coaster ride of emotions. Why?

Perhaps it is because my memories seem to be so few…so scattered. Could it be that all the good that is buried comes to the surface in those few glimpses of the past? Or could it be that painful memories are masked by that intense “good” feeling…that “good” memory. Could it be that the intensity of good emotions…an intensity so strong as to be “painful”…is just a coverup for the very real pain lying underneath? Could the intensity be a way of my system telling me not to trust that the good feelings were all there was? A way of telling me that I need to keep looking…that there are hidden painful things I need to be open to seeing? I don’t know.

I think of Christmas and the wonder of it all. There is always one particular Christmas that comes to mind. I remember the house. I remember the location…even the address. I remember looking for the snow. I remember my sister and I getting matching pj’s for Christmas. I remember getting a Mary Poppins book. I can almost smell the tree. I get an emotional “feeling” or sensation that I was feeling then. I can see the lights on the tree in the darkened room. What I cannot see…is my sister.

I know she is there, but like so much of her life…I cannot see her. I cannot remember her. We lived in the same house for 10 years and I can barely remember her a handful of times during our growing up years…at the most. I am thankful to have been able to connect with her at least a little before she died.

I cannot remember my parents on that Christmas, either; but I know/sense they are there…lurking somewhere on the edge of my “vision”…with my sister. I do remember more of my parents than I do of my sister. Then again…I guess that is not saying much, is it?

Memories are funny. You cannot select only the bad ones to “forget” or to bury. The good ones go, too.

I am starting to feel older. I know my parents are very elderly by now. Although there has been some email contact…it has not really gone anywhere. And that, too, is bittersweet. Well…maybe just bitter. There isn’t really any sweetness about it. I have done what I could. I have opened the door and allowed them to see that they can still get hold of me (should they ever decide to confess, etc. ) There are things I wish we could talk about…things I wish I could ask…but I know they are not in that place…at least not yet.

This year, I am thinking of Hanukkah more than I am of Christmas. After all, we know Yeshua was not born even in this time of year, let alone on the 25th. So, for me, it is almost a cultural/social holiday…even though I think a lot of Yeshua’s coming…then and in the future. But this is the first year that I am thinking more of Hanukkah.

My foo never celebrated Hanukkah. In fact, I have a feeling that my father would probably be very disapproving. Oh, well. There was a miracle of lights…so legend has it. I think of how the Light of the World came to dwell amongst us. I think of the miracle of the lights represented by Hanukkah. It is not hard to link them together.

I also think of how light has come to me in my healing walk. So much darkness in my past…darkness that has…over time…been slowly replaced with light. I don’t doubt that there is more darkness in there to be revealed…I am OK with that. I know that the Lord of light…the very Light of the World…is here with me to walk me through whatever more is there to be revealed. I know I can count on Him to never leave me or forsake me…to never abandon me.

Do my parents think of me during this time? Do they even care? Does it even matter? They cannot change my healing. I cannot change them. Yet…I hope that during this Hanukkah time…they will allow the only One who can bring true deep and lasting healing to truly be a part of their lives. I hope they accept His love for them and that they, too, will be healed.

People are not born abusers. They are born with a propensity to selfishness, yes. They are born fallen creatures in a fallen world wanting their own way. But cruel abusers? No…they are made into that…not born that. Whatever my parents (and other abusers) went through…I hope they find healing. I hope they can bring all that darkness inside to the true Light of the world…Yeshua. I hope that they, too, can find healing Shalom…real peace…even in the midst of their pain.

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Tough Time of Year and Survivor Guilt

October 14, 2009

This is always a tough time of year. Knowing what I do about what goes on around this time of year…well, it is really hard to just skate through it. In some ways, I am effected less. In other ways, more.

I was doing pretty well…or so I thought. I don’t know if it just crept up on me…or if the rest of life just combined with it to kind of push me over the edge a bit. I find that I have been battling some depression lately…and I am teary. There are things in my life that could certainly cause that…aside from being a ritual abuse survivor. However, I really cannot assume that the RA stuff does not also impact me.

I find it interesting that I feel almost guilty when I feel OK during this time of year…when I am able to push aside my survivor issues and just enjoy life. It almost feels as if I am betraying the ones who will die this year…the ones who will be abused and tortured…the ones who will be filmed and sold. They deserve to be remembered…to be prayed for. So…when I feel better…I almost feel as if that is a betrayal of them.

Yet…could it not actually be an honoring of them…in the sense that at least one of us got out and conquered. Well, not conquered exactly…but was able to find joy and at least be able to somewhat function? I don’t know. These are just the things I am thinking of…the things I am feeling.

I love this season…but hate this time of year. I love the colors and smells, but hate what is going on in hidden places where people do not want to see.

Survivor guilt. Why should I make it out? Why should I be able to enjoy life? Yet…it is in the enjoyment of life…in spite of my history…that, perhaps, my truest victory lies. I win when I can enjoy any aspect of life…any at all. I win when I can enjoy my freedom…instead of being bound to them…instead of being their slave. I win! So, why can’t I just enjoy the winning? Because I know others are still suffering.

Many who have broken free from the cult groups still suffer in body and soul. Many have not broken free and they definitely still suffer. My own sister never really made it out. Do I celebrate life in her honor? Yes. Still…I cannot help but feel some guilt. At least…I think it is called guilt. I just know I struggle with having too much knowledge. Ignorance, though, is not safe. *sigh*

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Feeling Blue

July 25, 2009

I am feeling a bit blue today. There are a number of things I could probably point to…but the overriding one…I think…is that I found out today that someone I loved and cared about very much died back in February. No…he wasn’t a cult survivor and his death was not cult related. He had leukemia with other complications. I knew it was coming. In fact, I figured that it had probably already happened…given how long it had been since I had talked with him.

So, I am feeling blue. This man was really supportive of me…of everyone he met really. I believe I have closure…so that is not an issue. I’m just sad…and grateful that I will see him again. It is difficult not being able to keep up with people…but there is only so much one can do in this life without getting bogged down. I feel comfort knowing where he is…and that I will someday join him. That will have to do right now.

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Dear Sis – 2

February 18, 2009

Hi, Sis, I’m back again. Just can’t get you off of my mind for very long. You know, it makes me angry to think of how they robbed us of so much. I did try after I moved out. I know you know that. But mom wouldn’t hear of it. She just had to interfere in her sneaky, manipulating way. Grrrrr!!!! I HATE that she did that. But then…maybe, at that time, I was not any safer for you than she was. I truly don’t know…but it is very much what I suspect the truth is.

But we did connect some later on…toward the last few years. We couldn’t do much…but we did find ways to beat them…didn’t we? They didn’t really win…did they? Didn’t we beat them at their game…at least a little bit?

love you, tweetie. I’ll never forget you.

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Dear Sis

February 18, 2009

I think you would like it here. I know the ocean is your favorite place, but still, I think you would enjoy the trees and the creek. I think you would enjoy the wind as it rushes through our little valley.  Actually, I don’t know if it is really big enough to call a “valley”, but I like to think of it as such.

I just lit a candle for you, hon. I know that you can’t see it…but, if you are out there and trying to find a safe place to land…the candle is there for you to show the way. I will keep it lit today…until I have to pull the curtains. Keep walking, sis…or keep resting…whichever fits. I know that I will see you again…some day.

love from me,

your big sis

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Happy Birthday, Sis

February 18, 2009

I don’t know, sis, who is celebrating your birth…or your life. Maybe I am the only one on this planet…besides the One who so lovingly created you with His own hands.

Oh, dear heart, I want you to know that you are loved…so very loved. I miss you. I wish we could have gotten to know one another better…in more positive ways…outside of the sucky family dynamic that we both had to live with.

I sit here today and think about you. I think of how hard you fought…how hard you tried to win. I guess some might say that you never did win…that you lost. But you know what? I don’t think of you that way. I like to think of you as being in our heavenly Abba’s arms and away from all the horrors you knew in this life…of winning.

In some ways, I envy you. You are where I long to be…but it is not my time yet. You are beyond the pain of this life. I have to believe that. I have to see you in the loving arms of our Abba, protected forever and being loved as you have always deserved to be loved in this life.

I hope you know now just how much I really loved you…and I still do. I wish I could have shown it better in your life, but I know that you now understand why I could not. Our parents. Toward the end, they were living with me and I found myself fighting for my own life. Maybe the plan was to take us both out…I don’t know. I just know that I love you and I am so sorry for all the ways that I was not able to be there for you as I should have been and for all the ways I inflicted pain into your life. I am sorry that I could not rise above the family dynamic for you…or even for myself. Maybe that inability helped us to keep us alive. I don’t know. You don’t have to think about it now. You are beyond that.

Gosh, I wish I could see you…talk to you. Ask you what you remember. Were you as amnesic in your memories of me as I am to you??? I want to remember more of our life together…yet, perhaps it is a blessing that I don’t…given what I DO remember. I don’t know.

I just know that I sit here crying…thinking of you…wondering about you…praying that you truly are OK. I hope they have not just faked it all and hidden you away from me…out of fear that we might, together, reach the truth and gain freedom from them. I pray for you, in case you are still here, sis. If you are here, keep fighting, wherever you are. Keep fighting, sis and never give up!

But I hope that you are resting…in His Shalom/peace…in His arms.

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What Is Really Important?

February 14, 2009

There are times when I feel overwhelmed and I just don’t know how I am going to do this life. That is when I most need to remember that Yahweh has promised that I already have everything I need for this life…and for godliness. So, it becomes my prayer for the Holy Spirit…the Ruach HaKodesh…to give me wisdom…to show me how to do what it is I need to do…and how to do it.

I also need Him to show me what is really mine to do and what is not. I believe that I sometimes take on what other people think I should be able to do…or that I have erroneous ideas of what I should do. I do not need to be adding…or allowing others to add…to what Yahweh expects of me.

My relationship with my Creator is the absolutely most important thing in my life. It is more important than any earthly relationship I have, although all of my earthly relationships are effected by it. Yet…I find it so easy to neglect this most important aspect of my life. Why?

I suspect that it has something to do with the fact that the spiritual realm is so “hidden” from our earthly eyes. We tend to focus on what we can see, touch, taste, feel. We think this physical realm is the “real” thing, while the spiritual is something less real…like a shadow. The truth is…the spiritual is the most real… and the physical is the  shadow.

There is a battle raging in unseen realms that we just go on living life in ignorance of. After all, if we can’t see it, it can’t be real, right? Yet, no one questions the reality of love…which you cannot see. Or air…which you also cannot see. The spiritual realm does touch our physical world. There are angels and demons all around us. There is a Creator who is Spirit…who is everywhere at once and not limited by time or space.

We have the possibility of living with Him, surrounded by and filled with His incredible love for eternity. We have the possibility. Not all will make it. Some will spend eternity separated from the only source of true and real love…forever. That saddens me. I know that He has written His law upon the hearts of His people. He has given evidence of His existence throughout all of nature. He longs for us to seek Him and to accept Him and His Son Yeshua. But many won’t, which is very sad. They will chose to reject Him.

Or worse, they will think they are OK with Him but they are living their lives their own way instead of His ways. They are seeking to do things…not to be His sons and daughters. They are seeking themselves and will tell YeshuaJesus in the end that they did all kinds of things in His name…seemingly good things like healing the sick. What will His response be? “I never knew you.”

We cannot make up our own spirituality…or our own religion…depending on which slant you take. Truth is truth. It is not relative…it is solid. We cannot just go through life picking and choosing what we will believe and then expect Him to just accept us in the end. It doen’t work like that. We need to seek Him out…diligently. We need to read and study His written word…the bible. We need to walk and live in His living Word…Yeshua/Jesus. If we do not…we are risking the most important thing we can have…an eternity with our Creator.

I challenge anyone reading this to seek Him out. Ask Him to show Himself to you as being real…and then sit back with open eyes and heart. He will show Himself to you…if you are seriously asking Him. I don’t mean some half cocked, half serious request on your part. I mean to get real! It is worth it. After all, where you spend eternity is at stake. Eternity without Him is your choice…as is eternity with Him. One is just plain awful…the other is incredibly wonderful beyond anything we can imagine.

So, what will you choose? Will you gamble with your soul on your “beliefs”…or will you seek to know the absolute truth…truth you can count on? I know my choice. As for me, I will serve Yahweh, the living God…and Him alone…Abba/Father…Yeshua/Jesus/Son…Ruach HaKodesh/Holy Spirit.

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