Facing Life…

Even though we are facing some tough things as a family…life is good. The Creator of the universe continues to provide for us and to show Himself to us in amazing ways. The clutter in our home makes it difficult to concentrate…yet I am learning to just adjust to what I can and cannot do. I am actually doing well in all of this.

The potential separation we are facing as a family is very hard to look at. Oftentimes, when I think of it…I cry. Then I put on my brave face…determined to face the world standing tall. I have been through SO much in my life…what is this? It is just a temporary thing that will actually give me more time to write! (I am really working hard on looking at the UP side of this.)

The reality is that…if this goes through…we will miss one another immensely. It will be very hard. However, I am determined to make the most of it…both in my writing and in my healing. I hope to accomplish a lot and so does he.

It is after midnight, but I just wanted to pop in and put some kind of update here. Between baking and spending time with my love I am not on FB much nor am I here. But that is OK. I am spending time with my Creator and with my family. All things come in seasons and this is my season right now.

I hope you are all doing well. I pray that my heavenly Abba/Father/Dad will touch you in ever way in which you need to be touched. Be back soon!

Regarding My Mother…

My sister is dead. My mother is going to die. So is my father. Those are important things for me to keep in mind. I liken my relationship (or lack thereof) with them to my relationship with my ex. So first, I want to talk a little bit about my divorce.

When I came into my first marriage, both of us were very broken…although I do not believe either of us had any idea really just how broken we were. I know I sure did not. I still did not have any clear memories of sexual abuse or ritual abuse, although I did “know” that something was wrong. I I always “felt” that I was somehow different from other folks…I just did not understand it all.

Two very broken people tried to make a marriage. It didn’t work very well. Over the years, we both suffered. We both did things that were unhealthy. I had to learn to make healthy boundaries. It took me a LONG time, but I did finally start making them right about the time my second child was a toddler.

I did it in baby steps so that it would not be noticed for the real boundary drawing had to begin in my heart. It had to begin inside before it could be expressed outwardly. So, I started to say “no” inside and then used little things to move it to the outside…little unnoticed things that slowly built up and gave me strength.

Several years later (about 9), it culminated in my outwardly saying “no” and drawing the biggest boundary I think I had ever set up to that point. I knew there could be some very serious ramifications, but I was “prepared”. Meaning that I was ready to take whatever came…no matter how ugly or painful. I said “no” and it got hairy, resulting in a final separation within the week and, ultimately, in a divorce.

There are three key things here.  One…I did everything I knew to do to make my marriage work. Two…when it all came down, I drew firm boundaries and stuck to them. I stood my ground. Third…my family is generational cult.

I have a lot of reasons to believe that my marriage was cult arranged. That kind of colors everything that happened. I was still “tied” to my parents, but I did not understand it. When we separated, they moved in. Very handy. Thankfully, my parents did not live with me for very long. They moved out of the area about an hour and a half away which gave me a good reason not to see them very often. Several months later, I and boys moved in with some other people and lived with three different families before getting into our own home.

When I separated…which was one of many miracles in my life…I had tried everything I knew to make the marriage work. However, while I drew closer and closer to G-d, he drew further and further from Him. We were going in opposite directions. I was working on my issues. He was…well…let’s just say he was definitely NOT working on his issues and leave it at that. Things were getting worse and worse as I got stronger and stronger until it finally came to a head and G-d told me to set that final boundary.

After we separated, I gave him every opportunity. I was willing to go to counseling. I was willing to wait a year while he dealt with his drug and alcohol issues. At the same time, I would not let him back into the house (not even in a separate bedroom) for that year. I withstood his attempts to “blackmail” me over the support he was voluntarily giving me and exposed his tactic to the courts. Every move he made, I countered. I stood my ground. Anything I gave to him I did of my own choice, not because I felt I had to. I fought for the sake of my children, and I no longer sacrificed myself to him out of a mistaken idea that it would somehow benefit them.

When it was all said and done and the decree came, I stood tall knowing that I had truly done all I could to save that marriage. My conscience was clear. I walked in my integrity. Even though I filed for separation and then divorce, he was the one who chose to walk away by refusing to do anything to save the marriage. He refused counseling. He refused to deal with his multiple addictions. He tried every manipulation tactic in the book, but G-d had brought me to a place of being able to recognize what was happening and to withstand them all.

Now, with my parents, it is similar. When they die, I will know that I tried everything I could, while maintaining healthy boundaries, to give them an opportunity to have some kind of relationship. I don’t need one with them although it would be nice. In fact, I really doubt that anything beyond the surface is even possible short of a HUGE miracle because my father still wants to control me, but he cannot.

I broke free of them about 9 years ago. It was a difficult journey, but just like in my marriage, G-d prepared me. He took me step by step by step, helping me to see the truth and to respond to that truth with boundary drawing. He also blessed me with a good non-cult husband (another miracle) who helped me. I cannot imagine trying to do it without him.

So, yes, I still contact my folks from time to time. I offer them an opportunity to get real on some level…or to at least talk about life in general. Yes, my father sends me BS and tries to give me grief and my mother ignores me after telling me that she really wants to talk to me. That is OK. I know not to take it personally. I am offering them a gift. If they refuse to take it, I will walk tall in my integrity. I will mourn for what could have been, but I will know I did my best and my conscience will remain clear.

I really think the biggest key is motivation. My motivation is one of love for them…in spite of them. It is a love I can only have because Yeshua enables me to have it. I have been forgiven for SO much. I know the darkness of my own heart (and I am sure it is even darker that I can see). How can I not forgive them and love them? They, too, are survivors. All of us are, in one way or another. Some are just more so than others.

Forgiveness and love do NOT mean letting them be ugly with me. It means standing in front of them and responding rather than reacting. I can do that now. I could not do that before. The programming is broken. The chains are gone. I have been set free.

Emailed Mother…

Why? Good question. Perhaps I am simply a permanent optimist? Perhaps I am just always hopeful that something might have changed? Perhaps I am just plain nuts? Or even stupid?

I am not really expecting anything different this time. I am just making sure I am doing what I can do.

I am tired. The email from my father that was not supposed to get to me…the one that was supposed to be blocked…told me the criteria for us having a relationship. They call the shots…not me. Plus…we let them talk without interference with our youngest son and without us listening in. Hubby and I won’t do that. We just can’t.

I would actually be willing to let them talk to him…but only if we listen in. I am not telling them that, of course. I am not that stupid. I know it is all about him and them and not about me. I don’t count. I am unimportant…period. Such is my life. I am deemed worthy by others, but not by them.

Their loss.

More on the Parents…

So…what person blocked two email addresses for her father and then forgot to hit “save”? Duh! Me, of course!

In my previous post, I share how I had written my father giving him four things he can do to prove to me that I should believe what he writes. I also informed him that I was blocking his email addresses and would consider unblocking them IF he did those four things. I informed him that he would have to write to my hubby, if he was going to write.

I was shocked when I got a response within a day! That is a fast response from a man who usually takes so long to respond to anything that I figure he is ignoring me. I was also shocked that it came to ME. That is who I discovered that I did not save my email blocking. I did immediately block them again and made sure that I saved it this time. However, I was left with the quandary of what to do with it.

It was NOT written to my hubby’s email, which tells me that he must think I do not have the guts to block him. Maybe that is why he responded so fast? Perhaps, he wanted me to read it before I blocked him. Oh, well…tough cookies, mister!

I did not read it because I should have never even received it. Instead, I had hubby read it…just so we could see how he responded. It was the same old stuff. I wanted to reconnect, but it was going to have to be in HIS terms…period. Oh, well. His loss. I had hubby forward it to himself and delete from my email. There was no way I wanted it sitting in my account tempting me to read it…and possibly get hooked into responding. Besides, I meant it when I wrote that I would be blocking him.

There is more. I emailed him on the 19th. I talked to my mother-in-law on Christmas. She told me there are letters addressed to my son from my father. I told her to mail them to me. It is possible that my father is meeting one, or even two, of the four criteria, but it is ALL four or no go. The third one deals with my sister. The fourth one deals with me, but I actually kind of gave him an out I wish now I had not given him. We will see what happens.

 

More Art Up and Moving Soon?

Well…I got a few more pieces up on the art blog. At some point, I will probably go back and add more commentary to some of the pieces. For now…I am just pleased that I actually got more pieces up. There are many more to go.

A place to live is slowly coming together for us. It does give me hope that we will be out of this tiny space in time for this winter. There is still SO much to get done. I am so hoping for it. I know that the one who is in charge is really pushing hard to help us out.

I actually talked to my parents on the phone. THAT was an experience. I am still processing it. Phew! Father did not really say much. Mother and I mostly talked. I have NO idea where this will go, but so far…it is OK. I am proceeding cautiously and keeping my boundaries up. I won’t pretend, but I am willing to work around things as much as possible.

They do not know where we are and I feel NO obligation to tell them. In fact, it feels really good to not feel I MUST share anything with them. It used to be that my programming would kick in and I would feel as if I HAD to share whatever it was I was being asked about. I was an information machine. Not any more. My mother asked me about my location and I was silent. I moved on to a different subject.

She brought it up again later and, at the same time, said she would not ask again. She said that, since I had not answered the first time, that she would not bring it up again if I did not answer the second time…that it was obvious I did not want her to know. She went on to say something about how she was not going to come to my place or anything…not that she even could. I just did not bite. It was really cool because it HAD NO EFFECT! I was not triggered! I did not feel manipulated. I pretty much just responded to her and shared cautiously.

It did take me a while after the phone call to process things…but that is OK. Although I do not know what is coming, I feel pretty good about where I am now…about how strong I am. Woohoo!

I am finishing up this post by sharing that I can see two beautiful deer out my window. I love it! I have also seen some chipmunks lately.

Until next time…I hope you are all doing well!

Expressive Arts Carnival No. 2

I just had to pop in and share the Expressive Arts Carnival No. 2 that Paul is hosting on his blog. There are some amazing pieces of art there. I highly recommend following the link and checking it out!

Letter to My Parents

Back in July of 2008, I sent my parents an email after my mother left a message on my in-law’s answering machine with a new phone number. I got a one word answer. Thus started some VERY sporadic, mostly terse, email communication with them. I was not really expecting anything…just testing the waters.

Well…here it is almost two years later. I felt it was time to write a summarizing email. I really hate loose ends…so I am tying a knot in one right now.

Here it is:

I really thought a lot about whether or not to write this. It almost ended up being a coin toss…seeing as how that is about how much I believe I mean to either of you.

Oh, I know…I can hear it now…how I am the “big bad daughter” who “used and abused you all those years” and who “lied to you” and who “hurt you deeply”, yada…yada…yada.

Well…I didn’t do all those things and I don’t really buy the whole thing about how “terribly hurt” you. You see…you don’t really behave as if terribly hurt. What you behave like to me is more like you are angry because your covers were pulled and your plan did not work. You did not get what you wanted…and you still aren’t.

You, mom, wrote some real heart things. That actually gave me hope (silly me) that you actually wanted to communicate…for real. Yet, when I answered you…you did not respond. Oh, OK…I get it. You can be “real” and express your “truth” and your “hurt”…but when I do likewise…forget about it.

As for you, dad…all you seem to be interested in is what I remember. The feeling I get is that you just want to debate the validity of my memories. Well…I am not going to share with you…for reasons already previously stated. And even if I were to share with you…I will not debate anything. I know what is true.

Well…if that is all you really you want…that’s OK. The few communications we have had in the last year or so have basically confirmed to me what I had already suspected was most likely the case…that nothing has really changed. Well…that is not entirely true…I have changed. I am no longer the weak woman/child responding to your manipulation cues.

I also know it is not really about me. It is about my son. He is the only one you are really interested in. You don’t want a relationship with me…only him. That is all it has really been about since the beginning.

I know about your plan to move in and gain total access to him while manipulating me and attempting to push me over the edge. Thing is…it didn’t work. I have to admit…you did come close. But you didn’t allow for the Holy Spirit knowing what your plan was and revealing it to me. He is bigger than anything you can come up with. He is the One who thwarted your plan…not me. He is the One who led me to the truth…and to real help.

I can’t vouch for your relationship with our Creator…but mine is real…very real. I have actually seen Him protect me. And others…who knew nothing of the situations I was in…actually saw angels protecting me.

Now…I want you to understand something. I am not angry…although my email may sound like I am. No…it is with something more like resignation and sadness that I write. Sometimes…that is just the way life is.

I pray for you. I hope that you will find real peace and healing as I have. Have I totally arrived yet? Of course not…not until Yeshua/Jesus comes back. But I have come a long way…and I pray for you, too, to find that before you die.

In a way…this email is really about saying “goodbye”…at least for now. I am not really locking the door shut. I am too persistent of a dreamer to do that…in addition to the fact that I believe in honoring you both. I know…you are probably rolling your eyes and choking at that one. It doesn’t matter. The truth is the truth whether you choose to accept it or not.

Anyway…here’s the deal. I will respond to whatever you write…IF…you show me that you really want to communicate and work through some things as a family…and IF…you don’t attack me. I will NOT stand for being attacked. The truth can be spoken in love.

If you don’t want to…I am OK with that…sad…but OK. If you don’t…you are welcome to write me and tell me so…or not. If I don’t hear from you I will simply take it that you are not ready to do that. Perhaps…in the future…you will be. Just remember…none of us knows just how much “future” we really have. Any one of us could go on any day…and with your ages…that is even more likely with you two.

So…yes…this is a sort of “goodbye”…or perhaps more accurately…an “until later”. Ever the optimist…I will keep hoping. As for being a realist…well…I will let my heavenly Abba take care of that.

Go with G-d…the L-rd and Creator of the Universe…YHWH…Abba, Yeshua/Jesus and Holy Spirit.

love,

(first name)

Questions and a Log House

I am going away tomorrow. I am getting nervous. I will be alone…in a rural area. Granted…just down the drive…right before the street…is a family I know. (The two properties are connected in more ways than one.) And the woman who lives with her family in that house knows I am a survivor…but she doesn’t understand what all that means.

I am nervous. I will be away from what is familiar in an unfamiliar place. Yes…I have been there before and have even helped in some of the finishing of the logs and such. BUT…it is not “home”. I am not that familiar. The root of familiar is the same as the root for family. We live with our families. We know our families. We live in our homes. We are familiar with our homes.

Even though I am not really “comfortable” in my little RV…I am comfortable. I know…that sounds contradictory…but familiarity is comforting. That is why children of alcoholics and dysfunctional parents oftentimes end up marrying spouse who are similar…even when they swear they won’t. Their spouses may manifest their dysfunction in some different way…but it is still there.

I am a cult survivor. Alone in a rural area has not exactly turned me on. Then again…sometimes I just have to adjust…and continue to trust the Creator. Yeshua has protected me in so many ways and my location is not a hindrance to Him one bit.

I have my list of things to make sure I bring. I hope I have not left anything off. The most important things, of course, are my laptop and my art pieces. That is why I am going there. But I know it won’t be the sum total of what I do there. I don’t want to be “busy”. I want to just “be”…to rest with no demands…no interruptions…whether that resting be reading, praying, napping, just sitting…whatever.

All alone in a log house…a large log house. Talk about ambiance. I should get some pictures of that, too.  I know they want some, but I am not sure what they want. I’ll try to remember to ask before they leave.

I will be bringing my comfort foods and the things I want to eat. I not only do not want to put them out for food (I am staying for free), but it is also nice to know what to expect. I don’t want to have to wonder where the boundaries are…so I am bringing my own. It is easier for me that way.

Earlier today…I started to sense hurt inside again. Could it be that my system is looking ahead to having the privacy to feel pain and express pain? No holds barred? It’s certainly possible.

I leave tomorrow evening. It is time to go to bed. I might get a little bit of reading time in. It depends on how long it takes hubby to get to bed.

Good night, everyone!

I hope I don’t forget anything.

Sometimes…

I love to take photos. I also love to add encouraging messages to them. Here is the latest one. I hope it blesses others. I am working on a way to make them into cards.

Poem and Filing a Complaint

I wrote this in November, 2009. At the time, I was seriously working on a complaint against KB…the unethical therapist I wrote about previously in my blog. I ended up putting the complaint aside…not because I did not think I could win. Actually, I probably could. I have the benefit that she was not actually my therapist…having had only one phone call with her. Most of my interaction was through her online forum with a few emails. She did things that are easier to prove than if I were actually a client.

No…I pulled back because I figured it was not worth it. At first, I drove myself because I knew others were filing against her. I felt that I had to do this to help keep her from hurting others. I was told that Ross, too, had filed against her on behalf of some of her former clients. Again…I pushed myself, figuring that I would add my voice…you know…weight in numbers.

Then I got to thinking about it. I was paying a price in trying to write it up. It had to be done carefully. I am a very busy person with enough of my own stuff on my plate. As survivors, we each have to learn to protect ourselves. I cannot be a protector for others. I can support them. I can point out what to watch for…which is why I wrote the article on internet safety for Many Voices. The longer version is on my blog starting here.

I want to help others find ways to stay safe…even from unscrupulous therapists…through my blog…through articles…through being here to answer questions. KB will answer to G-d someday for all she has done…just as I will for all I have done in my life. I pray that she gets it together and stops hurting people. I know who I am. I know the truth. So does she and so does G-d. For now…that is enough.

Anyway…part of what I was experiencing, too, was a taking back of who I am. This poem is part of that process.

Flower

I am Flower!

Standing tall.

Standing strong.

Bending in the wind,
but not breaking.

I am Flower.

Speaking truth.

Offering peace.

Sharing hope.

I am Flower.

The delicate scent of my joy
may be temporarily
misplaced by the storm,
but it always returns
to be wafted along
upon gentle breezes.

I am Flower!

Beautiful.

Delicate.

Enduring.

I am Flower.

Blooming.

Growing.

Healing.

I am Flower!

©2009

What to Do With Anger?

I am writing. I have a poem I have been working on that I hope to finish in the next day or two at most. Tomorrow I am busy, but on Wednesday at least, I hope to finish it and give it to the one I need to communicate with. I think a poem might help get the message across in a somewhat neutral way. I hope. It is a “group” effort and I will post it here on the blog when I am done.

For me, I try to use anger as a catalyst. I try to find creative ways to express it…even when I find myself limited by my situation. I can only go so long feeling as if I am trapped in someone else’s schedule…forced to live in an environment that is so not suited to what I have been created to need. It is only my Abba who sustains me/us.

I will keep on hoping for change…and for it to be fairly soon. Right now, there are no signs of anything happening and we have no control over it. We have to trust our heavenly Abba. I know that a few of you readers know who I really am and you can see from what I write in other places what is going on…or not going on as the case may be.

Trust…it is all about trust. A lot of that trust has to do with knowing that my Abba will bring me through this…all of me. I hope to write more tomorrow or Wednesday.

What Do You Do With Anger?

I feel like saying something. I feel like wagging a finger in someone’s face. I feel like getting a bit loud. I feel like yelling. I feel like…what??? I don’t know. I don’t do anger very well. I try to be very understanding, very forgiving. I try to let go of my wants for the sake of others. We give…for their sakes…but they don’t even have a clue how much we give. And for one of them…that is OK. But the other. I need some acknowledgment. When you work so hard to present as “normal”…whatever the heck that is…it is so easy for the other one to forget who you really are…what you really are…who ALL you really are. It has been building up for some time.

So…what, exactly, DO you do with anger? With frustration? With an inability to get to what you feel you need? An inability to do what you feel you need to do? To process all the stuff you have had to put on hold for the last few years. Talk about healing interrupted! I know it is not totally interrupted, but in so many ways it HAS been.

I have grown in the sense that I have actually been holding it together through all of this. Well…I believe it is my Abba who has really been holding me together. Many times I have reached the end of my proverbial rope and it is my Abba who has kept me going…who is holding me together.

I am human. I have feelings…sometimes very conflicting feelings…depending upon the who and the what. Again…something that tends to be forgotten by the very one I most need to remember that. I am OK…but that does not mean that I do not have those feelings to battle at times. He does, too, and even from some of the same things. We each have our stuff. And then…I have stuff for more than one.

I think it is time to remind someone. I am praying about the how and the when. Do I write it?  Do I speak it? And then there is who should write it or speak it? What “voice” do I use? What will be best heard? Best received? I am not talking about manipulation here…I am talking about practicality. Know your audience. Speak accordingly.

Is it hopeless? Sometimes it feels like it is. Some times…it feels as if things will never change.  It feels as if I will always have to hide a lot of myself. I have to accept that life might just be that way. Can I do that? Can I trust enough for that?

Our living situation is going to change…most likely during this summer/fall…maybe sooner. That will bring a lot of challenges of its own…while also opening up some things for me. How will I handle that? I don’t know yet. I am trying to get prepared for both change…and for no change. I really hope that I do not have to face no change.

My Place In This World & Coping with Social Situations!

I was reminded recently of a Michael W. Smith song called “My Place in This World”. That song has always touched my heart…for I have always struggled to feel as if I really fit in anywhere.

As a daughter of the Most High G-d, I am secure as to my place in my heavenly Abba/Father’s kingdom…of my place in the spiritual realm. Yet…even with that security, there are times when I feel so disconnected from everyone and everything that I even experience some doubts about that. Thankfully, I do regain my perspective and the doubts do pass.

When it comes to this world, though, to the people around me…I rarely feel as if I belong. I almost always feel out of place…as if I am on the outside looking in.

In The Cost of Reality, I share how I used to feel almost all the time. For a huge part of my life I rarely, ever felt comfortable or a real part of a group.  I hated going any place where there were a lot of people I did not know. I was almost panic-stricken the first day of school every year. I was that way with any new place or any new event.

Now I only feel the intensity of it if I get a particular program triggered. However, that does not mean that I feel comfortable around people and social events. I do…but I don’t. I have had to learn how to work my way around these kinds of things. Otherwise, I would be totally isolated.

One thing I do is try to get to events early. When I get there I try to connect with someone who is a part of the event and even offer to help in some way if I am up to it. If nothing else, I learn my way around and help to welcome others that come. By being one of the first ones there, I sort of make myself a part of what is going on. That does not solve it all, but it does make it a whole lot easier.

If I show up after a whole bunch of people are there…I feel lost. Unless I come with another person, or plan to meet another person there, I will typically feel very uncomfortable.  I will be uncertain where to sit…wondering if I am intruding upon some group of friends. I am very aware of cliques.  It seems like, in so many places, you have families and friends who have known one another for a long time. Where do I fit into that?

So…another thing I do is look for someone else who seems to be alone. The other person is usually grateful that I did and we end up having a rather enjoyable time together. I may never see that person again…but for those few hours we enjoyed one another’s company.  I have had many good laughs at tables where none of us women knew anyone else at the table.

I also try to smile a lot at people…just to see how they respond. They ones who light up at my smile, I keep an eye on. If it seems like they are open, I will walk up and talk to them…and find out if they are alone or not. That helps, too.

Sometimes, I just have to focus on what is going on and go through it. If programming is triggered, that is when it is the worst. I just have to accept that I am not in a frame of mind where I can truly trust anyone. I just need to smile, be pleasant and get through it.

Sometimes I experience an impending sense of doom that I cannot connect to any person or place or event. It is just a feeling I walk around with. That, too, makes it difficult in social situations. I keep wondering if I have somehow blown it…somehow said or done something wrong. I have learned that I just have to ride it out if I cannot find a legitimate reason for it.

So, I have all sorts of struggles with social settings…unless I am in the midst of giving it. Yet…I can speak and sing without too much difficulty. Or at least I once could. It has been a long time since I have done it. In fact, since I started realizing the truth about my history and my makeup I have not really pursued it. There is a difference between being up in front of a group and being down within the group. I had a therapist who was the same way. She could teach a class…no problem. But as a student…she was actually rather shy. It is a matter of being in my element.

What’s In a Song

This song really touches me deeply. It makes me want to cry. Although my life with my ex was not quite like that, there were times when I was afraid of him. But I don’t think that is quite what it is. I think it is the helplessness…the feeling of being trapped. I have felt that way almost all of my life.

Even as an adult, I felt trapped in my relationship with my parents. Moving out sort of helped…although I did end up back at home…where I felt even more trapped.

Getting married did not help, either…at least not the first time.  I was still trapped. I was still enmeshed with my parents…especially my mother. Of course, I am sure it did not help that my first marriage has all the earmarks of a cult arranged marriage…an alliance.

It was not until my second marriage…my non-cult marriage…that things started to change for me.  It took a while, but he provided a bit of a buffer between them and me. I started to be able to be around them and feel more comfortable…which isn’t saying a whole lot since I did not feel all that comfortable anyway.

My parents could control me so well. Hubby kind of interfered with that a little. It would take quite a few words to describe what would go on between us. It was so subtle and between the lines…not something an outsider would easily pick up on. In fact, I was still in the dark in so many ways as to how they were manipulating me. That is the way of the cult…programming…training. And I had been trained well for my job.

I did break free, though. It was a bit hairy as layer after layer of information came up. It was a journey…a process. It was a fight…and well worth it. My son was my biggest motivator. I was fighting to keep him safe.

So this song…I see a woman who is trapped. She could no more leave this jerk than fly. Just like I felt with my parents. I could not separate from them…not truly…not on a deep level. They had me.

But it isn’t just the video…it is the words, too.  Because of You I relate to hiding how I really feel. I grew up that way. Now I can be more real, but for most of life…even my adult life…I had to hide how I really felt…especially with the ex.

Even now I struggle at times with being open. That is mostly because I just don’t think people would be able to understand the depths of what I go through and what I feel…especially when I get triggered. That is when I hide the most. I am slowly opening up more. It depends on who I am with. And it depends a bit upon who I am, too.

Working on freedom hasn’t been easy. I am still working on it. Healing is hard.  So is being open. Being open is also a gamble. I just keep inching my way there…and then pulling back…observing. Some day…

I Was Trying…

I started another post and was trying to finish it…but I just can’t right now. I am weary…feeling overwhelmed. So what else is NOT new?

I know that this life is just a breath compared to eternity, but while I am living here still bound by time, it seems like eternity is already here. I know that things will change…I mean…why wouldn’t they? But I wonder how I will hold up.

I like to think that I am strong…and, I guess, in some ways I am. However, I also know that I am weak. I have the brain of someone who was abused as a child. My stress threshold is much lower than it should be…in spite of all the hard work I have done. And yet…in some ways…I am handling some things better than I would have many years ago. I guess that IS a sign of some healing.

If I really think about it…there is probably no way I could have lived in this situation years ago without going totally crazy. Now…I only go partway crazy. I guess that is progress.

Sometimes…it seems as if I am doing so much better. Then something happens that sets me off…that triggers me…and I feel as if I am right back where I used to be so long ago. Maybe the difference is how long I stay in the “crazies” when they hit? Or the way I use what I have learned to combat it…or to get through it?

The same…yet different.

No progress…yet progress.

Stuck…yet moving forward.

Going…yet standing my ground.

Shaking…yet calm.

Amnesic…yet with a sense of history.

“Orphaned”…yet a child of the Most High G-d.

Broken…yet healing.

Alone…yet never alone.

Forsaken…yet chosen.

Losing it…yet holding together.

I was reminded today of something that has really helped me. Someone I know wrote about it here.  In my current situation, being truly alone is a precious rarity. Oh, sometimes the guys are outside for quite awhile, but it isn’t quite the same. There is always the possibility of interruption. Still, although that does not help very much with my healing, per se, I could start taking advantage of it for quiet time…instead of using it for everything else I try to squeeze into it.

Today, I had a difficult time getting on line and staying on line…not that I had any technical difficulty…it was just that I had no desire to be on line…no words to write. I felt empty. It was like Yeshua was calling to me to come spend time with Him, to be refilled with Him…so I did…after a fashion. I spent some time reading the Word…something that also helps a lot…and just letting it soak into me. That really helped, although it does not take away the struggle completely.

Writing also helps. There are times when I just have to get out my feelings and thoughts. This blog is one way to do that. It really helps me to write…to reflect…to share.  Finding the words to get what is inside to the outside…it all helps. Having a certain amount of anonymity helps, too. There are a few who read who know my true identity, but very few. That helps me to share more easily.

Hopefully, soon, I will be able to get back to the other posts I want to write…the posts that are just sitting inside waiting to come out.  I feel as if this post is a bit disjointed, but right now it is the best that I can do. It has been a rough day and tomorrow is really busy. I know I will make it through because I always do. Somehow…my heavenly Abba keeps me together. He gives me what I need for each day…whether that day is rough or easy. He provides. He gets me through it.