Curve Balls in Life…

Life is full of surprises. Just when I think I am on a somewhat even keel…something happens to remind me that my “even keel” is, at times, rather precarious. Want an example? I could give many, but I will give one from tonight.

I am still working through my mother’s death and all the weirdness surrounding it and my whole life. Still being partially amnesic adds an interesting element to the mix.  I was not close to my mother, so her death does not hold the sting of losing something I had. Rather, it is about losing the opportunity to ever have it…in this life. I will never be close to her. There will never be reconciliation…in this life. We won’t hug…

I thought I was doing pretty much OK…getting back to some kind of even keel…when I saw a movie scene tonight that triggered a crying jag. Yeah…I am still affected by it. Can’t really help that. It was of a mother and son reconciling. I had seen this movie several times before, but this is the first time since word of her death.

(OK…gonna ramble a bit here.)

And speaking of her death…not only did my father not notify us, he did not notify anyone in her family either. The only obituary I could find did not list any next of kin…not even my father…who is already remarried. I wish I could find a wedding date, but the state they live in holds those kinds of record private. Only one year and 3 months ago she died and he is remarried. Like father like son? Family legacy? I don’t know. What can you say about generational abuse? It keeps on passing down. I am doing my darndest to make sure it stops in my generation. I really don’t know how successful I was at that. Perhaps that is one of the blessings of amnesia.

Anyway…just needed to get some thoughts out here tonight. I am still processing. I will be for a long time. And I am working on forgiveness. I refuse to lock myself in a prison of the heart by holding a grudge. Just not going there. I choose to walk in freedom and my heavenly Abba helps me to do that. I sure could not do it on my own. Nope. No way.

Living Life in the Face of Nastiness…

There are people in life who are simply nasty. They are mean, disrespectful and really don’t care how what they do affects others. When confronted with such people, we have choices to make. We can either react to them, wherein we lose ourselves by allowing them to control our lives and determine how we will live. Or, we can respond to them, wherein we maintain our own autonomy and integrity and choose how we shall live. I prefer the latter. That is my choice.

When I am confronted by nasty negative people I choose to remember that I, too, have had my “moments” of being nasty or ugly. It may not have been intentional. I may not have even been aware of how I was coming across. Or, I may have realized it as it was happening, but did not know how to “fix” it. Or maybe there was no fix…the damage was already done. Any way you look at it, I have had a negative impact on others at times in my life. So, I believe it is worthwhile to remain humble toward others, recognizing that I am certainly not perfect, either!

I also try to remember that everyone is the way they are for a reason. For good or bad, we have all had negative and positive experiences in life that have helped to shape us into what we are today. Sometimes, the balance between positive and negative was fairly even overall. But for some of us, one heavily outweighed the other.

For those whose positive experiences heavily outweighed the negative it can be difficult to understand those of who whose lives were the opposite. We may fumble where they do not. We may react to things that do not faze them one bit. I think it is good when each person can believe another’s story and try to imagine living in that reality. It can help us to be more empathetic toward others.

For those of us who weigh heavily on the negative, and some even in the extreme, it can be difficult to imagine life without that. We see the way others live and struggle to comprehend how they can do that. It just isn’t even on our radar.

Thankfully, though, there can be some good experiences even in the midst of craziness and evil, that give us some positive skills for life. For me, knowing my Creator made a HUGE difference. It is part of what helped to shape me and, I think, to temper how the abuse affected me.

I still deal with the physical effects of trauma brain and I can still experience flashbacks that are part of PTSD and getting  triggered.  However, I have learned over the years how to cope and work around the aftereffects. I know what I can do and what I cannot do and I no longer feel guilt or shame over what I cannot do…even when others do not understand. It is frustrating at times when people look less favorably upon me for what I cannot do. They cannot comprehend how even the simplest of things can be overwhelming at times. But I have learned to live with that and simply accept that there are things they simply do not know and, even if they did, might not be able to understand.

Life is good…even when it is hard. I am OK with that. My heavenly Abba/Father/true Daddy walks with me. So does my Messiah…Yeshua. Their Ruach/Spirit lives within me and that strengthens and comforts me…especially when life is hard.

I refuse to give up. I refuse to hold grudges. I refuse to not forgive. I choose to walk in freedom with my head held high…even when I am shaking inside.

Keeping Up With Life…

We have run into obstacle after obstacle in trying to get the house to a livable condition. Yet, every time something comes up Yahweh supplies the answer. The provision comes. The fix comes. The help comes. Sometimes from the most unexpected places.

Life happens and G-d provides. I just keep walking through it. Some days are fairly smooth for me. Some days…like right now…I feel as if I can hardly even concentrate enough to write this post. Yet…I just keep plugging along. In fact, that is how I have gotten through many years of my life…just persistent plugging along…taking it one day at a time…and even one breath at a time.

Yahweh is good. He kept me alive…kept me going. He did not let me give up. He did not let me take my life. He did not let me go in psych ward. He helped me watch over my children. He strengthened me and helped me to grow. He protected me in SO many ways!

Why? Why did He do that? Is it because I am someone special? I really don’t think so…certainly no more than anyone else. Maybe it is because I so much weaker than many others. Perhaps I would not have survived a psych ward…or a suicide attempt. I know others have gone through things that I really do not think I would have made it through.

Or…perhaps my children would not have survived if I was not there on some level for them. I don’t know. I do know, though, that my children were a very strong motivation for me to stick around. I wanted to protect them in any way I could.

I can speculate all I want as to why I have had to experience some really bad things…and yet been delivered/protected from others. I only know that He is faithful…faithful to get me through it and faithful to bless me in it. There are those moments in time when He touched me so deeply that I thought I could barely survive that! From darkness to glory He has been there for me and with me. He is why I live and breathe.

So…now I am trying to keep up with life. That means not keeping up with everything I would like to…but that is OK. It is not that some things and people are less important…it is simply a lack of time and energy.

I am becoming stronger and finding ways to find some more balance in my life. Right now…I am still juggling some things. I am learning to be true to who I am created to be…learning to figure out what to juggle and what to simply let go of. I don’t know about others…but that is no easy task for me. It can be downright challenging.

All of my life, I was to subordinate to others…to put their needs first. Even after all these years…I am STILL learning how to pick and choose when to put myself first. I am also still learning when those times are. I do not want to be selfish…always putting me first. I just want to take good care of myself. It is better to do a few things well than to do many things shoddily.

 

Go Slow?…

I came here to write about going slow…or not. Lo and behold, Paul left a comment on a previous post about that very thing!

In the post, I mentioned all the things on my plate…all the things that I am trying to do and that contribute to my feeling overwhelmed. One of those things is putting my artwork up on my art blog. I mean…hey…it was what…last July(?) that I did the Webinar. It is about time I finish getting them up. Of course, it is not that I have been slacking. I have not had access to my laptop or my photo software for several months. So, now is “catch-up” time.

My goal is within a month. However, this is very challenging. Some of it is the practical stuff of prepping things for upload. Although, thankfully, I did get a lot of that done before I lost the use of my laptop. But there is more to it than that.

Each piece I upload, I am reviewing. I am, on some level, revisiting the piece…what it was about…the reason I did it…what I hoped to accomplish. And yes, sometimes I revisit the pain. Oh, it may not even be conscious. Sometimes it manifests as just an “unsettled feeling”.

There is a lot that I have had to “put aside” for the last few years because of our living situation. I have had to keep on doing life with unresolved pain inside. I have been told that I am “shut down” inside…and I believe that to be the case. But when I look at my art…it is as if I am “unshutting” down. Between the art and the potential move…which may actually happen within a month (we are not sure, yet)…there is, I think, the beginning of an awakening.

I don’t know what the move will bring, but there is a lot of potential for stuffed things…and a shut down system…to start popping up…and out. The last thing I dealt with before moving here…or actually as I was moving here and immediately afterward…was all the junk that KB and her client wrought in my life. Yeah…the KB who is, hopefully, getting her license permanently revoked…forever…and ever…and ever!

Some of this art work deals with her. Or with another therapist I did some online/phone work with around the same time. And then there is the therapist I tried to get help from after we moved here. Ugh! All three are in some of my artwork. With two of them…KB and RM…it was all bad. With one…JM…it was a mix. JM at least gave me my art back by telling me how to do it on my PC. For that I am grateful…even though he caused a lot of disruption in my system with his arrogance.

So…on the one hand, I need to give myself the time to upload the pieces without being overly affected. On the other hand, I really want to finish getting them up…and rearranged into date order. I will probably always be affected…at least on some level. I guess the question is…are the effects manageable? Can I work with them…and through them?

I have always been a fighter. I hate to quit anything…although I have learned to do so. At this point, I guess I will just keep plugging along as best I can. And…heaven forbid…if I need to…I will slow down. I do take breaks when I need to…which is, at least, a good thing.

Just Sayin’…

I am really struggling right now.  I have goals I am striving for and, even though I try to keep my plate as free as possible, I find myself feeling overwhelmed.

There are blogs of online friends I want to read and posts that I have already read to which I want to respond. I have drafts I want to finish and others I want to start. I very much want to catch up with my art and poetry blogs.

Then there is Facebook…from which I have been pulling back and forums where I want to catch up with my online friends. I also own a couple of other blogs that I am trying to keep caught up. Then there are podcasts to which I want to listen.

And don’t forget family! I want/need to spend time with them, too! In fact, they should be a very high priority. I spent almost all day trying to get some programs loaded on my son’s laptop…in addition to trying to figure out how to get the filtering software settings livable. As much as I love my son, it was very draining for me…plus, it makes me feel even more pressured to get everything else done that I want to do.

Spending time with my heavenly Abba should be my number one. He is the One who keeps me balanced. The less time I spend on that heart connection, the worse I do. I must make decisions. I cannot do everything. I have to figure out what is most important to me…and that is not easy for I feel I already don’t do the things most important to me.

Moving will help…somewhat…but I will still only have so much time. At least I will then have a room I can go into. I won’t be distracted by the guys watching something. I also won’t have the energy drain of trying to hide the fact that I am triggered. The last couple of days or so it has gotten worse. That is not too surprising, though, considering my sister’s birthday is coming up.

Then there is also my art. Oh, how I miss it. I feel as if there is something germinating inside, but I cannot get it out. I did buy myself an art book, though! It is a sketch book that I hope to be using. Which brings up another thing…I am hoping to enter the current Expressive Arts Carnival…and I only have a couple more days!

Add to all that the loss of two people this week. I was not close to either of them, yet they both affect me, albeit it in different ways. One was an elderly woman who sat with two other elderly women in our congregation. We almost always sat right in front of them or near them. I would always greet them and they would always light up. Last night, I saw her in a coffin. I was so bad about remembering names that I did not realize who it was when they announced her death in the morning. But that night, when I came back for a class, I found out how it was. It was one of “my three ladies”.  I couldn’t cry yesterday, but I am now…which is actually a good thing.

The other was the son of a man in our evening class. 35 years old. History of mental issues and drug use. He was found on the floor next to his bed…OD’d. People had reached out to him, but he is still gone. My sister was 37 when she died. Although her situation was not identical…there are enough similarities. My heart breaks for those who experience the loss of a loved one. It is hard.

Oh, and did I mention that I am struggling to eat? I know a lot of that has to do with the hassle of cooking in this tiny place. Still, I learned how to shut off hunger so well all those years ago. It is still difficult sometimes to know if I am hungry or not. Sometimes, I just don’t feel well. And lately, I have not felt very good. The off sleep schedule does not help. I keep hoping we will move soon so that I can have at least some semblance of control over my life again.

PTSD…oh, what FUN!! NOT!!! My heart hurts and I don’t even know exactly why most of the time.

Maybe…It’s My Parents…(trying again)…

OK…so I decided to try calling my parents around the end of September. To recap, my mother had emailed me to tell me that she was dying of melanoma. I had responded immediately. She had said that she wished we could visit. I told her we don’t live close enough and we have no funds to go to her. I did, however, offer to call if she turned her caller ID off and gave me her current number. No response.

I finally decided to give the last number we had for her a try. When you look it up it says it is a cell phone, but apparently it is not. Cell phones don’t have extensions.

The call was not very long. I told her that I decided to try that number even though she had not gotten back to me. She apologized. She said that she had a whole long email written up but that she was nervous (or something) about sending it because she did not want to get angry. I did not ask her to clarify. (I am not stupid…or at least not totally.) I decided to let it go.

She asked if our son remembered that he was their little precious. I told her that I know he knows they love him, but she wanted to know about that specifically. I was trying to think if he did and she said it was OK if he didn’t. After all, he had been so young. I told her I did not know for sure.

The whole conversation felt pretty weird. It was also hard to get used to the sound of her voice. Apparently, the melanoma is in her throat. Sometimes she has no voice at all. I could tell it was her, but she sounded very different. I don’t know if that helped or made it harder.

There were moments of silence, especially when my father was on the phone. (She did ask if it was OK to put him on.) She cautiously asked questions about our location. I could tell she was trying not to stir anything up. I would say the conversation, if you could call it that…went “OK”. My father interrupted at one point because she was supposed to be leaving right away for an appointment. As she was hanging up, she said that my calling meant a lot to her…or something to that effect.

Then she said something about loving everyone in the family. Typically, she writes something (on the rare occasions that she actually does write) about loving my son. She might write something about loving the whole family, but it is typically all about my son. This time she said “everyone in the family”. I thought about how to respond. I almost let it go, but I didn’t. I allowed myself to be vulnerable.

I told her I was glad to hear her say that and that it was the closest I remembered her coming to actually saying she loved ME. She responded that she had told me that many times over the years. I told her it had been years since I had heard it. It was always about my son and I felt pushed aside. I don’t know whether she heard the catch in my voice, but she actually said “you’re right. And there is a reason for that. I want to explain it to you. I want you to know.” Or something VERY close to that. I was stunned.

I told her I would like to talk further and told her to email me and let me know when is a good time for me to call. I said that I loved them both and always had. I had said it more than once during the call, but I never really felt like I got an acknowledgment of that.

I did not hear from her. So, three days after the call, I emailed both of my parents. I told them I was glad we had the opportunity to talk a bit. I shared that it felt somewhat awkward,  but that it was to be expected. I told them I really do love them both, and always have, in spite of our disagreements. I also wrote that I cannot pretend that the disagreements never happened…nor can I deny what I know. However, I am willing to try to work around those things in an effort to reconnect on some level. I signed it love.

That was about two weeks ago. Nothing. Again…I try to be understanding. I mean…hey…she is battling cancer…again. She does not need upsets right now. On the other hand…she said this is no time to quibble. My guys were gone when I called. Does she figure it will be that way again? Does she not want to talk to me? I don’t know. I can think of questions to ask until the cows come home. The fact is I am not in her mind and I have no idea what either of them are thinking or feeling. I just know that I feel disconnected from them and have for many years. I do not remember a time of feeling close to my mother. Not sure I do with my father, either. So much of my childhood is shrouded in a fog of amnesia.

I am SO tired. I have been fighting to keep alert and going. It is difficult to focus. I have been interrupted so many times in writing this…but what else is new? I’ll be OK.

 

Today…

…it is one foot in front of the other. I went out to get the oil changed on the van…for free! When I came back I really did not want to get out, but I did. I still have lots to do today…my checkbook, the bills, working on something for the house.

I was shaky when I got here this morning, but as I read and responded to comments, things started to calm down a bit inside. Now I am taking a few minutes to write before going outside to help with something.

People say that I am courageous. That always takes me by surprise. I guess I just don’t see anything I do as being courageous so much as it is what I need to get by. But I think I do get it. There was a time when I was afraid to put anything out here. It has taken time to get to the point where I can write what I write as openly as I do. So, yeah…maybe I get it. But I still am not sure I am all that courageous. I see other survivors doing things that I cannot imagine doing. I think THEY are courageous!

My body is flooded with emotional flashbacks. It is difficult to think straight…yet I must. It is times like these when it is the most difficult. There is no place to just go hide out for a while. Plus, when there are things that need to be done…well…they need to be done. I have already left so many things undone because I just could not do them. But I cannot leave everything there…as much as I would like to at times.

Sometimes I just wish I could go someplace safe and shut down. No responsibilities. Nobody needing me…for ANYthing! Just rest and healing. Like a retreat. I used to have a contemplative style retreat every year…just Yahweh and me. I have not had one since 2005. Oh, how I miss it.

As for mom…more on her later. Still no further word from her.

Maybe…It Is the Time of Year… (TRIGGER WARNING)

How I do during this time of year varies. But one thing seems to remain the same. At some point, I will get hit with the reality of what is happening out there. There aren’t really too many places where I can openly talk about this subject. My main FB profile is one where I cannot. I mean…I can mention it in passing…but to really share the horror of it? No way!

Part of that is because there are actually rather young people in my friends list and because there are people I don’t know well enough to be that open. Another part of it is how do you explain to people the things I have seen? The things I have experienced? I don’t even write that much about it here. How do you explain child sacrifices? How do you explain cannibalism? How do you explain ceremonial daggers with blood dripping from them? How do you explain seeing your father plunge a dagger into the heart of an infant after smiling at you? How do you explain having to choose who lives and who dies? How do you explain a bigger hand over your hand holding a dagger? How do you explain looking down at your own hands and finding they look so much like your mother’s? How do you explain emotional flashbacks that cause you to fight to keep from doubling over…to keep looking “normal” and “OK” to those around you? How do you explain being out and about and suddenly needing to be home…or some other safe place? HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN??????

I find that I don’t. I just keep on hiding it…inside. Maybe THAT is why I am feeling so emotional right now. Well…I KNOW there is more to it than that…but that IS at least part of it. I shove aside the things I know. In so doing, I think I am also shoving aside the things I don’t yet remember. There is a time…if we are on this earth long enough…when those things will have to come to the surface. A time when the hidden things buried deep within will have to be made known.

So…maybe it is the time of year…when all that is buried is touched upon by the knowledge I have of what is going on.

Cruelty and Healthy Boundaries…

What my mother has done is cruel. I keep trying to empathize and to understand her pain. But not matter how much I empathize…no matter how much I forgive…it still hurts like hell. I am the unwanted daughter. I did not step up to the plate. I did not take over. I stepped out of line. I left. I have no desire to be a princess other than in the One True Creator God’s kingdom.

I will never live up to her expectations. Her expectations (and his) lead to death. I have chosen a different path. If they do not want me…they can forget my son. I was actually willing to let them talk to him on the phone, but if they don’t want me…forget it. That is not being selfish…it is being real. It is not being vindictive…it is setting boundaries…healthy boundaries.

Boundaries are not OK in the cult. My whole life I had no boundaries. I did not know where I ended and other people began. I was trained to be a chameleon…to anticipate others needs/wants. Those in the cult who knew the trigger words and actions could get anything they wanted. NO MORE!!

I was accessed by a “Christian” therapist after we moved here. He had experience with cult clients. Little did I know that he was not only cult himself…but that we had met many years ago. It ends here…and now! I will not kowtow to my parents. I will not kowtow to anyone but my Lord…and He does not ask me to. He lifts my head to look into His eyes so that I can see His healing love.

I hurt. I am angry. I do not deserve to be treated this way. Even IF I had been the worst daughter on the planet…rather than simply and imperfect one…I do not deserve this. I have reached out via email for a year and a half. It has gone nowhere. I tried. My conscience is clear. I have done what I can. It is their loss. They can blame me all they want…but they have a part in this. I am an adult. I will not submit to them or to their control. I will not go back to the way things were.

So I will continue to mourn what was and I will mourn what never was. I will mourn the dream of having a somewhat regular family. I will keep my heart open until there is nothing left…and at that point…I will mourn for what will never be. I have dreams. I have always had dreams. Many of them are just broken dreams…turning to dust beneath my feet. Oh, well.

I have survived. I will survive. Nay…I will thrive! In spite of how hard my life is right now…I have more freedom than I ever did living under their control. The Creator has given me the gift of who I am…all of me. I am His…and no one else’s…no one’s.

I hope we can make peace before she dies…same with him. But if it does not happen…I refuse to beat myself up with guilt that is not mine.

Each Day Moving Forward…

I don’t know how much time we have left in this world. I watch it getting worse and worse…and then I wonder…how serious are my problems…really. I do my best when I walk in the truth that this is NOT my real Home. My real Home comes after this world passes away. This is merely a shadow of what is to come…and for some of us…it is a very dark shadow.

Yet…the Creator has come to bring light into this darkness. He has come to bring love and healing…and a challenge. Recognizing who He is and choosing to follow Him comes with a price. There are those who reject Him and there are some who will reject me, also. Some will reject me because I am a broken imperfect person, but there are some who will reject me because I follow Him…because I will not compromise truth.

Personally…I don’t really think that most people are really rejecting Him. I think they are rejecting the caricature and false image of Him that has been taught in so many places and groups. It really makes me sad when I see how He is portrayed as something/someone He is not. So many people miss out on the blessing of really knowing Him because they have never been introduced to the REAL Him!

Another thing that makes a real difference in my life is when I sit with the One who made me…the One who knows me best…the One who became man and gave of Himself for me. That is one of the challenges of my living situation. I have not had any regular time alone to just sit with Him. But then I have to ask myself…how much do I really love Him? When we really love someone…don’t we make time to be with that person?

As I sit here I recognize that I really do not do all I can to spend time with Him…listening for His voice…reading and learning of Him…focusing my heart upon Him…drawing closer to Him. There are things in my life that make it harder to do all of that…things I can do nothing about. I can’t do much about my brain being in a fog…or about feeling a bit dizzy at times. I can’t do much about being unable to focus…about my mind swirling around. However, do I make the best use of the little snippets of time I have alone? He is my Creator. He loves me so much and has been here for me in so many ways. Do I really appreciate that? Do I show that appreciation?

It has been so long since I have lived in a situation that allowed me to spend regular time with Him and in His written words to me. Yet…I do talk to Him a lot. In fact, I am talking to Him even as I write these words. And He does speak to my heart. As I sit here thinking that I am failing to really do all I can to draw close to Him, He just puts His arms around my heart and reassures me that it is not about performance. It is about loving Him…and I do love Him…so much more than I can ever express.

I cannot show my love for Him in the same ways that others can, but why should I? I am not them! I am His unique creation…made in His image and filled with His Spirit. So I show my love for Him in ways that are uniquely gifted to me. Sometimes…loving Him can simply mean that I honor Him by not giving up. I keep fighting. I keep trying to do the right thing…even when I fall upon my face time after time. I aim at taking good care of this body that He has given me.

Hm…I just took a break to fold some clothes before I wrap up this post. I am listening to some beautiful music being played on PBN. Suddenly, I realized something. Sometimes the music in our lives is loud and we are dancing and singing to it. Other times it is a steady stream in the background. We are not focused on it, but it is there nonetheless.

It is the same in my life with the Creator. Sometimes I am focused directly and intently upon Him. He and I are dancing and singing and openly communicating. But oftentimes, He is the spiritual background music of my life…the love that is always there…the presence that is always with me…even when I am not really focusing directly on Him.

I want to have Him more up front in my life. Yet I am also grateful that He is faithful to never leave me or abandon me…even when He is not the upfront focus…even when flashbacks seem more real…even when my brain is too foggy to focus on anything…even when I cannot read His word…even when confusion seems to be reigning.

He is good. He is love. He is my true Abba…and my L-rd. His Spirit lives with me. Because of Him…I can live each day moving forward…even when it does not feel as if I am moving forward.

How a Webinar Is Done…

A webinar is an online seminar. Instead of going to a physical place, you sign in to an online site…from the comfort of your own home. That is nice because you don’t have to be concerned about traffic or getting there on time. You also get to have handy whatever you need to help you keep grounded…or to get grounded if something in the webinar triggers you. All those who are signed up will receive an email with the site address and the log in. Via that site, you get to watch the slides used by the presenter.

A second email invites everyone to the webinar conference call. The email includes a phone number with a sign in code. That connects everyone in a single call. Those listening mute their phones while the presenter is speaking to cut down on background noise. There are times given for feedback or questions. Most presenting sites also have call in or microphone capability. Not each site is equal in its quality or features, though. Therefore, Survivorship has chosen to use one site’s call-in software and another site’s presenting software.

So, you receive two emails…one with the call-in information and one with the link for the log-in to see the slides. It is a very interesting experience. Oh…and another thing. There is a side chat window for those who have difficult with speaking on the phone. It is possible to ask the presenter questions there.

Art Webinar and Life…

Well…the art Webinar is this coming Saturday, the 21st.  This month I am presenting. Ack!

No…seriously…it should be fun. However, I have never done a webinar. I like speaking and sharing, but have not really done so since uncovering the SRA side of my history. This should be interesting. Hopefully…all will go smoothly and I will handle it well. I do NOT need my PTSD to start rising…although I already feel inklings of it. I am sure things will settle down a bit once I have the presentation finished. I am almost there.

Ordinarily I would NEVER like to cut things this close, but the past few months have been filled with laptop juggling and using (at least part of the time) an old dinosaur of a laptop. I did trade one dino for another dino…but at least this dino has more going for it.

A brand new laptop…a gift from a very generous brother in the L-rd…is on its way. However, it is not scheduled to arrive until Thursday. That does not really give me much time to load everything up and be ready for Saturday…especially since it will about guaranteed to have a different OS. Ack!! So, I will probably be using the laptop I am using now…which does not have everything loaded on it that I would normally have.

Typically, I would have everything done way in advance. Not so this time. I am still thinking some things through…although most of what remains is just info typing. I have not only had to switch laptops twice, but I have also had to use two different presentation softwares! Thankfully, this dino has Power Point on it and that is much easier to use than Open Office…which is saving me time! Yay!

We are in desperate need of a house. Someone has been trying to get it built for about a year now. I asked my husband the other day how much he wanted to bet that there will be people crawling all over the place during the webinar. They have not been here for quite a while so it would not surprise me if they are suddenly able to come. When you are working with volunteers, you cannot exactly schedule things. You take whatever you can get whenever you can get it…gratefully! Right now…my family is planning on being gone for that time so I can have quiet and be able to concentrate.

I am both looking forward to doing this…and looking forward to being done with it! Depending on how this goes, I will consider whether or not to do any more webinars…art or otherwise. When I signed up for it, I thought it would be fun. And I still think it will be. However, I was also very much hoping to be in the house by now. Oh, well. Such is life!

I have no idea how many are signed up for it…or if anyone I know is signed up for it. I do know this…I will eventually be putting most of my art pieces up on my art blog. There are, however, some pieces I cannot put up due to copyright issues. I will show them during the webinar, but most likely will not be putting them up on the blog. There are also a few others that I will be showing that won’t be going up on the blog. The only way to see them is to either go to the webinar or come to my house. It is also going to take me a while to get the pieces up on the blog as there are so many.

To top it off…we may have a thunderstorm that day. So, I need to make sure the cordless phone is charged up. If need be, I will use the laptop with its batteries to see the presentation and I will have someone else change the slides on line for me. If there is lightning…we unplug the modem and all the electronics. It could be VERY interesting!

So…deep breath…rest…relax…trust. I am asking Yeshua to guide me and lead me. I need wisdom as to what to show and what to share about each piece. All is well. All will work out.

Blogs and Bookmarks and Other Stuff…

The last time I changed laptops, I lost the tabs on some blogs I was following. I forgot to bookmark them. I tried to do some searches, but cannot locate the blogs…and I don’t remember where I first found them.

I have been so on edge lately…even more forgetful and overwhelmed. It is difficult to keep track of more than I absolutely have to. I have been pulling back from some things and taking care of myself.

The other day, I got to speak with my former therapist from across the country. I sure wish I could speak with her more frequently. I miss having someone with whom to regularly debrief…someone who understands me and knows me very well…someone who knows my issues and my history…someone who is level-headed and of the same belief system as me. She is really good and I know I can trust her.

What I really wish for, though, is the ability to talk with someone face to face…in person…every week. I so miss that. When I feel edgy, it can be difficult to open up to anyone…but I can often write…or do art. I am going to try to work on both.

Part of what I am dealing with right now is the realization that there are certain things in my life that may never change. There are things I have no control over…and those things affect me. I must work on accepting them…somehow working around them and with them.

I Feel…

I feel drained…poured out. Overwhelmed.

I tried out a program online called Backyard Paradise. It is a sort of collage where you design your backyard from a variety of scenes. I chose a sand desert. Starting with that, I tried to show how I feel. I posted the result here in a piece called “Poured Out”.

I have another idea for showing how I feel, but I have not worked on it, yet.I hope to get it done and be able to turn it in for the third Expressive Arts Carnival.

This afternoon, I spoke with my former therapist…a wonderful, Christian woman whom I miss very much. She wishes I could get away for a week or two…take a real break from everything going on in my life. But I just don’t see how I can. I have two places I can go. One friend has offered to pay my way there (and for my son, too, if need be) and the other wishes she/they could. But there are things here that I need to be available for. I just cannot leave at this time. In some ways, I feel trapped here…stuck.

I keep looking to my heavenly Abba/Daddy…for comfort…for wisdom. Somewhere along the way I allowed myself to get sucked into some unhealthy thinking. I talked this over with D…the therapist. I feel as if I lost my way for a bit. The freedom in Yeshua that I once felt and experienced just sort of slipped away. It is not that the freedom was no longer there…just that I seemed to no longer have access to it. It wasn’t that I was lost. My Abba always knew where I was and He was right here with me. It is just that I lost my awareness of Him…of His love. I have been feeling confused…mixed up and filled with shame and guilt.

Why is that? I think a lot of it is just because I have been so vulnerable. I love my Creator…very much. I am so grateful for all He has done in my life…for His incredible love for me. I try to be open to whatever it is that He wants from me. I want to serve and obey Him both because I love Him and because I trust that He knows what is best for me…even if I don’t see it.

There are some things I have been reading in the last few years…while also in the midst of this living situation. These things had to do with what others thought obedience to G-d means…how that should look in our day-to-day lives. A lot of it “sounds” right on. The arguments are well written and, in my vulnerability, I found myself starting to lean toward some of them. But they are lies.

Add to that the fact that, as I heal, I change. As I come together inside, my understanding of things changes…and that includes spiritual things. There is so much that I once understood that I now find myself confused about.

The confusion is not about core stuff. I know who the Creator is. I know what Yeshua did for me. Of that, I have no doubt. However, how that plays out in my life…what I am supposed to do with that understanding and how I am to live is another thing. There are scriptures that I thought I understood. Either I did not really understand them…or the changing inside has caused me to lose some of that understanding…and I need to regain it.

In some ways, I feel like I am on the threshold of a deeper walk…a deeper knowledge…a deeper experience with my L-rd. I feel as if I am having to look at things with new eyes…and I need the help of the Holy Spirit to understand what I am seeing.

Many years ago, I had to ask the Holy Spirit for help. I needed Him to take away what I had been taught and to allow me to see what He has written in His word…the bible. I needed help to see what He was really saying…not merely what I had been taught He was saying. I needed to hear it from Him…as it were. And He did it. He opened my eyes and removed the bondage I was in to what I had been taught.

Now…I see myself in that place again. Over the years I have read much…walked much…understood much. But there are things that I have been taught since that time many years ago that have not been true…as I am now finding out. There has been error mixed in with the truth…and I need to sort that out.

Emotionally…I have been a wreck. Mentally…I have been in a fog…and drowning with too much input and no consistent for real solitude time. Spiritually…I have been more faithful than I thought, in spite of the confusion I have been experiencing. Yahweh is faithful…and I am so glad, for I could not do life if He was not.

So I am trying to take good care of myself. I am up against some things over which I have no control and very limited influence. However, I will do what I can. The stress of the living situation which adds to the PTSD has me feeling on the edge a lot of the time. I find myself fighting tears and withdrawing. Yet…I am also seeing little things I can do to try to preserve what little sanity I have left. I can only trust in my Abba for those things to work.

It is not easy to maintain when there are three of us in a tiny space. My guys are gone for a few hours today…which I desperately needed. However, just thinking of them coming causes me to feel the stress level starting to rise. So…I will try not to go there. I will get through this.

Life today…

I am still feeling very on edge…a bit overwhelmed. I am doing what I need to do. Or, at least, what is within my ability to do.

I am thinking about this next Expressive Arts Carnival. I have something in mind, but I will have to see if I can get to it.

Right now, I am just trying to figure out what I can eliminate from my life…at least temporarily.

I did get word on my laptop situation. It is difficult to say when it will get resolved. I am going to have to look for a new laptop…courtesy of my after market warranty. This is a good thing. Hopefully, I will be able to get something better than I had. Funny…it is just a machine, but I feel kind of sad that I will never see it again. I still have the previous one (I am using it now). To have this one just “disappear” feels weird somehow.

Kind of like my memory…there are things that just “disappeared” from my conscious. Where are they? At least I have a chance of “seeing” those things again. They have a chance to “resurface”…unlike my laptop. I will never see it again. Man that feels odd. I think it would have been easier if I had handed it off to someone rather than mailing it off into the wild blue yonder. Although, I am not sure why there is a difference.

I may soon have a better laptop I can borrow until I get mine replaced…but I am not sure when that will happen.

Well…signing off for now. I’ll be back when I can.