Curve Balls in Life…

Life is full of surprises. Just when I think I am on a somewhat even keel…something happens to remind me that my “even keel” is, at times, rather precarious. Want an example? I could give many, but I will give one from tonight.

I am still working through my mother’s death and all the weirdness surrounding it and my whole life. Still being partially amnesic adds an interesting element to the mix.  I was not close to my mother, so her death does not hold the sting of losing something I had. Rather, it is about losing the opportunity to ever have it…in this life. I will never be close to her. There will never be reconciliation…in this life. We won’t hug…

I thought I was doing pretty much OK…getting back to some kind of even keel…when I saw a movie scene tonight that triggered a crying jag. Yeah…I am still affected by it. Can’t really help that. It was of a mother and son reconciling. I had seen this movie several times before, but this is the first time since word of her death.

(OK…gonna ramble a bit here.)

And speaking of her death…not only did my father not notify us, he did not notify anyone in her family either. The only obituary I could find did not list any next of kin…not even my father…who is already remarried. I wish I could find a wedding date, but the state they live in holds those kinds of record private. Only one year and 3 months ago she died and he is remarried. Like father like son? Family legacy? I don’t know. What can you say about generational abuse? It keeps on passing down. I am doing my darndest to make sure it stops in my generation. I really don’t know how successful I was at that. Perhaps that is one of the blessings of amnesia.

Anyway…just needed to get some thoughts out here tonight. I am still processing. I will be for a long time. And I am working on forgiveness. I refuse to lock myself in a prison of the heart by holding a grudge. Just not going there. I choose to walk in freedom and my heavenly Abba helps me to do that. I sure could not do it on my own. Nope. No way.

Grieving the Finality of What Will Never Be…

I found out yesterday that my mother passed away on December 24, 2010. Yep…that is 1 year, 2 months and 14 days, plus or minus. And he is already remarried…I have NO idea for how long.

We permitted our son to call my mother…it’s a long story. When he asked about his grandmother, my father told him that she had died two years ago on a date my son did not remember. I got the actual date by calling the coroner’s office. They were able to confirm the date of her death and the cause…melanoma. I was told that she had been in hospice care, which was why her death was reported to them. It is a law in that state to report all deaths of people in hospice care.

Over the years I have grieved for what was and grieved for what wasn’t. And now, I need to grieve for what for sure will never be. There will never be reconciliation. Never be recognition. Never be an apology or forgiveness extended. Never be so many things.

I have a lot to think about…and a lot to feel. It can be difficult not to second-guess myself, but there are things I need to face in order to settle things in my own mind and heart. I was told she was dying, but not that she was in hospice care or that it was imminent. My father just kept playing games and, I believe, actually kept us apart…especially given what she said in the one time I did talk to her…a call that was interrupted by my father.

Things are a bit complicated and I am having to sort them all out. I need to own whatever is mine and refuse to take on whatever is not. I will not try to pick up another’s guilt. It is simply not mine to carry. Nor is it for me to run from my responsibilities. I went into this with eyes wide open. I knew the risks. I took the chance. Now it is over. Now I will process from a different place…on the other side of her death.

It is sad when someone lies so much that even when they tell the truth it is not the whole story and you don’t really know what you can believe. There are so many what ifs that I could run through. And taking a look is not a bad idea…but living there is. I must face what I must face and trust my heavenly Abba to walk me through to the other side. He has never let me down.

Stability?

My family is probably in what most would call a very unstable situation. While our living quarters are much improved…albeit unfinished…we have zero income. Well, let me clarify that. Unemployment has run out and there is still no real job offer. Scary, right?

Actually, it is not. We are seeing G-d move in amazing ways. Our bills are paid. We have plenty of food. Odd jobs are coming our way. The wood stove is in and we have free wood for the winter…which is much milder than we expected. Life is actually good.

There are things I do struggle with, however. Our house is very chaotic and cluttered (due in large part to being unfinished and having no real outside storage at the moment) and I don’t do real well with that.  It is hard to find and keep track of things. Cleaning is a real challenge so there is a lot of dust and an untidy appearance. I have to constantly be aware of my surroundings to make sure I do not trip or bump into things. In a sense, I think it is not too dissimilar to the hyper-awareness that comes with PTSD. Regardless of the cause…it is a mental energy drain.

With hubby being unemployed, that means that this introvert has one more person’s presence I am always aware of. And yes, even just the awareness can be a bit of a mental drain, even if he is not interrupting me a lot like my son does. Like his father, he is in an extrovert so I am outnumbered here. It is difficult to get anything done…like writing here, for example! Trying to have a routine or schedule is pretty much impossible…or at least one that is very structured.

There are some things I can do to help achieve more stability in this environment. The first one, of course, is to really focus on my Creator. The closer I draw to Yeshua/Jesus…to YHWH of the bible, the better I handle the curve balls that life keeps throwing at my family. The more time I spend just interfacing with G-d and reading/studying His words, the better I do life.

Another thing that helps is to remember what works best for me…what I most need. As an introvert, I need time alone…time to just be quiet and “be”. I rarely have that so I really need to make ways to get it. Sometimes that means telling my family “no” and why. They are actually understanding and supportive if I just remind them of what I need as an introvert! I rarely even need to bring up that I am a survivor.

Because I am busy, I need to be very selective about how I spend my time. I try not to focus on things that are not going to help me grow and reach my goals. I try to focus on positive and uplifting things rather than ones that are either negative or  just frivolous. When I need to laugh, I focus on something humorous. If I need uplifting, I focus on something that is encouraging. What I focus on makes a difference in how I do life. Whether it is something to read, hear or watch I am learning to ask myself if it is really helpful or just a time waster. That is not to say that there aren’t times when I need to just do something a bit frivolous for my state of mind, but if it becomes a habit I know I am probably just avoiding something.

Which brings up another thing that helps…keeping short accounts and facing things head on. It takes more energy to avoid facing painful things that I need to work on than it does to simply work on them so that I can move on! It also takes more energy to stay angry at someone or to be fretting about how I have hurt someone than it does to let it go or go work things out with the person.

I have also learned to move within my limitations. I know…a lot of people see limitations as a negative thing. Well, I don’t. If I acknowledge realistic limitations and boundaries it enables me to move about more freely inside of them. Otherwise, I will stretch myself too thing trying to do too many things. I will be constantly drained and I won’t do any of them very well. I prefer to rotate my focus. I have several blogs and I take turns writing in them. I have Facebook and I slip that in, although I am trying to spend a lot less time there because I believe it can be a very frivolous thing if I am not carefully guarding my time there. I like to cook and organize my house and do assorted other things, but I cannot do them all at once. I have to take turns and there are some things I simply have to put on “hold” for the time being…like my poetry writing (or even getting what I already have written up on that blog).

I would rather do less and live in peace than try to do it all and constantly feel chaos within me. The world can get along without me, but I do hope that I can brighten at least my corner of it once in a while. I don’t want to be too busy to do that!

Well, I hope today’s ramblings will help someone. I know that writing things out helps me. It reminds of what is important and it helps me to get my thoughts in order and clarify things for myself! That helps me to overcome the chaos and clutter around me!

Or…Could It Be Two Wrong Answers?

The flip side of two right answers is two wrong answers. Each choice has a positive side and a negative side.

If I call, I see several possibilities:

*They might have put up call blocker which settles it as I won’t give my phone number out. Even if I was willing, my hubby is not and I am trusting him to watch out for my son and me.

*I might have to face talking to my father. I did talk to him the time when I called. My mother asked if she could put him on the phone and I said “yes”. Neither of us really said much of anything. I don’t remember what was said, but I do know it was very short…probably because he is hard of hearing?

*I might actually get somewhere with my mother. Boy…am I dreaming or what???

*Any contact might result in my father sending a nasty email to my hubby…which, of course, I do have the option to read or not. I do believe hubby would tell me if my father wrote.

*My mother might actually email me. Although my father’s email is blocked…her’s is not.

*If I am rebutted…at least I will know I tried…again.

If I don’t call:

*I won’t have to face any weirdness…other than what my father might send to my hubby.

*I may always wonder if I was just being smart…or being a wimp. I mean…seriously…what can my father (or mother) really do to me? I have pretty much known where I stand for years. My mother confirmed it when I talked to her on the phone and my father confirmed it in an email. What could he possibly say or do that can really hurt me? I drew the boundary lines about 9 years ago. Nothing seems to have really changed.

Whether I call or not, I am faced with the possibility that my father may never let me know if my mother dies and vice versa. While not a pleasant thought, I am prepared for that possibility.

(As it turns out, my father did write before I got a chance to post this. More to come.)

Two Right Answers?

In our Good Grief group meeting this last week, AR suggested that the two choices I have are both right. That neither one is wrong.

I can choose to take the emotional risk to once again call my parents. Or, I can choose to not take the risk…especially given the history and the next to zero chance that anything will have changed…and especially since my parents DO know how to contact me should they wish to actually connect.

We were talking about guilt…guilt over things we wish we had or had not said or done with the person we had lost. My focus right now is my mother who has melanoma. Although any relationship we once has been gone long ago, her death will bring a final end to any possibility of change.

My husband referred to it as “anticipated” guilt. I had shared how I am looking forward and wondering what decision I should make and whether it will be the right one. How can you know? One thing AR said is important is that we keep talking about the things we are experiencing surrounding the losses we have. Keep talking until we can work through it.

I have been pondering his comment that both decisions are right. In my mind, I kept feeling like I was being a wimp…too fearful to face my father’s abusive words. And what if my mother is somehow being controlled by my father? Forget that she was abusive, too!

In our last conversation, my mother admitted that it was being pushed aside for my son. She said she REALLY WANTED (her emphasis) for me to understand why that was…that it was IMPORTANT that I know. Then…no more contact. It could be manipulation. It could be that she actually let her guard down and got real for a couple of minutes. It could be all kinds of things.

I think it was really helpful for me to hear AR say that BOTH decisions were right….especially since he knows a lot more details than the other women in the group. He knows my parents are toxic for me from meeting with me previously.

I just want to do what is right, but having it pointed out that they KNOW the door is open…they KNOW they can write my hubby and my mother can write me…helped bring a more balanced perspective. It IS helpful to hear that from outside of myself.

Grief Group…

AR is the therapist facilitating the group. I had an advantage in the sense that I have worked with AR before. He helped me with some tough things. Unfortunately, though, he had no experience working with clients who have experienced the type of abuse I have been through. So, between that and finances, I quit seeing him. When I saw that he was doing the grief group it just felt like something I needed to do. The price was right…free.

Tonight, there were only two others…women who had lost their husbands within the last year. There are supposed to be a couple more people who could not make it the first night. I felt kind of the odd one out, but as AR said…there are many different things a person can grieve over. In fact, I recommended it to my hubby afterward because he is going through so many losses himself…especially in the area of employment.

One of the first things he did was share some things about himself and his own experience with grief. After that, we each shared why we were there. Although I feel I have a pretty good handle on what I am grieving and why, it still felt kind of awkward. My situation is different from theirs, although it is not unusual, per se. I know of many people who are estranged and one wants to reconnect. And yes…there is oftentimes even one who is very ill…making a desire for reconnection more urgently felt.

I shared that I did not need to connect, but that I wanted to. When she dies, I want to know that I did everything reasonable to reconnect…that I did the right thing…that I did what I believe Abba wants me to do. I want my conscience clear. Really…it is more about making sure they know the door is open on my end. It would be nice to be able to have my mother receive the truth that I love her…in spite of everything, but I really don’t see that happening…outside of a miracle. But then, I serve a G-d who does miracles. Still, He won’t force Himself upon a person, either.

We were given a little book to read as we go along…a tiny thing…on grieving. I forgot to bring it in the house with me so I can’t give you the title. He read a few paragraphs here and there and we talked a bit. We covered being in shock and some of the different ways people grieve and the different things they grieve over.

It is hard enough for me to start something new like this. It is harder still when I feel as if my story is so much different from the others. I wonder what the circumstances are of the new ones that will come next week. At least I have the advantage that AR knows my story enough to understand what is going on beneath the surface of what I share.

I know this is rough. It is a bit difficult to focus, so I hope there are no typos!

Grieving…

I leave in an hour for the first night of grief group. All day long I have struggled to function. In fact, it has not only been today. This has been building over days…perhaps even a week or more. For the last week or so I have been struggling with bouts of depression, culminating with feeling like I am so nonfunctional today. It is hard to even think, let alone accomplish anything. Yet, I did get some things done anyway.

I have no idea what to expect regarding tonight. I have never been to a group like this. I just know I need to go…so I am going. I am determined to work through this. I figure it will be interesting being the only person there with an SRA history. Or at least, that is the most likely scenario. Who knows? Perhaps there will be others there with abuse histories, although that is not the focus of the group. I kind of wish it was, but it isn’t. So, I will have to use some discernment when I share. (I assume there is a time of sharing.)

 

This Is the Week…

I start the grief group. The first of six meetings is in two days. Emotionally…I am all over the map. Body memories I was hoping I was done with have come back.

Our living situation does not help. There is a LOT to do and only us (mostly hubby and son) to do it. He (and I) are feeling a bit overwhelmed. We are no longer in the old place, and yet not completely in the new one, either. We have to do laundry at the old place still and we are paying for two power bills…which really hit when I opened the mail today. We also have things that keep going wrong…like a persistently leaky shower. Thankfully, we think we finally have that one figured out. And then there are the tools that either stop working right or quit altogether.

Our son has been staying in the extra room while his room is finished. Hopefully, he will be moving into his room tomorrow…which will give me access to the office room. Once it has a door installed it will be the one room where no one is to walk in on me. It will be the office, the counseling room, the art and craft room, the guest room. It is not very big, but it will do.

I figured that being in a much bigger place where I can actually have some privacy to process would start bringing things up. I believe that most of what is coming up is related to my parents…specifically to my mother’s condition. As the body memories raged yesterday morning, I found my focused on my mother. It was mostly nonspecific…just a sense that it was connected to my mother.

I expect there will be lots more coming up once I have that room and things are a bit more settled. Not only will there be issues surrounding my mother (and father), but I am sure all kinds of things that have been shut down due to our previous living situation will start to open up. Randy Noblitt says he thinks my system is totally shut down. We will see how correct he is.

As for mom, I have already done a lot of grieving over the years for what was and what wasn’t. Now, there is a new level of grief…just like when my sister died. Grieving over the finality of things…over what will never be a possibility of happening if she dies.

One of the things that is difficult is that I don’t know who is really calling the shots. Is it him? Is it her? Is it both? He wrote to rail at me and she has been silent…unresponsive to my emails.

I guess what is most frustrating is that it seemed almost as if we were on the verge of a breakthrough of some sort. My last contact with her was on the phone. My father had interrupted the call to let her know that she had to get going for her oncologist appointment. She said that she loved us all and I told her I was glad to hear her say that because it seems like it has always been about our son and that I was being pushed aside. She actually told me then that I was RIGHT! She also said that there was a reason for it and that she REALLY wanted to share it with me. She even repeated herself that she really wanted to talk to me about it. After that…nothing.

I emailed her to tell her to tell when is a good time to call her as I did not want to wake her if she was resting. No response. I have emailed her a few times…just simple things like letting her know that I still love her and reminding her that she said she wanted to talk to me. Nothing. Is dad reading her emails and deleting them? Is she just giving me the silent treatment? Is this just more of the manipulative head games they try to play?

My dad says that the only way they will consider reconnecting (since I left them – HA!) is if I let my mother talk on the phone with our son for as long as she wants without interference. That is very interesting seeing as how she lost phone privileges in the first place due to her telling my hubby that he had no right to correct our son when he was on the phone with her…that she was in charge. And this was after she blatantly did not respect the boundaries we drew for our son.

So, I get to check what a grief group is like and see what I can do with all this stuff. It is important that I face it…not run from it. I sure wish I could talk with a therapist who has experience with cult survivors…a SAFE one! Even if I had the money and transportation, I just don’t know if I am ready to trust that again.

Grief Group…

A therapist I went to for a while is having a free grief group. I am not sure why it is free…perhaps the church it is being held at is paying for it. Or, maybe he is just giving something free out of gratitude for how blessed he has been in his practice. I just know that price is right and I am signed up. He needs a minimum of 5 people and I hope he gets them.

So…why am I going? Because of my mom. There are so many issues I am facing surrounding her death. I may not even be told that she when she dies…although I think my father probably would tell me by throwing it in my face. Actually, I can see him writing and telling me that I need to call him in order to find out how she is doing. I just cannot believe he won’t pull some kind of power play.

Her death will mean the finality of so many things…a loss of little girl dreams that never really do die. There are so many levels of grief. Grief that I am not being kept up to date. Grief that I will most likely never be able to have a connection with my mother. I can live without it, but I do want it.

On another level, her death will mean a releasing. There will be no more chances to think about or even try for. It will be time to grieve and move on in a different way than I have moved on so far. There is a separation and yet a connection right now. Like it or not, she is my parent. Although I am not holding my breath, I cannot ignore the hope that we will be able to at least talk about some things.

I have thought many times over the years about how I would respond to news of the deaths of either or both of my parents. It is one of those things that I think you just cannot know until it happens. Their deaths will mean the loss of so many possibilities…so many things that could have been. The fact that they were among my abusers does not change that. I have found freedom and I so wish they could, too. I have heard of such things happening and I know that nothing is impossible with G-d.

So, I think it will do me good to be able to voice some of this in a group. At least, I hope it will. I also hope we can afford the gas, but I will just have to trust my heavenly Abba for that just as I do for everything else.

Regarding My Mother…

My sister is dead. My mother is going to die. So is my father. Those are important things for me to keep in mind. I liken my relationship (or lack thereof) with them to my relationship with my ex. So first, I want to talk a little bit about my divorce.

When I came into my first marriage, both of us were very broken…although I do not believe either of us had any idea really just how broken we were. I know I sure did not. I still did not have any clear memories of sexual abuse or ritual abuse, although I did “know” that something was wrong. I I always “felt” that I was somehow different from other folks…I just did not understand it all.

Two very broken people tried to make a marriage. It didn’t work very well. Over the years, we both suffered. We both did things that were unhealthy. I had to learn to make healthy boundaries. It took me a LONG time, but I did finally start making them right about the time my second child was a toddler.

I did it in baby steps so that it would not be noticed for the real boundary drawing had to begin in my heart. It had to begin inside before it could be expressed outwardly. So, I started to say “no” inside and then used little things to move it to the outside…little unnoticed things that slowly built up and gave me strength.

Several years later (about 9), it culminated in my outwardly saying “no” and drawing the biggest boundary I think I had ever set up to that point. I knew there could be some very serious ramifications, but I was “prepared”. Meaning that I was ready to take whatever came…no matter how ugly or painful. I said “no” and it got hairy, resulting in a final separation within the week and, ultimately, in a divorce.

There are three key things here.  One…I did everything I knew to do to make my marriage work. Two…when it all came down, I drew firm boundaries and stuck to them. I stood my ground. Third…my family is generational cult.

I have a lot of reasons to believe that my marriage was cult arranged. That kind of colors everything that happened. I was still “tied” to my parents, but I did not understand it. When we separated, they moved in. Very handy. Thankfully, my parents did not live with me for very long. They moved out of the area about an hour and a half away which gave me a good reason not to see them very often. Several months later, I and boys moved in with some other people and lived with three different families before getting into our own home.

When I separated…which was one of many miracles in my life…I had tried everything I knew to make the marriage work. However, while I drew closer and closer to G-d, he drew further and further from Him. We were going in opposite directions. I was working on my issues. He was…well…let’s just say he was definitely NOT working on his issues and leave it at that. Things were getting worse and worse as I got stronger and stronger until it finally came to a head and G-d told me to set that final boundary.

After we separated, I gave him every opportunity. I was willing to go to counseling. I was willing to wait a year while he dealt with his drug and alcohol issues. At the same time, I would not let him back into the house (not even in a separate bedroom) for that year. I withstood his attempts to “blackmail” me over the support he was voluntarily giving me and exposed his tactic to the courts. Every move he made, I countered. I stood my ground. Anything I gave to him I did of my own choice, not because I felt I had to. I fought for the sake of my children, and I no longer sacrificed myself to him out of a mistaken idea that it would somehow benefit them.

When it was all said and done and the decree came, I stood tall knowing that I had truly done all I could to save that marriage. My conscience was clear. I walked in my integrity. Even though I filed for separation and then divorce, he was the one who chose to walk away by refusing to do anything to save the marriage. He refused counseling. He refused to deal with his multiple addictions. He tried every manipulation tactic in the book, but G-d had brought me to a place of being able to recognize what was happening and to withstand them all.

Now, with my parents, it is similar. When they die, I will know that I tried everything I could, while maintaining healthy boundaries, to give them an opportunity to have some kind of relationship. I don’t need one with them although it would be nice. In fact, I really doubt that anything beyond the surface is even possible short of a HUGE miracle because my father still wants to control me, but he cannot.

I broke free of them about 9 years ago. It was a difficult journey, but just like in my marriage, G-d prepared me. He took me step by step by step, helping me to see the truth and to respond to that truth with boundary drawing. He also blessed me with a good non-cult husband (another miracle) who helped me. I cannot imagine trying to do it without him.

So, yes, I still contact my folks from time to time. I offer them an opportunity to get real on some level…or to at least talk about life in general. Yes, my father sends me BS and tries to give me grief and my mother ignores me after telling me that she really wants to talk to me. That is OK. I know not to take it personally. I am offering them a gift. If they refuse to take it, I will walk tall in my integrity. I will mourn for what could have been, but I will know I did my best and my conscience will remain clear.

I really think the biggest key is motivation. My motivation is one of love for them…in spite of them. It is a love I can only have because Yeshua enables me to have it. I have been forgiven for SO much. I know the darkness of my own heart (and I am sure it is even darker that I can see). How can I not forgive them and love them? They, too, are survivors. All of us are, in one way or another. Some are just more so than others.

Forgiveness and love do NOT mean letting them be ugly with me. It means standing in front of them and responding rather than reacting. I can do that now. I could not do that before. The programming is broken. The chains are gone. I have been set free.

Emailed Mother…

Why? Good question. Perhaps I am simply a permanent optimist? Perhaps I am just always hopeful that something might have changed? Perhaps I am just plain nuts? Or even stupid?

I am not really expecting anything different this time. I am just making sure I am doing what I can do.

I am tired. The email from my father that was not supposed to get to me…the one that was supposed to be blocked…told me the criteria for us having a relationship. They call the shots…not me. Plus…we let them talk without interference with our youngest son and without us listening in. Hubby and I won’t do that. We just can’t.

I would actually be willing to let them talk to him…but only if we listen in. I am not telling them that, of course. I am not that stupid. I know it is all about him and them and not about me. I don’t count. I am unimportant…period. Such is my life. I am deemed worthy by others, but not by them.

Their loss.

I’m Here…

…and I am doing life. Want an update? OK…here goes:

We are much closer to moving into the house.

Our cat has had kittens.

My MIL asked me about my mother.

My wedding anniversary is coming up.

My birthday is coming up…the anniversary of my sister’s death.

Mother’s Day is coming up.

Father’s Day is coming up.

I am being challenged as a parent and as a home educator.

My laptop has been doing goofy things.

I am trying to encourage others while feeling kind of drained myself. I am OK…just feeling tired. I want to hide out for a while. I don’t really want to read or go to forums…yet I do want to know how others are doing. I don’t want to make the effort to connect…yet I want to be connected. I can feel emotional pain in my gut. There are tears in my eyes.

I am feeling kind of non-functional right now…just sitting here listening to worship music and letting myself soak in it. The smallness of our place is felt…but the hope of more space is also there. It is SO close.

There is so much I want to do…to write…yet I feel so lethargic. I want to  curl up in a cozy, soft chair…but we have none. The couch is threadbare and the wires can be felt where the padding has worn out. The cushion on my chair is gone. Hubby’s chair is the best, but it is still not all that great. I long for a long soak in a big bathtub, too…or to just lay all spread out on a bed.

The time is coming…hopefully within a week or two. Now that we have running water, I can start to clean up the place in prep for moving in. But I cannot live in tomorrow. I must live in today…and today…I must be content…or I will drive myself even nuttier than I already am.

Life is actually good. I cannot complain. I have all I need…even if not all I want. I trust the Creator to meet all my needs. If there is something I am not getting…it is because He is working something out in me or in another. I choose to trust Him…no matter what. He has proven Himself to be faithful to me.

So I will keep putting one foot in front of the other. I will keep on moving forward…not letting myself fall back. I will rest when I need to rest. I will cry when I need to cry. I will feel when I need to feel.

Ways of Healing…

In a previous post called Keeping Up With Life…, I wrote the following: Yahweh is good. He kept me alive…kept me going. He did not let me give up. He did not let me take my life. He did not let me go in psych ward. He helped me watch over my children. He strengthened me and helped me to grow. He protected me in SO many ways!

When I wrote that I was concerned that someone might read the part about not going into a psych ward in a way that I did not intend. However, it was one of those days when my brain felt kind of like mush. It seemed better to just leave it alone at the time.

Crystal wrote a comment that I really appreciate:  it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world to have to be in a psych ward you know. God created doctors to care for people. A ward made me feel safe when i was at my worst. I didn’t want to be there either but i don’t regret it.

Crystal makes a good point and I apologize if I left ANYONE thinking that I thought going into a psych ward would be a negative thing. As I wrote back to her: I know MANY people who have been in psych wards. Although some have had nightmare experiences, most of them have been helped tremendously…and even continue to be helped tremendously.

There have been times when I actually wished I COULD have gone in myself…although I started out terrified of the possibility. I truly believe that, in my situation, it would have had a negative impact on my children. There are a lot of ins and outs involved, but the upshot is that I think it would have been used against me when I had to separate from my husband…that I could have lost my children to their very messed up father.

And there are my parents. My mother once told me that she actually considered trying to have my children taken away from me. I think a hospital stay would have worked in her favor. Not only that, but in all the difficulties I have had with them it would have been constantly thrown in my face as a reason for not taking me seriously…which is very sad. Truth is…just because someone has been in a psych ward does NOT make them any less than anyone else. Sadly, though, there ARE those who believe that.

So, although it has worked out well for others…I don’t think it would have for me.

Keeping Up With Life…

We have run into obstacle after obstacle in trying to get the house to a livable condition. Yet, every time something comes up Yahweh supplies the answer. The provision comes. The fix comes. The help comes. Sometimes from the most unexpected places.

Life happens and G-d provides. I just keep walking through it. Some days are fairly smooth for me. Some days…like right now…I feel as if I can hardly even concentrate enough to write this post. Yet…I just keep plugging along. In fact, that is how I have gotten through many years of my life…just persistent plugging along…taking it one day at a time…and even one breath at a time.

Yahweh is good. He kept me alive…kept me going. He did not let me give up. He did not let me take my life. He did not let me go in psych ward. He helped me watch over my children. He strengthened me and helped me to grow. He protected me in SO many ways!

Why? Why did He do that? Is it because I am someone special? I really don’t think so…certainly no more than anyone else. Maybe it is because I so much weaker than many others. Perhaps I would not have survived a psych ward…or a suicide attempt. I know others have gone through things that I really do not think I would have made it through.

Or…perhaps my children would not have survived if I was not there on some level for them. I don’t know. I do know, though, that my children were a very strong motivation for me to stick around. I wanted to protect them in any way I could.

I can speculate all I want as to why I have had to experience some really bad things…and yet been delivered/protected from others. I only know that He is faithful…faithful to get me through it and faithful to bless me in it. There are those moments in time when He touched me so deeply that I thought I could barely survive that! From darkness to glory He has been there for me and with me. He is why I live and breathe.

So…now I am trying to keep up with life. That means not keeping up with everything I would like to…but that is OK. It is not that some things and people are less important…it is simply a lack of time and energy.

I am becoming stronger and finding ways to find some more balance in my life. Right now…I am still juggling some things. I am learning to be true to who I am created to be…learning to figure out what to juggle and what to simply let go of. I don’t know about others…but that is no easy task for me. It can be downright challenging.

All of my life, I was to subordinate to others…to put their needs first. Even after all these years…I am STILL learning how to pick and choose when to put myself first. I am also still learning when those times are. I do not want to be selfish…always putting me first. I just want to take good care of myself. It is better to do a few things well than to do many things shoddily.

 

Processing Through Artwork…

The latest pieces I have been putting up have to do with a therapist I worked with for a short time online. I had met him in person, but later, when I started to actually work with him a bit, he was different from what I remembered. I am grateful that he did give me back one thing…my art.

Because of my living situation…a situation that still exists, I was not able to do art. He told me about doing collages in MSWord. I am SO grateful for that. However, then what happened between him and I devastated my system and kind of messed us up. This latest batch of art reflects that.

In addition, I had been accessed by my local therapist and that was just starting to come out…another factor in things. That accessing is reflected in the some of the other pieces I recently put up…the ones tagged RM. Of the three therapists with whom I had negative experiences…thankfully, only one was actually my therapist. One I knew from her forum, KB. One I worked with a bit online and on the phone, JM. One was in person local, RM. I had left KB’s forum in ‘o5. I had met JM in person in ’05. I saw RM in the last quarter of ’06…during which time I dissociated his accessing me. Then I worked with JM a bit online and by phone in ’07…during which time the memories of the accessing started to surface.

It took another local therapist…one with no SRA client experience to help me work through the accessing and to break the hold JM had on me. I kept trying to break it off with JM, but every email he sent to me had a hook in it that I felt I had to reply to. Kind of like KB. I tried to work things out with her, but she was really good with the hooks.

So, the latest pieces are processing RM and JM. RM is cult. JM…well, let’s just say that there are some inside who believed at the time that he most likely was. Either that or he just got one heck of an ego thing going and it affected his ability to really hear people. I don’t know.

I really miss meeting with a therapist, but unless I could get back to my CA therapist, I don’t know that I could trust an SRA client experienced one again. Someone I really trust would have to recommend him/her…preferably her. And it would have to be a follower of Yeshua/Jesus…not a religious person…but a real disciple…even though two of these three therapists were “Christian” and the third said she went to church.

In the meantime, I have what my CA therapist used to call my “real therapist”…the Holy Spirit. He has guided me in many ways in my healing…and He still does.