It Would Be Nice If…

It would be nice if we were in the world to come and tears would no longer be flowing…or at least not tears of sorrow. I don’t mind tears of joy, but I am tired of tears for seemingly no reason…or tears of grief. My heart is so heavy and I am not completely sure why.

It could be the inhumanity to humankind that I see people perpetrating against one another.

It could be the hateful words I see being thrown around.

It could be the news of my mother followed by a sense of betrayal and being used by someone with whom I thought I was building a friendship.

It could be a bunch of things. I just know that I am deeply grieving and hurting.

Curve Balls in Life…

Life is full of surprises. Just when I think I am on a somewhat even keel…something happens to remind me that my “even keel” is, at times, rather precarious. Want an example? I could give many, but I will give one from tonight.

I am still working through my mother’s death and all the weirdness surrounding it and my whole life. Still being partially amnesic adds an interesting element to the mix.  I was not close to my mother, so her death does not hold the sting of losing something I had. Rather, it is about losing the opportunity to ever have it…in this life. I will never be close to her. There will never be reconciliation…in this life. We won’t hug…

I thought I was doing pretty much OK…getting back to some kind of even keel…when I saw a movie scene tonight that triggered a crying jag. Yeah…I am still affected by it. Can’t really help that. It was of a mother and son reconciling. I had seen this movie several times before, but this is the first time since word of her death.

(OK…gonna ramble a bit here.)

And speaking of her death…not only did my father not notify us, he did not notify anyone in her family either. The only obituary I could find did not list any next of kin…not even my father…who is already remarried. I wish I could find a wedding date, but the state they live in holds those kinds of record private. Only one year and 3 months ago she died and he is remarried. Like father like son? Family legacy? I don’t know. What can you say about generational abuse? It keeps on passing down. I am doing my darndest to make sure it stops in my generation. I really don’t know how successful I was at that. Perhaps that is one of the blessings of amnesia.

Anyway…just needed to get some thoughts out here tonight. I am still processing. I will be for a long time. And I am working on forgiveness. I refuse to lock myself in a prison of the heart by holding a grudge. Just not going there. I choose to walk in freedom and my heavenly Abba helps me to do that. I sure could not do it on my own. Nope. No way.

Living Life in the Face of Nastiness…

There are people in life who are simply nasty. They are mean, disrespectful and really don’t care how what they do affects others. When confronted with such people, we have choices to make. We can either react to them, wherein we lose ourselves by allowing them to control our lives and determine how we will live. Or, we can respond to them, wherein we maintain our own autonomy and integrity and choose how we shall live. I prefer the latter. That is my choice.

When I am confronted by nasty negative people I choose to remember that I, too, have had my “moments” of being nasty or ugly. It may not have been intentional. I may not have even been aware of how I was coming across. Or, I may have realized it as it was happening, but did not know how to “fix” it. Or maybe there was no fix…the damage was already done. Any way you look at it, I have had a negative impact on others at times in my life. So, I believe it is worthwhile to remain humble toward others, recognizing that I am certainly not perfect, either!

I also try to remember that everyone is the way they are for a reason. For good or bad, we have all had negative and positive experiences in life that have helped to shape us into what we are today. Sometimes, the balance between positive and negative was fairly even overall. But for some of us, one heavily outweighed the other.

For those whose positive experiences heavily outweighed the negative it can be difficult to understand those of who whose lives were the opposite. We may fumble where they do not. We may react to things that do not faze them one bit. I think it is good when each person can believe another’s story and try to imagine living in that reality. It can help us to be more empathetic toward others.

For those of us who weigh heavily on the negative, and some even in the extreme, it can be difficult to imagine life without that. We see the way others live and struggle to comprehend how they can do that. It just isn’t even on our radar.

Thankfully, though, there can be some good experiences even in the midst of craziness and evil, that give us some positive skills for life. For me, knowing my Creator made a HUGE difference. It is part of what helped to shape me and, I think, to temper how the abuse affected me.

I still deal with the physical effects of trauma brain and I can still experience flashbacks that are part of PTSD and getting  triggered.  However, I have learned over the years how to cope and work around the aftereffects. I know what I can do and what I cannot do and I no longer feel guilt or shame over what I cannot do…even when others do not understand. It is frustrating at times when people look less favorably upon me for what I cannot do. They cannot comprehend how even the simplest of things can be overwhelming at times. But I have learned to live with that and simply accept that there are things they simply do not know and, even if they did, might not be able to understand.

Life is good…even when it is hard. I am OK with that. My heavenly Abba/Father/true Daddy walks with me. So does my Messiah…Yeshua. Their Ruach/Spirit lives within me and that strengthens and comforts me…especially when life is hard.

I refuse to give up. I refuse to hold grudges. I refuse to not forgive. I choose to walk in freedom with my head held high…even when I am shaking inside.

Grieving the Finality of What Will Never Be…

I found out yesterday that my mother passed away on December 24, 2010. Yep…that is 1 year, 2 months and 14 days, plus or minus. And he is already remarried…I have NO idea for how long.

We permitted our son to call my mother…it’s a long story. When he asked about his grandmother, my father told him that she had died two years ago on a date my son did not remember. I got the actual date by calling the coroner’s office. They were able to confirm the date of her death and the cause…melanoma. I was told that she had been in hospice care, which was why her death was reported to them. It is a law in that state to report all deaths of people in hospice care.

Over the years I have grieved for what was and grieved for what wasn’t. And now, I need to grieve for what for sure will never be. There will never be reconciliation. Never be recognition. Never be an apology or forgiveness extended. Never be so many things.

I have a lot to think about…and a lot to feel. It can be difficult not to second-guess myself, but there are things I need to face in order to settle things in my own mind and heart. I was told she was dying, but not that she was in hospice care or that it was imminent. My father just kept playing games and, I believe, actually kept us apart…especially given what she said in the one time I did talk to her…a call that was interrupted by my father.

Things are a bit complicated and I am having to sort them all out. I need to own whatever is mine and refuse to take on whatever is not. I will not try to pick up another’s guilt. It is simply not mine to carry. Nor is it for me to run from my responsibilities. I went into this with eyes wide open. I knew the risks. I took the chance. Now it is over. Now I will process from a different place…on the other side of her death.

It is sad when someone lies so much that even when they tell the truth it is not the whole story and you don’t really know what you can believe. There are so many what ifs that I could run through. And taking a look is not a bad idea…but living there is. I must face what I must face and trust my heavenly Abba to walk me through to the other side. He has never let me down.

Stability?

My family is probably in what most would call a very unstable situation. While our living quarters are much improved…albeit unfinished…we have zero income. Well, let me clarify that. Unemployment has run out and there is still no real job offer. Scary, right?

Actually, it is not. We are seeing G-d move in amazing ways. Our bills are paid. We have plenty of food. Odd jobs are coming our way. The wood stove is in and we have free wood for the winter…which is much milder than we expected. Life is actually good.

There are things I do struggle with, however. Our house is very chaotic and cluttered (due in large part to being unfinished and having no real outside storage at the moment) and I don’t do real well with that.  It is hard to find and keep track of things. Cleaning is a real challenge so there is a lot of dust and an untidy appearance. I have to constantly be aware of my surroundings to make sure I do not trip or bump into things. In a sense, I think it is not too dissimilar to the hyper-awareness that comes with PTSD. Regardless of the cause…it is a mental energy drain.

With hubby being unemployed, that means that this introvert has one more person’s presence I am always aware of. And yes, even just the awareness can be a bit of a mental drain, even if he is not interrupting me a lot like my son does. Like his father, he is in an extrovert so I am outnumbered here. It is difficult to get anything done…like writing here, for example! Trying to have a routine or schedule is pretty much impossible…or at least one that is very structured.

There are some things I can do to help achieve more stability in this environment. The first one, of course, is to really focus on my Creator. The closer I draw to Yeshua/Jesus…to YHWH of the bible, the better I handle the curve balls that life keeps throwing at my family. The more time I spend just interfacing with G-d and reading/studying His words, the better I do life.

Another thing that helps is to remember what works best for me…what I most need. As an introvert, I need time alone…time to just be quiet and “be”. I rarely have that so I really need to make ways to get it. Sometimes that means telling my family “no” and why. They are actually understanding and supportive if I just remind them of what I need as an introvert! I rarely even need to bring up that I am a survivor.

Because I am busy, I need to be very selective about how I spend my time. I try not to focus on things that are not going to help me grow and reach my goals. I try to focus on positive and uplifting things rather than ones that are either negative or  just frivolous. When I need to laugh, I focus on something humorous. If I need uplifting, I focus on something that is encouraging. What I focus on makes a difference in how I do life. Whether it is something to read, hear or watch I am learning to ask myself if it is really helpful or just a time waster. That is not to say that there aren’t times when I need to just do something a bit frivolous for my state of mind, but if it becomes a habit I know I am probably just avoiding something.

Which brings up another thing that helps…keeping short accounts and facing things head on. It takes more energy to avoid facing painful things that I need to work on than it does to simply work on them so that I can move on! It also takes more energy to stay angry at someone or to be fretting about how I have hurt someone than it does to let it go or go work things out with the person.

I have also learned to move within my limitations. I know…a lot of people see limitations as a negative thing. Well, I don’t. If I acknowledge realistic limitations and boundaries it enables me to move about more freely inside of them. Otherwise, I will stretch myself too thing trying to do too many things. I will be constantly drained and I won’t do any of them very well. I prefer to rotate my focus. I have several blogs and I take turns writing in them. I have Facebook and I slip that in, although I am trying to spend a lot less time there because I believe it can be a very frivolous thing if I am not carefully guarding my time there. I like to cook and organize my house and do assorted other things, but I cannot do them all at once. I have to take turns and there are some things I simply have to put on “hold” for the time being…like my poetry writing (or even getting what I already have written up on that blog).

I would rather do less and live in peace than try to do it all and constantly feel chaos within me. The world can get along without me, but I do hope that I can brighten at least my corner of it once in a while. I don’t want to be too busy to do that!

Well, I hope today’s ramblings will help someone. I know that writing things out helps me. It reminds of what is important and it helps me to get my thoughts in order and clarify things for myself! That helps me to overcome the chaos and clutter around me!

When Sadness Comes…

It is always amazing to me that I will be doing seemingly well…and then the sadness hits. I’m not sure of the cause, although I can certainly think of things that could cause it.

Life is neither good or bad…it just is. Good things happen. Bad things happen…and a whole lot in between. What makes the biggest difference in my life is how I choose to respond to it.

Will I allow the attacks of my spiritual enemy to bring me down? Or will I recognize the temporariness of the attacks and the inevitable end of my adversary?

Will I allow the bad behavior of others to overtake me? Or, will I rise above it…recognizing that the other person is a wounded soul…like me?

Will I allow the losses of people I care about overwhelm me with grief? Or will I recognize that they had every opportunity to choose YHWH? Will I walk in the hope of seeing them again?

Will I allow the suffering that the human race brings upon itself through its disobedience to YHWH’s ways cause me to despair? Or, will I look forward to that time when all suffering (and rebellion) will be gone?

As I sit in my feelings of sadness, pondering life, my heart turns toward my Abba. His love is a comfort to me…His heart touches mine in ways like no one else’s does. It is especially in times of sadness that I am more aware of YHWH’s arms around me…more aware of my future destiny with Him. This world is not my home.

One of the results of my life experiences is that I often don’t feel comfortable socially. I don’t really feel as if I fit in much of anywhere…and, yes, sad to say…that even includes gatherings or groups of “Christians”. But I know there is more to it than that. It is also part of knowing that this is not really my home. This world is very fallen and I just don’t belong here. It is my calling and my purpose to remain here for a while longer…yes. But ultimately…I am going to be with Yeshua forever.

That is my real home. That is where I will feel the most comfortable and where I will most fit in. That is where I will be completely healed and will no longer struggle.

I look forward to it.

Regarding My Mother…

My sister is dead. My mother is going to die. So is my father. Those are important things for me to keep in mind. I liken my relationship (or lack thereof) with them to my relationship with my ex. So first, I want to talk a little bit about my divorce.

When I came into my first marriage, both of us were very broken…although I do not believe either of us had any idea really just how broken we were. I know I sure did not. I still did not have any clear memories of sexual abuse or ritual abuse, although I did “know” that something was wrong. I I always “felt” that I was somehow different from other folks…I just did not understand it all.

Two very broken people tried to make a marriage. It didn’t work very well. Over the years, we both suffered. We both did things that were unhealthy. I had to learn to make healthy boundaries. It took me a LONG time, but I did finally start making them right about the time my second child was a toddler.

I did it in baby steps so that it would not be noticed for the real boundary drawing had to begin in my heart. It had to begin inside before it could be expressed outwardly. So, I started to say “no” inside and then used little things to move it to the outside…little unnoticed things that slowly built up and gave me strength.

Several years later (about 9), it culminated in my outwardly saying “no” and drawing the biggest boundary I think I had ever set up to that point. I knew there could be some very serious ramifications, but I was “prepared”. Meaning that I was ready to take whatever came…no matter how ugly or painful. I said “no” and it got hairy, resulting in a final separation within the week and, ultimately, in a divorce.

There are three key things here.  One…I did everything I knew to do to make my marriage work. Two…when it all came down, I drew firm boundaries and stuck to them. I stood my ground. Third…my family is generational cult.

I have a lot of reasons to believe that my marriage was cult arranged. That kind of colors everything that happened. I was still “tied” to my parents, but I did not understand it. When we separated, they moved in. Very handy. Thankfully, my parents did not live with me for very long. They moved out of the area about an hour and a half away which gave me a good reason not to see them very often. Several months later, I and boys moved in with some other people and lived with three different families before getting into our own home.

When I separated…which was one of many miracles in my life…I had tried everything I knew to make the marriage work. However, while I drew closer and closer to G-d, he drew further and further from Him. We were going in opposite directions. I was working on my issues. He was…well…let’s just say he was definitely NOT working on his issues and leave it at that. Things were getting worse and worse as I got stronger and stronger until it finally came to a head and G-d told me to set that final boundary.

After we separated, I gave him every opportunity. I was willing to go to counseling. I was willing to wait a year while he dealt with his drug and alcohol issues. At the same time, I would not let him back into the house (not even in a separate bedroom) for that year. I withstood his attempts to “blackmail” me over the support he was voluntarily giving me and exposed his tactic to the courts. Every move he made, I countered. I stood my ground. Anything I gave to him I did of my own choice, not because I felt I had to. I fought for the sake of my children, and I no longer sacrificed myself to him out of a mistaken idea that it would somehow benefit them.

When it was all said and done and the decree came, I stood tall knowing that I had truly done all I could to save that marriage. My conscience was clear. I walked in my integrity. Even though I filed for separation and then divorce, he was the one who chose to walk away by refusing to do anything to save the marriage. He refused counseling. He refused to deal with his multiple addictions. He tried every manipulation tactic in the book, but G-d had brought me to a place of being able to recognize what was happening and to withstand them all.

Now, with my parents, it is similar. When they die, I will know that I tried everything I could, while maintaining healthy boundaries, to give them an opportunity to have some kind of relationship. I don’t need one with them although it would be nice. In fact, I really doubt that anything beyond the surface is even possible short of a HUGE miracle because my father still wants to control me, but he cannot.

I broke free of them about 9 years ago. It was a difficult journey, but just like in my marriage, G-d prepared me. He took me step by step by step, helping me to see the truth and to respond to that truth with boundary drawing. He also blessed me with a good non-cult husband (another miracle) who helped me. I cannot imagine trying to do it without him.

So, yes, I still contact my folks from time to time. I offer them an opportunity to get real on some level…or to at least talk about life in general. Yes, my father sends me BS and tries to give me grief and my mother ignores me after telling me that she really wants to talk to me. That is OK. I know not to take it personally. I am offering them a gift. If they refuse to take it, I will walk tall in my integrity. I will mourn for what could have been, but I will know I did my best and my conscience will remain clear.

I really think the biggest key is motivation. My motivation is one of love for them…in spite of them. It is a love I can only have because Yeshua enables me to have it. I have been forgiven for SO much. I know the darkness of my own heart (and I am sure it is even darker that I can see). How can I not forgive them and love them? They, too, are survivors. All of us are, in one way or another. Some are just more so than others.

Forgiveness and love do NOT mean letting them be ugly with me. It means standing in front of them and responding rather than reacting. I can do that now. I could not do that before. The programming is broken. The chains are gone. I have been set free.

Art, Art, Art…and Tears…

I have been adding more of my art to my art blog.

In between, I was listening to a teaching by a pastor acquaintance of mine named Glen. As usual, it brought tears to my eyes. He and another leader (Jim) are some of the few people I know who really seem to love unconditionally. Actually, I think all the leaders there do.

Glen and Jim accept DID and one of them had even interacted with a multiple prior to meeting me. They are not experts or anything, but they care and they love. Jim has really helped me a lot. I met them both at an online seminar given by Christian in Recovery. If we lived in Phoenix, we would be attending their congregation in a heartbeat.

I have also had the privilege of helping to proofread/edit a book Glen and Jim co-wrote. They have amazing insights into the word of G-d and how things are supposed to be, but tend to not be. Their congregation is set up like no other I know of. It is not your traditional meeting. So, when I listen, I tend to cry because I wish I was able to be there…to be a part of what they are doing. Every time I hear one of their teachings I am reminded of the body ministry that is so lacking in most of our “church” experiences.

I am probably rambling right now. I am not up to trying to write a “polished” post. This is a time of struggle. Things are pressing in upon me and I am tired. I keep looking forward to getting out of this tiny place. I want to have the freedom to go to bed when I please and get up when I please. I want to be laying where the heater is not blowing directly upon me…causing me to wake up at night because it keeps sticking on. I want to be able to get up and get my body moving without needing to be concerned about someone “camping” in the only bathroom we have. I want a lot of things and I try not to be ungrateful for what we have. After all, we could be on the street.

We just went through a couple of days of having on and off water. We had a leak, then a broken pipe and then the water hose froze. Things are breaking down in here and not all of them are simple to fix. We need to get out of here…soon. We are hoping by the end of the month, but I don’t know.

I could write more, but it would probably sound like a whine party. All I need is some cheese and bread to go with it. (That was a lousy attempt at humor.) I have to say that, if I did not know who I am in the Creator, I would give up. Quite frankly, He is the reason I am alive. He is the reason I have any sanity left at all…although some may question whether or not I really have some. Oh, well. Such is life, right?

I wish everyone well. Keep your head and heart up. There are better things to come…even if it does not seem like it right now.

Still Here…and Freedom Run Ministries…

I haven’t completely dropped off the face of the earth! It only feels like it at times. I have been sick. Ugh! And my laptop is sick. Even after getting it back from the repair depot it STILL is not working right. Now I cannot even upload anything. Thankfully, I uploaded almost all of my art pieces for my art blog before I sent it in the first time. I just need to write the posts and get them published.

Still…this is annoying. I am very grateful for the gift of this laptop, but I simply cannot recommend Lenovo. They keep saying it is software. Well, if it is…it has to be THEIR software! They have already replaced the wi-fi card and then sent it back with some of my keyboard keys not working. Anyway, there is a whole lot more to this story, but I won’t bore anyone with the details. Suffice it to say, another shipping box comes tomorrow.

Being sick has one advantage. It gets my mind off of my parents…at least once the crazy thought cycling that tends to happen when I am sick calms down. I feel as if I have better clarity right now. I wrote my father and asked if he and my mother are OK. Mentioning that she was not responding to my emails, I wrote that I hope she is alright.

Now…I am done. Unless, of course, he responds. In that case, whether or not I am done will depend upon his response. For now, I am pushing them into the background of my thoughts and mind…and, possibly, right out the back door.

I believe in honoring my parents to the best of my ability. In this case, honoring them may mean leaving them alone. It did before. Maybe it is again. Someday…if we ever get into the house…I will probably do some artwork on this…and allow myself to feel grief. Right now…I cannot. I still feel too crummy to focus on anything very deep. And that is OK!

Life can have some very interesting turns. It is never boring. I meet new people…make new connections. I found a new resource called Freedom Run Ministries. You will find links in my sidebar. So many people do not want to focus on the spiritual side of Ritual Abuse. They do not believe there are any dark spirit entities that can play a role in the affairs of humans. When you do not know your enemy…you are in double danger. I hope you will check out their site. They are in the process of putting together lists of resources for survivors. They are doing their best to keep the list to safe resources. But, as I have learned in life, safety is something we are all responsible for. No one can know for sure that a person or place is 100% safe. And sometimes…people and places change.

It’s Time…to Write…

I need to write. It is time…perhaps even past time. I am fighting tears right now and, I must confess, not doing a very good job of it.

Maybe it is the time of year. Maybe it has to do with my parents (I know there is anger under the surface with that one). Maybe it is what feels like a tenuousness in my living situation (even though I am seeing Yahweh do amazing things). Maybe it is being in contact with a cousin (mother’s side) for the first time in many, many years (we never lived close so I have only met her a few times). Maybe it is my expectation of what may be to come…system wise…when we do finally move into the house (which will be unfinished inside). Maybe it is my age and/or the way this living situation has taken its toll on my health. Maybe it is something I don’t even know about…something that is buried deep inside and whirling around.

I see things I want to do…but cannot. My situation and time, along with my state of emotional/mental health holds me back. I want to contribute in ways that I am simply unable to. I want to keep up with my online friends…and cannot. And all of these things are OK…I know (in my head) that they are. But I struggle in my heart. My online friends…in all of their various places…mean a lot to me. They are a form of support that is precious to me. Yet…as beautiful and precious as they are…they are not enough. They, too, are human and facing challenges of their own. They are not able to always be available…which leads me to the next thing I need to write about.

There is something that has been happening in my spirit over a long time. But lately, well, the only way I know to describe it is that it is almost like a surge. It is as if my heart connection with Yahweh has surged forward. I have been facing some challenges…which I have really tried my best to deal with. Those challenges…like challenges often do…have pushed me toward Him even more. I need His wisdom and His guidance, but mostly…I need to rest in His love.

It seems that my faith gets stretched and my spiritual maturity grows through that. And then it seems like I hit the wall. I am utterly helpless and I find it necessary to fall back upon the childlike aspect of my faith. Yeshua said that we should trust like children do. And so that is what I do…I just fall into His love and trust Him for the things I simply cannot do…or even see.

So I rest in Him, trusting Him and drawing even closer to Him. The strength, maturity and depth from the stretching I went through settles in while He is preparing me for the next stretching session. I stretch. I grow. I rest. Stretch. Grow. Rest. A cycle that is as old as time and yet very much in the present and will continue to be right there in the midst of my future. One long strand tying past to present to future.

There are things in that “maybe” paragraph that I think I need to write about…but I think I will separate them out into different posts.

What’s Ahead…

I feel a bit emotional. My guys are gone for a bit and I am finishing up things here to get ready to go. I suspect that the tears that are now surfacing may be a harbinger of what is ahead.

I have so much bottled up inside. For the last several years I have had precious little freedom to allow things to surface. Now I am anticipating almost three full days of real solitude. I will have the freedom of space to allow things out. The question is…will I be able to? I have had to stifle what I feel inside for sooooo long…will I be able to break free from that and let things out? Let myself out? Habits can be difficult to break.

I like what Meredith wrote in her comment…about having time to “expand” for a few days.  I can take that more than one way. Of course, there is the physical expansion…but that is not how I read it. I read as me expanding. I can expand myself…as in system freedom. I don’t know which way she meant it, but that was my first thought when I read it. The freedom to expand myself.

What will that look like? Who knows? But however it happens…whether physical, emotional, alterwise, etc….I am confident that it will be good. It may also be very hard. Very challenging.

I am thinking ahead. One thing keeps coming back. Make sure all the doors are locked. Have a plan. I guess it is just my nature. I am so glad that I will not ever be truly alone. I was gifted with someone seeing the four huge angels sent to protect me. Whether they stay with me or not…I know that my heavenly Abba will send them any time I need them.

I feel pressed in. So much to do. But, for these three days, I am not going to focus on all of that. I am doing my best to be as ready as possible…so that I can let go of everything else during that time. The world will survive without me. My family will survive without me.

Questions and a Log House

I am going away tomorrow. I am getting nervous. I will be alone…in a rural area. Granted…just down the drive…right before the street…is a family I know. (The two properties are connected in more ways than one.) And the woman who lives with her family in that house knows I am a survivor…but she doesn’t understand what all that means.

I am nervous. I will be away from what is familiar in an unfamiliar place. Yes…I have been there before and have even helped in some of the finishing of the logs and such. BUT…it is not “home”. I am not that familiar. The root of familiar is the same as the root for family. We live with our families. We know our families. We live in our homes. We are familiar with our homes.

Even though I am not really “comfortable” in my little RV…I am comfortable. I know…that sounds contradictory…but familiarity is comforting. That is why children of alcoholics and dysfunctional parents oftentimes end up marrying spouse who are similar…even when they swear they won’t. Their spouses may manifest their dysfunction in some different way…but it is still there.

I am a cult survivor. Alone in a rural area has not exactly turned me on. Then again…sometimes I just have to adjust…and continue to trust the Creator. Yeshua has protected me in so many ways and my location is not a hindrance to Him one bit.

I have my list of things to make sure I bring. I hope I have not left anything off. The most important things, of course, are my laptop and my art pieces. That is why I am going there. But I know it won’t be the sum total of what I do there. I don’t want to be “busy”. I want to just “be”…to rest with no demands…no interruptions…whether that resting be reading, praying, napping, just sitting…whatever.

All alone in a log house…a large log house. Talk about ambiance. I should get some pictures of that, too.  I know they want some, but I am not sure what they want. I’ll try to remember to ask before they leave.

I will be bringing my comfort foods and the things I want to eat. I not only do not want to put them out for food (I am staying for free), but it is also nice to know what to expect. I don’t want to have to wonder where the boundaries are…so I am bringing my own. It is easier for me that way.

Earlier today…I started to sense hurt inside again. Could it be that my system is looking ahead to having the privacy to feel pain and express pain? No holds barred? It’s certainly possible.

I leave tomorrow evening. It is time to go to bed. I might get a little bit of reading time in. It depends on how long it takes hubby to get to bed.

Good night, everyone!

I hope I don’t forget anything.

What’s Going On…

I am not sure what I am feeling. Physically…I feel so-so. I am always a bit up and down when it comes to physical stuff. Mentally…not doing too badly. This is not one of my “space cadet” days. Emotionally…hmmm…how do I describe it? It is almost as if there is an emotion…some kind of feeling…just beneath the surface. I catch glimpses of it now and then, but it is not strong enough to identify it. So, I am left unsure of what I am feeling.

Then it comes on stronger…but not any clearer. It is very frustrating. Same old thing…emotional flashbacks. Or…it could also simply be something inside that needs to come out but my living situation just does not allow for that. I picked up a cloth doll that I need to pack outside because there is just no room in here. Oh, the feeling I felt when I just sat there holding it. It has been sooooooo long. The younger parts of my being need an outlet. I typically curtail them. They want to express and I feel I must say “no”. Sometimes that is VERY hard. It is like they surge forward and I have to fight and explain to them that others would not understand…that it is not safe. Oh, the longing I sometimes feel from them. *sigh*

I hate it when I feel antsy…especially when I am either unsure what to do about it…or don’t have good access to what I need to do about it.  I really need to get to a private place…speaking of which I am so excited about next week. I get to go spend three days all alone in a big log house. Some friends are going away and I am going to spend the time just “being” and going through my art work so I can take photos for the upcoming webinar I am going to do. I have been packing and paying attention to what I need to bring.

The main focus, of course, is going through my art for the webinar. They have huge rooms with lots of floor space. I will actually be able to lay all my art pieces out and see them all so that I can organize them and sort them. They also have some rooms with good outside light coming through the windows. I am hoping to get some good photos that way without having to use flash. We’ll see how they turn out.

My date got changed from August to July, so I really need to get working on it. I do already have a list started of what I want to cover in the webinar. I don’t think it will really take me that long to finish it once I get the art pieces organized and photographed.

Other good news is that progress is being made on a place for us to move to. It will probably be several more months…although I keep hoping it will be sooner. I have made it through this so far, but it has been really hard. It is my hope to get into a bigger place and be able to work more on areas of healing that I am unable to do now. I look forward to doing more healing art…to writing more poetry. I am hoping that the guitars and keyboard are not ruined being in a shipping box in this weather for 4 1/2 years.

I am looking forward to getting back into shape. This living situation has taken its toll on my health, my weight and my overall fitness.

I am looking forward to being able to organize things and find things. I am looking forward to not being paralyzed by being surrounded and closed in upon.

I am looking forward to having PRIVACY!!!!!! To having doors I can shut and be ALONE!!!!! Yes!!!!

I am doing OK overall, although it does not always feel that way. I really have to take things one day at a time. I struggle at times with not living in my head in order to escape the reality of my living situation. That is especially the case when things are tougher…like when I am sick…as I was recently.

I will get through this. I have made it this far. I will make it to the end. I know my heavenly Abba has His plan…His purpose…His timing…for all things. I trust Him.

Blogrolls…

No…not dinner rolls…or the boat rolls…or waves roll…or any other kind of roll. Blog rolls. Every once in a while, I find that I am on someone’s blog roll. It never ceases to surprise me and amaze me. Each time, I think “what on earth do they find in my writings that make them worthy of being put on someone’s blog roll?”

Or I look at my subscriber list. Now…it does not show me who is subscribing. It is just a number. But that number represents real people who think my blog…or a particular post…is worth reading. Again…whenever I happen to look at that part of my stats…I am amazed. Moi? People think moi has something useful to say? Why? It makes me stop and think about why I write.

When I first started blogging, I was sick of the forum scene…not that all forums are bad…they are NOT! In fact, I have experienced some incredible healing in forums. Yet I have also experienced some of the deepest wounding. Plus, forums are limited in their readership. I wanted to be able to share with more people…and, hopefully, get more input. So, I decided to start blogging!

It was my hope…and still is…that when people read here, they find someone who understands…who “gets it”. Someone whose life experiences might not be identical (is anyone’s ever really anyway?)…but someone whose experiences emotionally, and maybe even mentally, are similar.

I hope that you can see someone who keeps on fighting…who keeps on pushing through…even when she wants to give up (like now…but that is another post). I hope that, as I share what works for me…and what does not…it might help you find something that works for you. Or maybe it will help you to not feel so badly if it is not working for you. After all…if it did not work for me either…then just maybe…it is not us. Maybe it is the whatever it is that we were trying that did not work. Or maybe…we just need to work it in a different way and we can help each other to find that way.

I hope that we can learn together. When people comment and share their thoughts, it stimulates dialog. I learn from dialog. I learn from others…which is why I read others’ blogs, too…when I can get to them. My life often makes that difficult, but I do make the rounds when I can. And I always try to find something to comment about in others’ blogs. I do that for two reasons. One is to let them know that they are being read. The other is to affirm them…to encourage them. I know what it is like to write and wonder if anyone is reading…if anyone is “listening”. I know what it is like to share struggles and get…nothing.

So…here I am…amazed again. I just discovered my blog in a blogroll at Crazy-making. I almost have to laugh. The name can sure fit my life at times! Crazy-making. I am working on making it less crazy-making. *smile* I am honored to be included. This blogger is trying to make lists of client bloggers (as opposed to therapist bloggers) and also art bloggers. Very interesting!

It reminds me that I have been wanting to get some of my art work up here…even though I am really not an artist. The focus of my art work is therapy. Believe me…artistry is NOT my talent. My difficulty in getting them up, though, is getting some decent photos of them. I took some  a while back…but I only got some pieces and the quality of the photos is rather poor. I have a much better camera now. It has been a project on my to do list for some time to go some place where I know I can probably get better pics of them. Better lighting. More room.  I need to get that done in plenty of time for me to put something together for an upcoming webinar I am doing on art therapy from a non-artist’s perspective.

Well…that’s it for now. I have lots to do today so I am not sure when I will get back here. It may not be until tomorrow. I hope that everyone reading is doing well. If you are struggling…remember that you are NOT alone! There ARE those who do understand…who do get it…and who do care. Be good to yourself. Also remember that there is a Creator out there who does want to touch your life…who wants to set you free.

Poem and Filing a Complaint

I wrote this in November, 2009. At the time, I was seriously working on a complaint against KB…the unethical therapist I wrote about previously in my blog. I ended up putting the complaint aside…not because I did not think I could win. Actually, I probably could. I have the benefit that she was not actually my therapist…having had only one phone call with her. Most of my interaction was through her online forum with a few emails. She did things that are easier to prove than if I were actually a client.

No…I pulled back because I figured it was not worth it. At first, I drove myself because I knew others were filing against her. I felt that I had to do this to help keep her from hurting others. I was told that Ross, too, had filed against her on behalf of some of her former clients. Again…I pushed myself, figuring that I would add my voice…you know…weight in numbers.

Then I got to thinking about it. I was paying a price in trying to write it up. It had to be done carefully. I am a very busy person with enough of my own stuff on my plate. As survivors, we each have to learn to protect ourselves. I cannot be a protector for others. I can support them. I can point out what to watch for…which is why I wrote the article on internet safety for Many Voices. The longer version is on my blog starting here.

I want to help others find ways to stay safe…even from unscrupulous therapists…through my blog…through articles…through being here to answer questions. KB will answer to G-d someday for all she has done…just as I will for all I have done in my life. I pray that she gets it together and stops hurting people. I know who I am. I know the truth. So does she and so does G-d. For now…that is enough.

Anyway…part of what I was experiencing, too, was a taking back of who I am. This poem is part of that process.

Flower

I am Flower!

Standing tall.

Standing strong.

Bending in the wind,
but not breaking.

I am Flower.

Speaking truth.

Offering peace.

Sharing hope.

I am Flower.

The delicate scent of my joy
may be temporarily
misplaced by the storm,
but it always returns
to be wafted along
upon gentle breezes.

I am Flower!

Beautiful.

Delicate.

Enduring.

I am Flower.

Blooming.

Growing.

Healing.

I am Flower!

©2009