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To have D.I.D. or not to have it?

October 15, 2021

My former therapist informed me it is not unusual for someone who “had” D.I.D. to feel like they are totally blended or integrated (there are various terms each with its own meaning according to the user of the term) and, yet, not be. Years and even decades later one can suddenly realize there are more splits/alters.

In my own system, I could see inside and watched as everyone walked into me and blended. All but one. That one has always been a question mark. Did she go silent and hide because it was time for her to do so? Or did she blend and I simply did not see it for some reason? Because I saw everyone else blend, I tend to think it is more likely the latter. Perhaps her job is not completed, but neither was it the time for her to do it. So, she has been waiting. Maybe.

The idea of having splits does not bother me, especially since I was not really a “time loser”. Or at least I wasn’t for the periods of my life I remember. I do know I lost time when I was accessed, but they did it in such a way that it was not obvious. There was seeming continuity, although the amount of time it took to do whatever I was doing was a bit long. When it was happening, I just wrote it off to losing track of time. Later, when I learned my true history, I began to believe I was actually losing time and it was due to being accessed.

Of course, being dissociative on lesser levels is always interesting and lends its uniqueness to the story. So, I just observe and wait to see what happens.

I see things–little things–and it makes me wonder. I will not be surprised at all if it turns out there are more. I am almost certain there are. It feels like it did in the beginning of this journey. I saw little indicators and believed it meant I was split but I did not know for sure until I had definitive proof. (I am pretty sure I described that somewhere in this blog.) Now, I am seeing indicators, but again, there is nothing definitive to be able to make me say one way or the other.

And then there is the question of Dar (Darlene). Where is she? There are times I have wished I could draw on her strength. Then again, I think I am. She was co-present and, if she is blended I have her strength. If she is not, her strength is still within me and I am sure she is helping me from behind the scenes like she did for many years before I even knew of the existence of that part of me.

It is easy to think of they and me. But really, we are all me. As someone said recently, we share the same brain. We also share the same body. Even our mind is shared, even if there are some barriers up inside. We are one. And yet that one is also a we. Or is it?

I am waiting and watching. I am sensing things and trying to interpret what I observe and what I sense. I am also now seeing a therapist who is familiar with D.I.D. and who has patients who are split. But, most importantly, although she is somewhat familiar with the concept of ritual abuse, she is not trained in it specifically. She feels safe. But I will always be watching, of course.

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Being sick

September 20, 2021

Getting really sick is always an emotionally charged thing for me. Maybe it has to do with feeling weak and vulnerable. I don’t know.

I woke up Friday morning with a back ache and headache. My neck has been bothering me lately, too. I thought it was from a fall I had about a month ago. Although it seemed I made it through the fall unscathed, I’ve been noticing that I probably should get to a chiropractor. Something hasn’t really been feeling quite right. I hate starting new things and I’ve just been busy. I already have an eye appointment and I need to make a dental appointment. These are all things that have been kind of stacking up as I was waiting for medical coverage, something I’ve had for several months.

I also have persistent allergies. I believe my house is, literally, making me sick with these allergies. I cannot properly clean it. So all the dust and cobwebs and everything else just keep blowing around. It’s frustrating. Short of leaving my husband, which is not going to happen, there’s nothing I can do about it.

It finally dawned on me Friday morning that the headache was due to a sinus infection. It may have been aggravated by the fall, but it was mostly sinus infection. I did two stupid things. One, I forgot to use a saline nasal spray regularly to help keep a sinus infection away. Two, I over sugared which tanked my immune system. I should only be eating to boost my immune system, especially in these circumstances.

Using natural remedies, I got the sinus infection part of it under control within a couple days. But a sinus infection doesn’t just stay in the sinuses. The whole body gets hit. And I’m still trying to recoup from that. I feel weak. I have very little energy to even get myself something to eat. Thankfully, my husband is a dear to help me with that.

So what is it about being sick that’s so emotionally charging? As I wrote, I think it’s that I feel weak and vulnerable. I don’t like being in a position where I cannot physically defend myself. Yep, that’s also where trusting Creator comes in. He has kept me safe for many many years. Why would He stop now?

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Remembering?

September 17, 2021

I like to do jigsaw puzzles on my tablet. Just now I was doing one of a deep red rose where the rose is almost the whole picture. I like to do the edges first.

As I was doing the edges, I noticed something didn’t feel quite right. It took me a couple minutes, but I figured it out. This rose has tiny water droplets all over it. In the little pieces, the deep dark red with the moistness of the water looks like inner organs of the body. Like flesh cut open.

When seen as a whole, all you see is a rose with tiny water droplets. But when seen as tiny little pieces, you don’t see a rose. And so the imagination can run wild. And the mind can make connections with memories.

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Gaining clarity–

September 12, 2021

My husband prayed for me beneath his tallit. One of the things he prayed was for me to understand what is going on inside. I believe his prayer was answered.

I am constantly pushing into the “enemy’s” territory. Plus, I am finding new freedom as I push forward in my own healing. The enemy does not like that, nor do all the people who are under his spell.

I have a training coming up that will make me more effective. This morning, as I read the preparatory email, I had the overwhelming feeling there was no way I could go through with this. As I thought about it though, it did not make sense. I have already been preparing my clients that I will not be available that week. I certainly have the smarts and abilities to do the training. I took a similar training to get my current certification. I believe I have resolved my laptop zoom issues. So, what is up?

As I thought about the fact there is no logical reason for my being unable to do the training other than this emotional upheaval happening inside of me, it hit me. THEY don’t want me taking it. They also don’t want me having a case manager, a therapist familiar with DID, and a life coach of my own. They want me ineffective…useless. They are sending spiritual forces against me. Well, tough!

Once I figured out I am under spiritual attack, it lifted. The darkness, when exposed to the Light, cannot stand. It is my constant prayer for any darkness within me to be exposed to the Light and driven out. I also pray against the powers of evil and darkness that surround me.

Thank You, Avinu Shebashamayim, for the spiritual warriors You have assigned to me to protect me. You did not give me the privilege of seeing them, but You did give that privilege to someone else. I am strong in You and in You alone. I have no strength of my own. I only have that which Your Ruach HaKodesh gives me. You empower me to do what I do. I leave the results in Your hands. Thank You for covering me with Your wings. Beneath Your wings I am safe and secure and there is NOTHING the enemy can do to hurt me that You do not allow. And what You allow, You use for good and I trust You to get me through whatever comes my way.

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Interesting Developments…

September 11, 2021

Life is certainly interesting. My new job is part time, but has elements that can be rather stressful. I did not realize in what ways that might effect me. I knew, having CPTSD, that stress is felt more intensely than with regular folks, but it turns out there are other ways stress can effect me.

I have often said I am totally fine with being partially amnesic. I know enough about what is in there and I am really not interested in going there. What I did not consider is that I am putting a cap on my memory. Even though I am not “consciously” trying to do it, I AM spending energy on keeping it buried. It is happening automatically.

My job runs the gamut from very easy days to very stressful ones. Hopefully they all balance out with the average day being just right. The last couple of months I have had challenges that have made them extra stressful, especially one month in particular. There has been a huge learning curve, but I think I have managed to handle that fairly well. All things considered, I love my job and believe I am good at it.

What I did not consider is that the energy I have apparently been using to keep a cap on my memories got switched over to doing the stressful parts of my job. This allowed some things to start happening. I began to notice triggers and get flashbacks. None of them were the gut-wrenching kind, but they were noticeable nonetheless. Something is clearly happening. It did not hit me until yesterday about how the stress was causing the energy shift and how that might impact my memory burial.

For about a month I have been walking around with a knot in my gut. I felt as if I had lost my equilibrium and was struggling to get it back. Physically, I was doing fairly well. The EBV does not seem to be getting triggered, but I have been feeling tired and as if I was treading water and could not get back to swimming or back to shore. What was up with this? And then it hit me that I had been using energy to keep the memories down and now they were starting to pop up due to the energy diversion.

I very much believe in timing, that things happen when the time is best for them to happen, even when it does not feel like the best time.

This is not just about memories. It is also about whether or not I still have splits. My former therapist, D, tells me it is not unusual to feel as if one is totally integrated or blended and then discover there are more splits. This can happen even after decades. I know the level of the group most likely meant layer upon layer and level upon level of programming and, yes, splits.

For awhile now, I have had soft indicators of there possibly being more parts of me still separate. For starts, I don’t ever remember Dar blending. It is like she just went quiet. I assumed (hoped) she had blended, but did not see it happen like I did with all the others. I love all of me, but admit I miss Dar the most. For whatever reason, she was not triggered by the mom.

Then there are the buried memories. Although one can be integrated and still have buried memories (which I now question), the fact is I have not gained memories with integration. I gained memories with splits being healed and processing, but integration and blending did not bring more memories as is often the case. I have always wondered about that. Why are they still buried? Is someone holding them?

Lately, this has been on my mind a lot more. Do I have children who are holding the horror and need to be healed? I would never want to remain amnesic at the cost of some child part of me not being able to receive the love and healing so greatly deserved. So I have always been open to the possibility of there being more.

Over the last few months (since starting my job), I have been experiencing soft indicators. The sense of “coming to”, even though I was totally aware the whole time. No actual lost time, but still that sense of “coming to”. The triggers and flashbacks make me wonder if someone is remembering. And then there is the eating. I worked hard to lose the extra weight I was carrying and now I find myself eating just to eat. It feels as if I am eating emotionally, but with no real reason to. Is someone “else” eating emotionally and putting the weight back on? (That really needs to stop!)

What or who is holding the memories? I have been longing for some time for someone safe who can handle my sharing what I do remember and the bits and pieces that are also coming up with the triggers. I thought I had someone, but nope. Scared him off before we could even meet. But now things are changing and I am moving forward. Things are coming together.

I have been loosely connected to a domestic violence shelter and group. They have a sub organization that deals specifically with sexual violence, including trafficking. Through that connection, I have come to know some of the women who work there. I now have my own case manager from the sub part of the organization. She knows of a therapist who actually has clients with DID. She is not versed in ritual abuse, but did tell my case manager she believed she could be that person to help me process memories.

I have been meeting with my case manager for about a month and really appreciate it. I have my first appointment with the therapist in a couple of weeks. Yes, I have been nervous. The knot in my gut got worse when I made the appointment. I can sense something is happening inside and truly believe it is time to look at some things. I cannot ignore them any longer.

I also referred myself to a partner organization to get my own coach. I am a peer recovery coach, which is basically a life coach with an emphasis on recovery from substance issues. Although I do not feel I need one for the recovery aspect of it, I do need one for the rest of my life which is getting very chaotic, especially with the job and the soft indicators and the triggers and flashbacks. So next week, I finally have an appointment to meet with my coach and to do an intake for federal level grants. I hear that intake is pretty intensive and we will see how it goes. Can I handle it? Will I even be able to answer the questions?

On top of all that, I had a dream yesterday morning about an attempted accessing. Where that came from I don’t know. A program attempting to scare me away from getting help and moving forward? I would not be surprised in the least. I recently had a very strong program kick in designed to keep me away from support. It caused me to misinterpret people and keep me from feeling connected. It took a lot to break that one. The prior programs were easier to break.

So, it will be interesting to see what develops. Will Dar resurface? Will child parts come forward? I have had a desire to sleep with a stuffy. Where did that come from? There is a tiny little stuffy bear I used to be able to carry in my purse. I have not seen it for years. All of a sudden I keep seeing it in my mind and it is frustrating. I keep feeling as if I should be able to put my hand right on it, but I have no idea where it is. Did I give it to some child who needed one? I tend to not think so, but I cannot find it anywhere.

Since I only have soft indicators and nothing definitive of still having DID, I have decided to proceed as if I still do. I talk to my system (in case any part of me is still separate). I plan on getting another tiny stuffy. The likelihood of finding one just like the bear? No clue. I hope I can find something suitable because it seems as if it someone may need it.

I certainly did not expect to be in this place again, but here I am. It is all in Creator’s hands. I am open and willing to do the work. In the meantime, my bosses know what is going on and they know I am maxed out client wise. I am part time for a reason and they are very supportive of me. I am very grateful. And the knot in my stomach? It went away after talking with my bosses. I still feel a bit nervous, but nothing like I was. I hope it stays that way. I think being clear about the boundaries I need to have is really helping.

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Friday’s meeting…

August 22, 2021

Friday’s meeting went really well. It is nice to talk with someone who seems to be pretty savvy and who understands what is going on in the world. I felt safe and accepted and (at least some degree) understood.

I found it interesting that I was on pins and needles for the two weeks leading up to it, but when the day actually came, I was very calm. Not sure why. I trust Creator in all things and maybe He was giving me His peace about it. I don’t know.

Like many things in life I have stepped into in faith, I have no idea what is going to happen. No idea where this will take me. I do know that even the little bit of sharing I did was helpful. Knowing I have someone to debrief my life with is helpful. It takes some of the pressure off.

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It’s finally time…

August 17, 2021

I knew this day would come. Things finally starting building up and I guess I am in a safe enough place to handle it. I find myself having more flashback snippets and triggers. Recently, I had a scare when my supervisor asked me if I was having time lapses. I truly did not believe I was losing time and was scrambling to explain why I did not remember something he said happened.

He was correct. The conversation happened. I could see the evidence. As it turns out, there was a very logical explanation involving someone using two different first names…the legal one and the nickname. All is well. I did not lose any time. But it scared the heck out of me. The only times I really know of losing time I was being accessed. So, just the thought that I could have had that happen to me, especially with me not knowing it, scared me. It took days to get over it and it left a lingering faint question in the back of my mind.

I had been wanting someone to process my life with and thought I had someone, but it turned out to not be the case. But when this happened, I just had to try again. I ended up calling a connection I have at an organization that helps survivors of domestic and/or sexual violence. We had talked before about it, but now I really needed to get that ball rolling.

I told her what had happened and she totally understood and said she would reach out to her team to see what would be the best way to work it out. So, now it is arranged. I will be meeting with someone from the office farther away. That is to avoid any potential awkwardness between me and the local people due to my transparency. I don’t think it would have been an issue, but I am just grateful for the help.

There are three ladies who work together on a podcast and they had already asked me to be a guest. We just have not figured out the topic, yet. Maybe this will bring out an idea. I don’t know. I just know I am on pins and needles and trying to live my life and do my job at the same time.

So, this Friday is the big day.

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Thinking of my sis

March 12, 2021

Lately, I have been more aware of my sis’s death and life. I wish I knew more of her life, but then I don’t. I know her life was as much as hell as mine was. No one makes it unscathed in a generational ritual abuse family. No one. My parents didn’t and we didn’t.

I have been writing about grief lately, triggered by thoughts of my sis. I thought of her on her birthday even more this year than usual. I thought of her leading up to her birthday. She has just been more and more on my mind

She died/was killed on my birthday. Yeah, no warning there. I was away getting memories back and doing healing work. I never got a chance to confirm with her what I remembered for she was taken away. As for the group…well, let’s just say I am not the only one who does not think the timing of her death was a coincidence. It was a warning to me.

Realistically, I doubt she could have told me much. She was, most likely, as amnesic as I was (and to some degree, still am). Plus, she would have been afraid–afraid I would “tell” on her. I would not have understood that back then as much as I do now.

My memories of her are scarce, even though we lived in the same house for at least 10 years. I remember when she was born and not much else while we shared houses. I look back and simply do not see her present. Yet, I do know she was. Of that I have no doubt.

Part of grief is realizing what we have lost in the what-could-have-been category. We were sisters and even though we were almost eight years apart, we should have been able to be closer. I should have been able to be the big sister she needed. But I couldn’t be. I should have been able to have a relationship with her untainted by the “job” I had to do with her. (No wonder it has been so challenging to grieve.)

I was given an offer for some free products from a healing music site. I have interfaced with the founder for several years via email. He knows my “history”, somewhat. No one knows it all for it is too horrific to share. People don’t understand these kinds of horrors. Anyway, as I went to the site, I knew what I was looking for… music on grieving for her.

It’s time. I have been sensing it was time. Do I like the “timing” of this in my life? No. But then, is there ever a good time to grieve? Of course, I have to answer that with a yes. I guess it is more a matter of it being a convenient time rather than a good time. Grief is good and the time for grieving is good. It’s just not always convenient.

So, I am awaiting the delivery of the music and I will be taking some time to grieve, interwoven with needing to also live life. I will have to do the two side by side. I wish there was a grieving group for this kind of thing, but there isn’t. I mean, I am sure there is a group for grieving a death, but it is not very accessible to me. Perhaps online?

I am going to kick this off. I don’t have the energy to do a thorough proofread, so show me some grace if you see any typos or needed edits. I am grieving. The process began months ago, but it is now “official”, I guess.

I am grieving. I didn’t know about kaddish when she died. Is it too late now? I believe in my heart it is never too late. Creator G-D is eternal and outside of time.

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A time for grief?

March 8, 2021

Here I sit, the emotions churning in my gut and welling up inside of me. Why? I can only guess. But I think I am a pretty good guesser. I wrote previously asking the question, “When do we get to grieve?” So many losses, but survival came first. So, grieving was not safe.

I can live as a survivor. I’ve done it for over 60 years. I have managed, by the grace of G-D, to keep it together and not “lose it” entirely. I have cried my share of tears while usually hiding them. No one can see. It’s not allowed. I got so used to shutting it all down, it is difficult to allow myself to show that vulnerability to anyone. And, yes, that includes my hubby, even though he gives me no reason to hide it. He loves me and he cares.

I have always known the emotions from the memory recall had to eventually hit. It will be 20 years in just a few more months. Massive visuals and very little emotions. Where are the emotions? They don’t just disappear.

No, they would hide for awhile and then try to sneak out when they thought I was not looking. And they were correct. I wasn’t. That is why I used to get blindsided, slammed as the emotions seemed to flood me from out of nowhere. Except… it isn’t nowhere. It is deep inside in the depths of my soul.

But I got used to it. I learned how to sense it coming on and would try to distract myself from it. I was partially successful. But distractions only push off the inevitable. Sooner or later, the pain will come and my body will be wracked with emotions that are trying to come through the crack in the dam I have built up for my own protection. When you are surrounded by enemies, especially ones who want your child, there is no time to grieve.

Even here, where I live now, there are enemies around me. I have to trust G-D. He has sent his angels (seen by someone else) to protect me in the past. He has led me through dangers more than once. This is no different. I must keep my eyes on Him, my ears tuned to His voice. I do not want a repeat of what happened not long after we moved here.

So, is there ever a truly safe time and place to grieve? Yes! I believe so. I believe our minds are fearfully and wonderfully made and they protect us, hiding the overwhelming horror until we are safe enough to look at it. And G-D’s Spirit, I believe, guides and directs. He brings the people, the knowledge, the hints and clues to my past at just the right times when I am ready for them.

So, I await the grief. And when it comes, I will do my best to embrace the grief, knowing it will not last forever. I will fight to not shut it down. I will fight to allow myself to become vulnerable once again, as I was created to be.

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Flashbacks

March 5, 2021

Last night, I found myself lying awake… remembering. Bits and pieces, flashes peaking around the corners of my mind. There was not a big emotional hit, but some silent tears did eventually slip down my cheek. Not many… just enough to know there is something in there, something in the bits and pieces sliding in from the ragged edges. There is, once again, confirmation.

What was the trigger? I think I know, but it really does not matter. Life is full of triggers. What is important to me is how I handle them when they come. Sometimes, I try to redirect my thoughts to something else. When that does not work, or if the bits and pieces persist in floating through and grabbing my attention, I just allow my mind to look at them and see what is going to happen.

I am so successful at dissociating my emotions from the images it is automatic. It’s always been that way. The times when the emotions connect with the images, has been pretty rough. But it is rare. On the one hand, it does allow me a certain amount of freedom to “explore”. On the other hand, it tells me there is a dam holding it all back. I don’t only have traumatic amnesia regarding the memories as a whole, I also have a wall of “amnesia” when it comes to the emotions associated with the memories I do have.

Sometimes, the emotions slip out and I have no context for them. Thankfully, that is not often, just as the visual flashes are not often. There are times when it is more frequent. It could happen around dates, events or just seeing/hearing something that reminds me of my history… whether consciously or unconsciously.

At some point, I fully expect some things to come together and gel into something coherent. That coherency may rock me in the moment as it sometimes has in the past. Or I may dissociate it away. But dissociation, while helpful in the moment, only puts off the inevitable.

I am real. My history is real. I own it all… the horror, the pain, the suffering, all the actions done to me and by me, all of it. I own it, but it is not who I am. And I refuse to feel guilt for things I was forced, trained or programmed to do. The perps own the guilt for that. Sadly, in the world in which I grew up (if you can even call it “growing up”), the perps were victims, too. And their victims often become perps of some kind. And so it goes, generation after generation until someone gets the help to be strong enough to say it is the end of the line.

One of the saddest things is when children are forced to be perpetrators. Even though they are forced, whether physically or with threat of serious harm to themselves or someone they love, they grow up feeling like they are perpetrators. It takes a lot to heal from such things and I am not sure we ever completely do in this life.

So, I remind myself this is NOT my true Home. Do I long to go Home? Sure… often. Do I long to go Home now? At times. But that is not a decision for me to make. So long as I have breath, I have a reason to be here, even if I cannot see it in the moment. I know from experience, the reason will become known. I just have to wait for it.

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Human Trafficking

February 26, 2021

This is very hard to write about. If you are squeamish, you might want to pass.

This whole subject can be very triggering for me and, yet, I cannot stay away from it. People simply have NO idea how bad it really is…what is actually happening. (You still have a chance to leave this post.)

Every time I read about women and children being rescued and trafficking perpetrators being jailed, a part of me rejoices. A part of me breathes a sigh of relief for those rescued and I feel gratitude for the rescuers.

My heart also breaks as I am also reminded there are so many more still trapped. Still being tortured. Still being killed. Still being used in pornography. Still being used sexually in so many different perverted ways. Still being sacrificed in sick rituals. Still having organs and blood harvested (think adrenochrome) while they are alive. And, yes, they are even eaten. If only they were all killed first…or at least put under before these things are done to them. But they are not. These people are SICK!

So, another part of me is holding my breath, longing to see the whole cursed thing brought down around their heads. Longing to see the world rid of this horrible, demonic evil. I am walking around in anticipation.

My heart also breaks for those rescued. While the physical part is over, the rest of it is not. Those rescued are so broken. Some were bred in baby farms for just this purpose. It is all they have ever known. Born and sacrificed. Born and abused. Imagine the mothers being used as a baby factory and having every child ripped from them. The heartache never stops.

Yes, we can and do get “better”, but it will never be like it never happened. Some of these scars are faded. But it does not always take much for them to become red and inflamed once again. Even when there is trauma amnesia, it is still inside. You can get triggered and not even be sure why. You can get flashes of things from the fringes of your memory and not be sure what they even are about.

How much of this is my experience? Unknown. I have remembered enough of my family history to know it was ugly. I have remembered enough to know I don’t want to remember any more. I have experienced rituals, killing, sexual abuse, being filmed… and more. I rarely talk about it. Most people have no clue and would not even begin to understand. The parts I do not consciously remember, I know about and I react to. I am sensitive to it.

So, my heart breaks over and over again. I mean, seriously, how can it not? How can anyone who knows the truth NOT have a broken heart? I saw a video on this and it said something about, “those who know cannot sleep at night.” Those who know are driven to rescue as many as they possibly can. They cannot live a life of peace knowing what these women and children are going through. I guess I have an advantage. Having gone through so many horrific things starting as a very young child, I developed the ability to dissociate and I have trauma amnesia. I feel for the rescuers. It is not as easy for them to separate themselves from it. There is vicarious trauma.

So, I sit here writing, so aware of my brokenness, so aware of my powerlessness, with emotions just ready to come spilling out. I am thankful for this blog where I can write about things I may not have the opportunity to talk about. Try finding someone who can handle it!

If you have made it to the end of this post, I am in awe of you. I respect you in ways you cannot even begin to understand. The voiceless need a voice. I have been voiceless and, to some degree, still am. But I am fighting now to speak my story to anyone who will listen with an open mind and heart. It starts here with this blog. But it is also starting to happen, in little bits, outside of this blog.

You also have a challenge. You now know the truth. Do a search on human trafficking and you will find more than you ever wanted to know. The real question is…what will you do with it? If you turn a blind eye and are not part of the solution, then you are part of the problem. This is a scourge and there are many things you can do.

First, if someone honors you with a little bit of their story, LISTEN to them and BELIEVE them. Check your skepticism at the door. Whether you can accept the reality of the events shared or not, know this. It is real to them. Honor their trust in you by trusting them. Try and be a support for them in whatever way you can. Oftentimes, the most powerful form of support is to simply listen and accept them as they are. Help them to know you do not think they are “weird”. They aren’t. Whatever hangups they have, they are normal for what they have experienced. Encourage them in their journey to find some kind of healing.

Second, learn what you can about human trafficking. If you can donate to the rescuers, do so. Even if you can’t, you can pray for them. Maybe even write some encouraging words to them.

Third, educate others about what you have learned. Help wake people up. This whole evil system IS coming down and the survivors are going to need a LOT of support. The more people who can be aware of it all, the more the rescued can, hopefully, find support and acceptance.

(If you have read this because you are just a sick pervert who gets off on reading this kind of stuff, take this with you. You are part of the problem. You will be held accountable some day. Creator is real and He does not like it when His children…the people He made in His image…are hurt like this. You have been warned.)

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More on grieving…

February 26, 2021

It’s been a rough month. I have been reminded of my sister a lot. As I wrote in my previous post, when do we survivors get to grieve?

When you are in survival mode, you don’t have the luxury of taking time to grieve. Your main focus is on staying safe and, in my case, keeping my child safe. Who has time to grieve? Who has the energy to grieve?

But life, eventually, brings those reminders and our minds and hearts are satisfied we are in a safe enough place to start grieving. Those reminders could be anything. For me, it not even things that necessarily pertain to her.

I have a lot of years of not being able to fully grieve a lot of losses. When those losses came, I was usually having to scramble to deal with the results of the losses. And when it seems as if life just keeps hitting with one thing after another, those things I need to grieve just pile up.

So, now I am wondering. Is this the time to start to let that wall come down? Am I ready for the flood of emotions? Do I even have a choice?

I have to trust Creator in all of this. I know He knows best what needs to happen in my life. He knows best when I am ready to deal with the buried grief, whether I “feel” ready or not. I have seen Him work in so many ways over the years. I trust Him to not allow me to collapse or implode. He is always good, even when I am not. He is my Rock to stand on. He is my Tower to run into for shelter from the storm.

I will–I must–continue to trust Him. My life, my stability, my emotional and mental health, everything depends on it.

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When do we get to grieve?

February 10, 2021

Grief seems to get both triggered and hindered in so many ways. Flashbacks trigger grief. But flashbacks also trigger avoidance. Part of me wants to feel and remember and process–to take the power out of the flashbacks. But I also do not want to go there. That’s why those memories are buried or, at least, pushed away.

I used to wonder why even good memories would feel overwhelming. I think I am beginning to understand. Experiencing horrific things causes us to shut down our ability to feel. We find any way possible to go numb. From what I have read and learned, it is very difficult to separate negative from positive emotions in the sense of allowing only one type to go through the filters we put up.

Even if we could fine tune our filters, there is another problem. We grew up with bait and switch and constant deception. When something good was offered, it was often either substituted with something negative or withheld until after something negative or led into something negative. So, even the “good” events and “good” memories are so often attached to negative (even horrific) ones.

So, almost all memories, both positive and negative, actually lead to/are connected to something negative. Do I remember enjoying something with my mother? There is the manipulation always lurking in the background…and worse buried deep in my psyche behind the veil of amnesia.

Thinking of my sister is hard. I really have very few memories of her growing up. We lived in the same house, but my memories (except a rare handful) do not include her. It is as if she only visited once in a very great while. I know that is not true, but I have so thoroughly blocked her. Or, maybe, they blocked her for me. Or both.

When I had some memory recall two decades ago, I remembered enough about the relationship my sis and I had to not really want to remember any more. I was trained well and I became her trainer. Or, at least, cotrainer. They are always there making sure we do it “correctly”, leading and guiding us in their evil sickness.

So, I find myself avoiding memories. When they come, I allow myself to grieve as best I can. But it always feels incomplete. Grief is hard. Grief is triggering. It’s hard to process when feeling overwhelmed, but I know of no other way through it. But the shutdown of the flow of both memories and emotion is automatic. How do we turn off that automatic valve which is there for our protection?

I have no easy answers, especially as a survivor of such horrific things. I just do the best I can to allow myself to sit in the emotions triggered by the brief snippets of memory I have, by the photos I see, by the dates passing by. (It’s my sis’s upcoming birthday that got me into this post.)

It is my desire–my prayer–that all of us survivors find a way to grieve, even if we have to make it happen. In fact, maybe making it happen is the answer. Instead of waiting to be hit, I can take some time to choose to go there. I can be the master controller of the process. Maybe. Obviously, I would need to be prepared.

I just know I need to do something. It seems as if the walls of separation are starting to crumble and I had better be able to handle it. And I would rather handle it on my terms. Is it date programming? Age programming? Just the natural progression of aging and healing and growing? It could be any of those, all three of them or even some other option.

I live in a heavy cult area. They are everywhere, even in the places and groups that are supposed to be “safe”. It is absolutely imperative I trust G-D for my safety.

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My little sis

February 10, 2021
Need I say more?
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A warm wind blowing…

January 26, 2021

I have been through many freezing winters of the soul and heart. You know the ones. You can hardly breath for all the pain inside and you are tired from working so hard to numb your heart as you reel from what feels like a sucker punch to the soul. But breathe you do and stand up you do. And move on you do.

My heart hurts when I think of those who are being trafficked and those who are still trapped inside the cult/cabal/whatever you want to call it. I sometimes find myself crying when I think of them. But there is a warm wind blowing. It is the wind of rescue and freedom.

I keep seeing articles about women and children being rescued and I find myself both rejoicing and on the edge of tears. Why tears? Joy, for one. I am praising G-D Almighty for what He is doing. And tears of relief from knowing it is that many more women and children who will no longer have to suffer the degradation and horrors of being trafficked. It ain’t pretty, but it is, hopefully, behind them.

Don’t for one minute think trafficking is minor. Or that “it’s just sex.” Unwanted sex, especially for a child, is horrific. Rape for anyone of any age or gender is horrific. But it’s much worse than that, folks.

There is also torture…and death. And blood. Lots of blood. Imagine you are a small child and your hands and clothes are covered in blood. Horrified yet? Imagine you are holding the knife. Even worse, yes? Imagine an adult hand over yours plunging that knife into the child or baby or animal. We are only scratching the surface. There is more, but I will leave it at that for now.

These people are evil. They have sold their souls to hasatan…for what? Money? Power? Position? The life promised to them if they will eat and drink of their victims? Maybe all of those things?

People who have not been through it find it hard to imagine it. Oh, we are soooooo civilized! No one does those kinds of things today…or, at least, not in our nation. Ha! Oh, yes they do! And right under your noses! You have no idea how many are tied into this. There are whole towns mixed up in it. Lawyers, judges, law enforcement, civic leaders, religious leaders, “do good” groups.

But, there is a warm wind blowing. It is finally starting to come out. People in power and position, people in government and religion institutions, all the dirty people are being exposed for what they are–hasatan’s puppets and slaves.

That is the irony. They enslave. Do they even begin to understand how enslaved THEY are? Do they really think the “gifts” being offered come with an easy or low price? I think a lot of them do know from the earthly perspective. I don’t know if they know from the spiritual perspective just what they have done.

So, believe it or not, I pray for them. You see, as bad as the hell is they have inflicted on us, eternal hell is worse. Oh, don’t get me wrong. I want to see every single one of them rounded up and jailed or executed. Every. Single. One. But I also pray they will turn to Creator in humility and repentance and true horror and sorrow over what they have done. I pray they will be rescued from their own enslavement and depravity before they die.

I also know many of them were raised in this. It is generational in many cases. It was in mine. How can I be angry toward my parents when I know they, too, suffered? I am just thankful I have been set free from it. Although still wounded and broken in many ways, I am no longer experiencing that horror in actuality.

That warm wind helps the still frozen places of my heart to thaw. When I hear of them being set free, I gain a little more freedom. I find myself able to breathe more easily. It feels as if my spirit is in some way tied in to what is going on. The last couple years or so have been more difficult on a spiritual level and the last months/year especially so. I think I am somehow sensing the battle being fought in the spiritual and manifesting in the physical.

So I look and I watch. And I rejoice with every rescue I see. Sometimes, I get sucker punched. But I rise back up and I rejoice. I am free and, on some level, experiencing their new found freedom with them. I pray for their healing.

I feel that warm wind blowing…the wind of rescue and freedom…

…and it feels good.

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