Obviously, it has been awhile since I have come here to write. Things have happened during that time. My beloved MIL died not long ago. We had to tell our son to move out when he crossed a line. Thing is, we came to that place many times before and he would humble himself, acknowledge wrongdoing and apologize. We would let him stay. Not this time. The two events came close together which really made it difficult to know what I was grieving when. Both made me sad, although I know I will see my MIL again. So, I think most of the pain was from our son. Although, the other day, I got a notification that her birthday is coming up and the emotions hit. I will miss her. We did not live close physically, but she was a wonderful woman and I am honored to have known her. So, now I have three yahrtzeits a year. My sister, my mom and my MIL. And life moves on.
There are cycles in life and I am not really sure where I am in the cycle. I am older now…approaching my 60’s. I am tired…battling some fatigue. It gets better and then I get hit emotionally or physically and down I go. However, overall, I am doing better. I don’t go down as far as I used to since I started to pace myself instead of pushing through and since I am guarding my heart to make sure I don’t hold emotions in or fight them. I allow them to flow through me…other than fear. I refuse to allow that to take hold. And I am actually doing pretty well with that.
With my son out of the house, we are empty nesters. Yay! Didn’t want it to happen this way, but I am able to appreciate it, nonetheless. At first, I struggled with guilty for enjoying it because of the way he left and out of concern for his losing his grandma. But that was his choice. Our only choice was to no longer put up with the behaviour. There is good news, though. He has to grow up…mature. At first, he did not even want us to know where he was. The other day, he did text to let me know where he was staying (a family we know) and that he has his first real job. Don’t know where, but the fact that he let us know after telling us we were on a “need to know” basis for everything…well, we see that as progress. Very slow. Very small. But still forward movement. How pressured he was to text me, I don’t know. But I will take whatever I can get. I am also comforted by the fact that I know a lot of good people are watching out for him.
I am back in school…online. The natural health field. I am excited about that, but also dragging. My “study/office” is challenging to keep organized and that affects my ability to focus and study. I am working on it, though, bit by bit.
Things are good. I cannot really complain. I have a roof over my head and, even though it is not “finished”, it is more than adequate. I have food. I have shelter. We are living on early SS and whatever G-d provides beyond that. My hubby is trying for disability…something his lawyers do not understand he did not get because it is so obvious. Court is coming up, but we don’t know when…just most likely within the next couple of months or so. That bit of extra would really make a huge difference. He wanted to be able to keep working until his age out, but it just was not possible. And once you are on early SS, you cannot go back unless you get a job to put back in. Disability would enable him to get as much as if he had worked until age out as early only garners you 75% of age out.
As for me, when I think of working, I can feel the stress rising…the same stress that triggers fatigue. So, I am hoping to be able to “work” with that and maybe get a part time job come spring/summer and nicer weather. Right now, it just does not seem doable. I have to fight the panic that wants to rise. But I know that, whatever I am supposed to do, I will be able to do. For G-d does not call us to do anything without equipping us and making a way for us to do it.
I guess that is my update for now. Will I have more thoughts later? Probably. In fact, I have a lot of thoughts about things, but am not able to come and write about them. It is easy to feel overwhelmed in life…hence the “panic” about working. It is not that I am afraid to work. I am just concerned about biting off more than I can chew…emotionally and energy wise. What will be will be and I will work with it as best I can.
One battle I fight is that of comparing. It is a dangerous thing to compare. I am amazed at what some people are able to do in life…even survivors. And I can easily feel as if I am not “good enough”…too “broken”. I have to remember that I am not called to do what they are doing. I have my own calling. I need to embrace it and let go of the comparisons. There are many things I “want” to do, but I cannot do them all. And that is hard. I have to discern what I am supposed to do from amongst all the things I would like to do. Or get super organized! LOL
What is most important in life? That needs to be my focus. Most important spiritually first. When that part of me is in order, the rest can fall into place. I do the best I can regarding taking care of my spirit, my body and my “heart”. I will be OK.