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Answer to ? About Seeking Out My History

February 17, 2008

This question was posted:

what do you mean… seek out your history? and why?

rose

Hi, Rose, you ask a good question. I am partially amnesic. It is something that will be coming out more and more as write this blog, but I will start with the most blatant part of it that I see. I don’t remember my younger sister.

You see, I have a sister who is 8 years younger than I am. I lived in the same house with her for at least 10 years. Yet, I can count on one hand the number of real memories I have of her. I have very clear memories of photos of her, but that is not the same thing. I even have a set of photos I took of her at a special event; and yet, try as I might, I can only get hazy bits of memory about that event. Looking at the pictures does not evoke any real sense of being there. Nor does looking at any of the other pictures I have of her.

I don’t recall when it suddenly struck me that she was gone from my consciousness. All I know is that I was an adult and had been away from home for quite awhile. I do have one memory of being with her once when I was visiting after I had moved away, but that is about it. What I remember of our conversation was very telling and very sad.

I also came to another realization one day. As I was looking at the photo albums my parents had it suddenly struck me that all of my younger childhood memories were just the photos in the albums. There are no moving pictures…just still shots. Almost all are from the third person perspective, as if I was there as an observer looking at myself instead of experiencing it as a participant, being myself. My mother had told me stories about the photos many times over the years. Somehow, my mind had taken the stories and the photos and created “memories”.

Both of these realizations came as a bit of a shock to me, but I know I must have been ready for it. I know that God allows things to be revealed as I am ready for it.

So, for me, I had to let go of what I used to think was my history and start seeking what my history really is. I have asked the One who knows all about it…God…to lead me in this adventure. And that is exactly what it has been…an adventure! It has also been incredibly hard and led me to remember things that rocked my life.

I don’t know the details of what is left buried inside, but I do have the overall big picture now. I have also read enough information on what I have uncovered about myself and met enough other people with similar backgrounds that I don’t think there will be too many surprises to come.

I cannot really force any memories to surface. So, what I mean by “seeking” is that I try to be open to what comes up. I try to have an open heart and open mind.

I hope this answers your question!

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