February 23, 2008

Need I say it? I HATE flashbacks.

I don’t mind triggers so much because they are clues to the past. But flashbacks for me are usually just deep intense emotional pain that hits hard…seemingly out of nowhere. Oftentimes, the only clue I have as to the source of the pain is whatever it was I was thinking about when it hit. And sometimes I don’t even have that. I just get hit with emotional pain that is so great that it takes everything in me to not double over as I try to hide it from those around me.

Last night was different. The flashbacks were more defined. I saw people and places and there was a distinctiveness in the emotions. Instead of being all jumbled into one huge pain…I could feel separate, distinct emotions. It was rather overwhelming.

Thankfully, I was in an online meeting and I had a pastor friend who helped me out. Gotta love those guys. They are so supportive, even when I feel like a basket case. 🙂 I wish I could find a way to deal with the flashbacks other than to just ride them out. They wash over me so strongly that I feel as if I am going to drown in the emotions.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, I have had times of sitting in the presence of Yahweh when the emotions from that were also overwhelming. It is an incredible experience to sit with God; just as it is an incredible experience to sit in the past. I would rather stay in today. If I have to experience something so intense, I would prefer it be the intensity of being with Yahweh.

Please feel free to share your thoughts.

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