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Feeling Down and Thoughts of Home

March 19, 2008

I have really been feeling down lately. I am not sure why exactly. Maybe it is just the stress of life altogether. I don’t know. It just seems like I have been having more “survivor” days. Although I cannot ignore having survived a lot, being a survivor is not my core identity. Being a daughter of the Most High God is.

I work hard on my healing. I work on my relationship with God. Well, maybe I should rephrase that. My relationship with Yahweh is very real and it, along with healing, is a gift from Him. What I mean by “working on” is that I do what is in front of me to do. When He reveals something to me I try to pay attention. It also means that I try to make sure I am spending time with Him, speaking and listening, heart to heart. I make time to read His love letter to me…to get to know Him and His heart better.

I work on embracing truth…the truth about who I am in Him…the truth about my history, my present and my future. I know from where I have come. I know where I am. I know where I am going…ultimately. It is that part between here and the ultimately that holds a lot of questions for me. I really have to trust that it is all in Yahweh’s hands. He has a plan for my life and that is what I want to focus on. Nay,…let me change that. It is HIM I want to focus on…His love for me and my love for Him. THAT is what brings a smile to my face and heart. It is nothing I can do. No, the joy in my heart comes from Him and from Him alone.

Yet, along with that deep inner joy is also a deep inner sadness. I see the junk of this world…all the pain and the suffering. I see how horribly people treat one another. I have seen death, cruelty, abuse. Life in this fallen world is not a pretty picture. I have no hope, really, for a good life here. Don’t get me wrong. There ARE good things and good people in this life. I am very blessed to know some incredibly awesome people and to have the love of friends and family. Yet, those are tiny fragments of this life as a whole. Our world is in a pretty sad state.

Those tiny fragments are also part of a HUGE future picture. There is an awesome place of wonder waiting for me…my true home. I cannot even begin to imagine what it will look like. There are those who have seen it…and come back. They are unable to adequately describe what they saw. THAT is my true home. That is where I long to be…with my Lord and Saviour forever. There are times when my heart aches to go home.

This morning I heard someone talking about heaven and the gate to get in…and the Gatekeeper. I know who that Gatekeeper is…and oh, how I long to hear Him say “Well done, good and faithful servant. Come on in and be with Me!”

When I heard what the Gatekeeper told this person whose time had not yet come, I thought of my sister. I do not really understand why, but for some reason, the words Yeshua spoke to this woman gave me comfort for my sister. They gave me a greater hope that she is indeed in heaven waiting for me. Yet, I cannot say why. I only know that my heart was touched deeply and tears came. They were happy tears for her because I believe she is with Him; and no one from here can ever touch her or hurt her again. She is safe. She is loved…as she always deserved to be.

I have trials and difficulties in this life. A lot of it is just the stuff of life that everyone goes through. On top of that, I have the difficulties of having gone through so much trauma and abuse. It has changed me in ways that are beyond my comprehension and in ways that I can do nothing about.

Yet, my Abba knows all about it. He helps me to work with what I have been given in this life. He brings healing in some ways and the ability to cope in others. He helps me to live this life. I simply do not know how some people are able to live this life without Him. I know that I could not. It simply a fact for me. He comforts me. He strengthens me. He gives me hope when there is no hope in anything I can see around me. He IS my hope…my joy…my peace.

Feeling down does not mean a lack of peace. It just means that I am living in the reality of this fallen world. But deep inside I have the peace of already knowing what the ultimate outcome of that will be. Of course, that is a mixed blessing. I know the joy and good that awaits me. But there is also sadness over what some will choose to go to because they simply refuse to accept Yahweh and His Son. They reject Him…and that makes me sad.

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