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Triggers…Ack!!!

April 10, 2008

It is no fun being triggered. That is a no brainer! I mean…heck…it goes without saying, right?

I feel as if I have been slammed back into my early recovery time. Well, not early recovery as a whole, early recovery as in the alcohol time. I was in recovery for a few years before I started to drink again and then realized that I needed to look at alcohol, too.

I don’t know if it is programming…and music was used for programming? Or if it is just the typical stuff of having had a problem with drugs and alcohol…if it is that “I want to change the way I feel” kind of thing going on. It can be hard to say. I just know that there are certain types of music, certain songs, that just pull me back to a time I don’t want to relive. And Saturday morning, I was in a place with that kind of music…feeling myself getting pulled into it. Along with it comes the feelings, the desires, the draws, the pulls, etc. I feel crazy inside.

I also feel rushed. I have been wanting to come and write, but I have been so busy…too busy in fact. It is overwhelming. And on top of all the busyness, I have been slammed into the past, struggling with some old issues, dealing with sickness in the family, etc. I feel as if what I am writing here is rather rushed… but oh, well. It is the best I can do right now. Ack!!! *smile*

I also feel kind of ticked off at my t right now…but that is a different subject that I am not prepared to get into at the moment. Maybe later when I have more time. It is actually good for me to feel anger. I know that he will be proud of me when he reads the email I sent telling him that I am angry with him. It does not say much…just that I am angry. With him.

Well, I gotta run. Got a lot to get done. I am going to try to get back here sooner.

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