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Ramblings About Memories, Light and Darkness

April 16, 2008

It is hard to explain how I feel. It is almost as if my head has been under water and I have been strugging for air…emotionally. I feel as if my head has suddenly popped above the water and I can, again, breathe deeply. It is as if I am experiencing a respite of sorts.

Oh, how I long for this to stay and not go away. But somewhere around me, I can feel something lurking in the shadows, or looking over my shoulder. I can sense it trying to wrap itself around my heart again…almost as if it were a physical thing. What is it? “It” is the way I have been feeling and living for about the last 8 years.

That is when things really started to hit for me…about 8 years ago. My life was turned upside down and it has been an adventure ever since. Some of that adventure has felt rather dark as I have had to come to terms with a history that was suddenly making itself known. Hidden secrets coming to the surface. Gaps in history slowing being filled in as the pieces are revealed…one by one..like a puzzle without a picture to follow, leaving few clues as to what the whole thing will look like.

It has been a struggle, but a worthwhile one. Sometimes I get a few moments of “sunshine” in the “darkness”. That is what I am feeling now. Yet, I can feel the darkness still there. It feels as if it is just waiting…biding its time…until it starts to sweep back in.

I want to try and put up a wall to keep it at bay…but I cannot. A large part of that darkness is simply my life story…more details yet to be revealed. I can no more wall out my own history than I can wall out the world.

I guess there is more than one way to look at it. I see my history as darkness flowing over me. Yet, as more of my history is revealed…well, that is actually the light piercing the dark shadowy realms of buried memories. It is taking what is currently in the dark and bringing them into the light.

This whole process of revelation feels dark…with the flashbacks and memories trying to come to the surface. Emotionally, it feels as if I am being sucked into a pit. Yet, the more light that shines in that pit…the more whole I can feel…the more I can know who I really am…the more I can see the woman Yahweh/God created me to be.

On the one hand, I have the experience of the memories revealing themselves in a non-emotional way. On the other hand…more recently, it is the emotional side of those memories that are coming out. What was mostly pictures in my head in between periods of disconnected deep emotional pain is now becoming pictures with emotional pain. The emotions…the body memories…the pictures…they are all slowly coming together to make a “whole”. A whole what? I don’t know…yet.

The ongoing effects of the abuse are also part of that shadowy place…that darkness. I know that healing can come. I also know that some of those effects are from the physical results of the abuse. Physical? Emotional? Spiritual? They are all intertwined. Each part of me effects, and is effected by, every other part. None are disconnected from each other.

So, here I sit, having enjoyed a wonderful most of my day…breathing deeply. Tomorrow will bring…? I don’t know. I hope it will bring more sunshine inside.

The sleep time is coming. Will I even be able to go to sleep without some kind of flashback…no matter how mild…taking place? **shrug**

I just keep praying that the light times will become more frequent again…and last longer…like they used to. I want to stay in the lighter realm. But can I heal there? Must I walk through the darkness to heal? It sure seems like it. But I pray it is not so.

Walking in the darkness can sometimes be so scary. I really do not think I could do if it were not for Yeshua/Jesus walking through it with me. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for You are with me. This is especially true for me when death programming has been triggered. Yet…He is always there…leading me, protecting me, guiding me. His Holy Spirit lives within me and helps me. Otherwise, I would not make it. I simply would not.

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