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Dear Sis

April 25, 2008

Dear Sis,

It was 7 years ago today that, while I was regaining our true family history, while some of the walls of amnesia were being torn down within me, that you lost your earthly life. I wish we could have had the opportunity to build a better relationship…one not filled with fear and suspicion and parental and group interference.

When I first started trying to reach out to you, you were like a stranger to me. I felt no connection to you whatsoever…and that really bothered me. You are my sister. I should feel SOME kind of connection with you. Yet, I did not. And as I looked back into my very spotty growing up memories, I was stunned to suddenly realize that I could not remember living in the same house with you while growing up. Look as I might, all I could get was a couple of memories…just really quick flashes…the one barely discernible and the other only a minute of two at best.

Yet, you were my sister. Even though life was a struggle for me and even though I was very shy, I just could not let this continue. I really felt an obligation, even if only because I was your sister, to reach out to you. So, it started. I did not understand, then, why you were so suspicious of me. Now I am pretty sure I know why.

Over the years we got to meet at different times and I kept trying to bring all of us as a family together. I did not “know” then what I know now. I did not remember the truth of our family history. I know now that we were both being accessed; but then, I was clueless. I am sorry for pushing you so hard on that.

Oh, Sis, I know you were trying to break free when you ran away. Did you realize what you were running TO? I doubt it. Did you ever regain YOUR memories? Did you ever figure out that your boyfriend and his family were the same as our family? Did you ever remember the rituals and the incest? I hope you never did, hon. I hope you never did.

I remember you telling me that you started to drink at 12, before your boyfriend ever came into the picture. That is significant because Mom would always blame your boyfriend and his family for your running away…as if you needed any outside excuse. I wanted to run away so badly so many times…but just could not. I wish you could have run to a truly safe place. But then, they would never have allowed that, would they?

You must have known something on some level because I remember when you asked me to take you to a counseling appointment one day you did not want me to tell them. You were adamant about it…almost to the point of making me swear I would not tell them. I did not understand it then. Now…I get it.

There were things about that family, especially about your boyfriend, that I tried to get you to see, but you just would not see. It makes sense. For you to see could have put you in danger. I don’t know how you survived as long as you did.

You fought bulimia and alcoholism for years. Drinking since 12. Bulimia since sometime before you were 17. You were living on borrowed time, my precious sis. I remember how it broke my heart to hear about your living on the streets at times due to the alchohol…of the ways that you got hurt out there. I was touched and honored that you shared with me how you had miscarried a baby in the restroom of the pizza parlor where we were meeting. *tears*

I write this to you with so much love in my heart. It was a love that I had to work for. I had to find it because they had worked so hard to keep it from happening, both when we were young and again as adults. Grrrrrr! I am angry, sis…for you…for me…for us…and all they stole from us. It was not fair! It was not right!

I keep writing here to you. Then I take a break. Then I come back and write more. And so it goes…back and forth…as I reflect on what I wish I could say to you. I am so sorry, sis. I wish I had understood more back then. But I also have to realize the understanding probably would have put us both in danger. *sigh*

You had two groups vying for control over you. Me…I was just an alliance between two groups…who also vied for control in their own way. We were both pawns…used and abused. Did you ever figure that out, sis? Did the memories ever start to leak over? Or maybe it was because of memories that you started to drink in the first place? Or that made it so hard for you to get and stay sober? I don’t know. You never told me. I never got a chance to talk to you about what I remembered because you lost your earthly life while I was remembering.

I remember how hard you fought for sobriety. You just kept going back after every time you went out. You would not give up! I really admired that about you, sis. Did you know that? Did I ever tell you? I really hope that I did.

I was given two different stories about what led to you being taken to the hospital with what supposedly turned out to be a toxic mix of alcohol and meds. Was my mother told the same story…and then she lied to me? Or was she lied to by your boyfriend’s mother. I don’t know. Neither story makes much sense to me.

You know, sis, the way his mother told it, you suicided. Oh, she did not use the word, but she pretty much spelled it out. Thing is…if you did, it is also clear from her words that you were set up for it. Her own words condemn that family!

Regardless of which story is true…and it may be neither…what they describe makes me believe that you were set up to die, whether you did it alone or with help. You were expendable, sis…to them. But you weren’t to me! *tears* They could not just let you go and get some real help.

I remember how you fought with the recovery people to get you some real counseling. You had to convince them that you needed it. That makes no sense to me. I know they were paying for an expensive rehab. Counseling should have been part of it. You should not have had to fight for any of it. But then, it was all about control, wasn’t it, sis? You know what I mean. They had to find ways to control us. They certainly could not have us talking now, could they? Maybe that is why our mother and father were going after my son? So they would have something to hold over me to keep me quiet? I know they wanted me out of the way. But it did not work! Was the group trying to eliminate both of us at the same time? Did they get to you because they could not get to me? Were they afraid that I might help you in some way? That we might confirm things to each other? So many questions.

But you, sis, what were you thinking in those last days and hours? What were you feeling? I know you were in a lot of heart pain. I know you kept thinking you were all bad and they were all good. Were you beginning to see the truth? Did you become dangerous? Or were you maybe getting close to becoming free? To breaking loose? Of course, they could never allow that! I wish you had felt the freedom to call me.

I had put up boundaries with you because it broke my heart to talk to you. I regret that now. Did you feel abandoned by me in the end? Oh, God, I hope not! I hope that you know how much I love you. As I recall, his mother did say something about you knowing I loved you. She did hold that out to me…that you looked up to me and that you saved everything I sent to you. Although, when I asked for it back, I got very little.

So many lies. I don’t know what to believe. I even talked to the coroner, but I was afraid to push things because I was only just then finding out the truth and I was afraid they might find out that I knew. But, sis, even the coroner’s report did not make sense to me…not given what I knew about your bulimia, your injuries, your drinking. Why would they ignore those things in the autopsy report?

Sis, I pray that you are happy now. I like to think of you as being in our Abba’s arms, being held and rocked and loved on like you always deserved to be. I like to think of you in a beautiful place with a new body and a peaceful spirit…your heart and mind finally at rest. I cling to the fact that you knew Jesus as a child. Somewhere, sis, I have the letters you wrote to me…letters where you talk about Him and about me trusting Him.

His mom said that you never grew up. You watched cartoons every Saturday morning until the end. I believe that little child was still inside of you…still believing in Jesus…until the end, even though the adult you had walked away from that.

I love you, sis. I miss you, sis. Save a place for me, OK? For where you are, I will someday be, too. If there is any way for me to send you hug, via Jesus, or one of His angels, I send it.

Fly, Tweety, fly!

Fly forever free!

Free from the cage they tried to keep you in!

Love,
Sis

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