Hard days

May 14, 2008

This is one of those days when I just want to cry. There are people I love…but I don’t think they will ever know it. They will never see the tears I shed over them. They will never see how my heart breaks over their woundedness and how much I care about them.

I had a friend recently point out to me that loving someone has nothing to do with agreeing with them. Loving someone does not mean that you do not say hard things to them. That friend was so right.

Oh, how I have wrestled with not wanting to say hard things to those I love…and yet, sometimes I simply must. I simply have no choice. And saying those hard things does not mean that I do not love them. In fact, sometimes I say the hard things because I love them!

I wish that I was perfect…that I could do and say everything perfectly! I wish that all my interactions could be done well…with just the right words. And how I fail so miserably! I am feeling that failure now. And I want to cry.

It almost seems as if I don’t know how to convey my heart anymore. Although, if I listen to one person…I get the idea that I have not been conveying my heart very well for a while. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I certainly never set out to hurt anyone. But, I do hurt others. In my own woundedness…in my own humanness, yes, I can hurt others. But it is NEVER my intention to do so.

I am faced with trying to think my way through whether or not I should just shut up entirely. But, somehow, keeping my relationships on a superficial level is just not for me. If I am going to do that…why have them at all? I want deep friendships! Friends who will say hard things and hear hard things. It does go both ways.

But, above all, I want friends who love. Sometimes love is really hard to hear…difficult to convey…especially in the written word. I wish I was better at it. The messages I have been getting lately cause me to wonder. They are mixed. Some really get the love I have for them. Others are saying the opposite. So, I wonder, what is truth? Maybe both are! Maybe it has to do with how others “hear” me. Or it has to do with different personality mixes. I don’t know.

I just know that this is one of those days when I want to cry.

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