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Determination and Lies

August 13, 2008

There is another side to determination that I have observed. It puzzles me, but I guess it is a part of the abuse we survived. Some are determined to keep going back to the abuse. It is as if they are locked into it. Why?

I guess a lot of it is the lies we were told by our abusers. They told us we deserved it. I know I believed that one for a long, long time. Whatever happened to me that was negative, I believed that I deserved it…or that it was my lot in life…my destiny. Yikes! I had to recognize that lie for what it was before I could start to walk in the truth that it was OK to set boundaries…OK to say “no”.

Sometimes the programming can run very, very deep. Every time a survivor does try to break free, something is triggered, slamming them right back into things. I know I experienced that, too. I would take those baby steps toward health and someone would say just the right thing to slam me backward. It took years of working through things…of Yahweh showing me what I had to do…every little step of the way…for me to really start breaking free from that. I am so thankful that He was there for me…showing me truth when there was, literally, no one around to show it to me.

I learned that I did not need to keep running back to the things that caused me pain. Wow! What an incredible thing to learn! What an incredible thing to walk through! What a very long time it took to accomplish it. I think I may still be learning that one. Of course, there is a difference between choosing to not walk back into something and running away from it. Sometimes, there are hard things in life that we just need to face and walk through. It can be hard to know the difference between what we need to stick with working through and what we really need to stay away from.

I hope that I will continue to grow in learning about these things…continue to grow into more and more freedom. I also hope that I will never allow something to take that freedom from me. I want to move forward…not backward.

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