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More on Anger

August 13, 2008

Well…it is t day today. I spoke to him on the phone this morning. I told him that I need him to push me. I have emotions under the surface. Like a wound that is infected that we need a doctor to lance, or cut into, to release all the gunk, I need him to lance through the protective layers I have covering my anger and emotions. I really need him to push on me.

I can get in touch with some of my anger, but not when I can really let it out and process it. I think to myself…OK, I’ll do it in t. I even kind of run it through my head…how I’ll do it. Then I get to t and the anger is miles away from me. I don’t want another t appointment talking about superficial stuff. That is not to say that t has not been helpful… or that it has all been superficial. Au contraire…it HAS been helpful…but I really need to get to this stuff.

I know that he is concerned about triggering me…but then…what better place to be in if I am triggered? It is a safe place to work through that…to let myself experience it…walk through it. This is especially true during double sessions when there is more time to recupe.

I think he is, perhaps, a bit nervous about treading into territory that is unfamiliar to him. He does not typically work with survivors like myself. I got triggered once before in his office. It was the first time I was ever able to just allow it to happen in front of someone. Typically, I would do everything in my power to try and hide it.

I need that freedom. I need him to not be concerned about it happening. I don’t need him to fix it. I just need him to learn about how to help me be grounded and walk through it. I don’t think it is all that complicated. Just be there. Don’t give pat answers. Talk to me…be with me. I don’t know. I just know that I believe we can do this. I really NEED for him to do this with me. I am determined to push through and not be held back. I will keep working on freedom.

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