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Where Should My Focus Be?

August 18, 2008

There is something about myself that I have been working on changing for about the last year now. Recently, I was hit with the realization that I am definitely not there yet. I am much closer than I think I have ever been…but still not there.

What really brought it home for me just recently is that there was something very significant and very important happening to a very dear friend…and I spaced on it. It was not that I totally forgot about it, but I really believe it should have been more in the front of my mind. I was distracted away from it. When this friend brought it up, I had to ask about it because I had spaced on it. That did not feel good…or right. It really pulled me up short.

There are people that Yahweh God has brought into my life. These are people who consider me to be a good friend. They feel close to me. I don’t know why. I feel so messed up and so broken that it is difficult for me to fathom this, but they do. They see my heart. They KNOW me! Sometimes it really amazes me how well they know me.

These are ones I know my heart is safe with. I know that, no matter what I say or do, they will not trample on my heart. They will hang in there and help me to work through whatever is going on…and I think, I hope, they know their hearts are safe with me.

These are the ones who see the shades of gray and are able to ask me questions about myself to help me see more clearly the things I need to see. We are both iron sharpening iron and loving support for one another. I am very blessed to have them in my life.

Soooooo, why am I “neglecting”, for lack of a better word, to invest more time and emotional energy to build up these friendships than I am? That is what I have been looking at for quite a while now. Granted, I have my own life struggles that interfere. They know that. They have their own struggles that they are dealing with, so they understand that. Sure, I do need to push through my own stuff…my own abuse background that tends to interfere with my having trusting close friendships.

However, it is more than that. I believe that I have allowed myself to be distracted away through investing time and emotional energy where I should not have been. It is not that I never should have been. I don’t believe that for one minute. Yet, there can come a time when it is appropriate, and even necessary, to move on…to step away, at least for a bit.

I have been spinning my wheels, as it were, and being drained and distracted. As a result, I have not been investing enough in the very friendships that most benefit from that investment! Shame on me for that. Yes…shame. I looked up the definition. There is nothing wrong with feeling ashamed of our shortcomings and faults. It means that we feel the painful emotion of recognizing that we have blown it. Shame can motivate us to change for the good…and that is what I am working on.

I am going to continue to let go of those things which are distractions that draw me away from the people I should be focused on. I feel good about that. I feel good about the fact that I am so much closer to this goal than I was before. I feel good about the fact that I am able to see it even more clearly now…and that I am able to put more actions to the desire to change. I feel good about the fact that I can have confidence in knowing that my heavenly Abba has been helping me and that He will continue to help me.

It always feels good to know that I am moving in the right direction. I have some art ideas to work on to help me concretely move forward.

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