August 28, 2008

Life has definitely been a challenge and a struggle. I have to admit that there are times when I sure don’t understand what God is doing…or not doing, as the case may be.

I have been writing poetry and having double sessions. I am so grateful to be able to have those double sessions. I seem to be able to get in touch with a lot more than I can in the singles. Singles are better than nothing and it is not like they are unproductive, but I seem to be able to get much farther with the doubles.

My therapist asked me on yesterday…on a scale of 0 – 100, with 0 being “in a hospital” and 100 being “like someone I truly admire for their faith…someone who represents to me the best way to live in faith” (or something along those lines)…where was I two years ago, one year ago and now.

That kind of question is always hard for me to answer. I always see too many variables. Plus, never having been in a mental health hospital and not knowing what it would really be like…and having heard both horror stories and yay stories about hospitals…did not help. However, I took a stab at it.

I thought back to what I was going through and experiencing two years ago and one year ago. I guessed somewhere in the middle…40-50? Then 30-40? Now…0-15/20?

It is hard when I just don’t see myself really doing much better. Now, to be fair, I have been hit with some really hard things in the last 8 years…really hard. Our living environment is not helping…nor is a lack of hands on in person “church” support. I also have to take into consideration how well I actually AM doing, in spite of all those things.

Still, it feels like I am drowning. I have been feeling overwhelmed. I don’t really know what to do other than to just keep on plugging along…pushing ahead…one foot in front of the other.

Please feel free to share your thoughts.

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