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Being Stretched, PTSD and Letting Go

September 6, 2008

Life can be very stretching. I simply cannot do it without the help of my Creator. I can’t. If that makes me “weak” in some people’s eyes…oh well. I think the strongest people are the ones who are able to admit their weakness. I am weak. I am fragile. I am learning how to take better care of myself.

I am learning how to let go of things…and yes, even people…when trying to hang onto them results in my becoming even more fragile. When I see myself becoming less functioning, when I see my PTSD rising, I need to pay attention. I used to think so many things and people were worth fighting for. Now, I am learning to choose my battles more wisely. I am learning to entrust things and people more into Yahweh God’s hands. I am learning.

My whole life I have been paying the price for other people’s actions…for their cruelty and their abuse. Although no one is abusing me now, I am still fragile enough that I can end up paying the price for the things others do and say. I am learning how to take better care of myself…not in anger…but actually in love. Love for myself and for the other person. Above all…love for the One who made me.

Many years ago, God strongly impressed upon me that He has given me a gift…it is the gift of who I am in Him. I am responsible for taking good care of that gift. I am learning how to better do that. At that time, it meant setting a boundary that would have long lasting consequences. Today, it means continuing to learn what boundaries I need to set and how to keep them.

It also means learning what I can and cannot do. Sometimes, my expectations of myself are not realistic. I need to learn how to know what God’s expectations are of me…not my own…and certainly not others’. I answer to God alone…as will each of us. I am not here to judge another…nor are they here to judge me.

As much as is possible, I want to live in peace with all. However, sometimes it is not possible…and it is OK to acknowledge that. God tells us to live in peace with all so much as it is in our power to do so. I have learned that it is not in my power to live in peace with all. I can be OK with that.

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