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Stuffing Things and Flashbacks

September 6, 2008

I have been stuffing things inside for too long, too. Being very busy not only encourages that, but it also makes it harder to do. I know…that sounds contradictory. It takes a lot of energy to stuff. Busyness also takes a lot of energy.

So, busyness encourages stuffing because there is no time to deal with things. Yet, it also drains me to the point that it makes stuffing much more difficult. So, as soon as things let up…like at night…boy do I feel all the stuff that I have been trying to stuff surging up to the surface.

I have been “seeing” more in the sense of visual flashbacks. I have been starting to get hit with emotional pain a bit more…although not nearly to the degree I would expect. At night I find myself tending to feel more and more little. I have no real outlet for the little side of me. So, that side of me pushes it way out when it can.

Stuffing may keep me going for awhile…but I am not “going” very well. It is harder to think straight if I am stuffing. It is more difficult to function…even though I am not coming to a screeching halt. I find that I am fighting to keep from shutting down. There are times when I just want to sit and do nothing. I want to be alone…with my thoughts…and my feelings…and yes, with my flashbacks. I want to be able to process them and work through them and let them out. Alas, there is no time…but more importantly…there is no place.

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