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Holding in Hurts

November 20, 2008

I am realizing that I am still holding hurts inside from some things that I had hoped that I had moved beyond. There are times when I will see, hear or read something that reminds me that I have unresolved issues with some friends. (I hope they don’t mind that I still call them friends.)

I really wish I could resolve the issues, but I just don’t know how. I tried and it only got worse. It has been my experience that if I have to explain more than two (maybe three) times what it is that I really said, think or feel, then there is this tendency to be perceived as being defensive.

So, I gave up. I chose to walk away. Some might see it as “running away”, but I can truly say that I did not give up easily. Sometimes, you just have to admit defeat…and walk away. Admitting defeat is not something I do easily. If anything, I will fight against admitting that I am beaten by something.

God tells us to live at peace with all people, so much as it is in our power to do so. I don’t know that any of us likes to admit that we are powerless in a situation. I know I don’t. Clearly, though, there are times when we truly are powerless, or else that statement would not be there. In this situation of powerlessness, I believe that it was wisest to walk away…to let it go…until God opens a door to do otherwise.

I knew that moving on would not be easy, but I felt it was best, for my sake as well as theirs. For the most part, I tell myself that it does not really matter. Some day, I believe we will all be together again, even if not in this life. At that point, none of this will even matter anymore. It will all be forgotten. That is my comfort.

Yet, I find myself reminded. I find myself grieving and feeling other things, too? I guess I really need to work on identifying those other feelings…and their underlying causes. I know that there are other things I am also grieving and I think it all runs together at times.

I need to not hold in the pain. I need to recognize it, embrace it and work through it. I need to be able to let it go. I wonder…is that possible? Is it possible to never be reminded of the pain of something. Perhaps it is, IF I can get to the underlying messages that I am believing as a result of the situation(s).

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