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Various Thoughts on My Life Right Now

February 10, 2009

Things have been feeling a little crazier than usual around here. I suppose it could have to do with contacting my parents…via email. Not sure. I am processing things they have written…and not written. My mother tried to lay a guilt trip on me, butI am not buying into it. My father, although he is the one who finally responded to my test emails from the middle of last year, apparently does not want to communicate with me. His responses were one and two word answers with no subject line or anything to even indicate what question he was answering. Fine.

He has never admitted what he has done…well, what he says he does not remember doing. I guess it is kind of difficult to admit to something you don’t remember. However, he could at least express concern over the fact that his daughter remembers these things. I don’t think he really cares. He expresses no interest in me whatsoever. The last communications we had years ago, he accused me of all sorts of things.

As for my mother, I am not sure where she is coming from. She worded things rather strangely. Is she trying to set off programming? Possibly. Or maybe she is just trying to be different? Perhaps she is just walking on eggshells, but I don’t really sense any love or true caring coming from her, either. Oh, well.

I suspect it is still all about my son. Who cares about me? I am just the one in between them and him. *sigh* Do we ever stop wishing that our parents really loved us and that we had a normal childhood? I mean, on the surface, we can think we have it handled, but deep down inside…is it really?

I was supposed to have t tomorrow, but I canceled it since hubs only worked a half day today. Apparently, this is the time of year when things start slowing down with the kind of work he does. I just could not justify spending the money, even though it was a discounted rate. I pushed it off for two more weeks, but I don’t really know if it will make any difference in our financial situation. We may be just as broke. And quite frankly, I am just not sure how comfortable I am with him anymore. I don’t know. He does not really understand SRA. Things just feel weird between him and I and I am unable to explain why. It is probably just me, but I really should at least email him and tell him how I feel….even if I can’t really put it into words.

I really wish I could find a pastor or someone like that to work with. Someone who understands SRA and DID. Is there someone like that in our area? I don’t know. I guess I would just have to start calling around to find out. Then again, if they said they understood…would I even trust them? Dare I trust them? I really think I mostly just need someone to bounce things off of…someone who understands. It does not need to be a therapist or professional, but it sure would help if they would be accepting and understanding.

I wrote a couple of poems. That always feels good. One is about longing for spring and the other is about dissociation.

My sister’s birthday is this month. She has been dead for almost 8 years now. It still effects me when I think of her. I guess being in contact with my parents is kind of…hmmm…not sure I have a word for it to explain the connection between being in contact with my parents and her birthday coming up. When I think of her, I think of her death. I think of the timing and of the weirdness of it. Sometimes I start to get in touch with being angry about it.

I really need the time, space and privacy to do art work. I know I can go to the church and use an empty room. However, that involves about a 20 plus minute drive each way, plus gas and planning. Still, the offer is open. I don’t know. It can be hard to plan being in the right frame of mind. Plus, someone still has to keep an eye on my son. I don’t know. I guess it is possible. I have to think about it. I know that a lot can be expressed and worked through with art. I also want to get back into doing collages and things on my pc. Time. Time. Time. I need more time.

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