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Dear Mom and Dad…Number 3

February 15, 2009

I really wish I could express to you what is on my heart. I really do…but I really doubt that you would believe me. Not, that is, unless you have really changed since we last spoke and saw each other. At that time, you said that I was lying. You even went on to say that I had been lying for years about just about everything. So, I guess since you believe that I am a liar then it really does no good to try and communicate with you…does it? If everything I say is suspect, why bother saying anything at all?

Well, even if I am unable to write this to you directly, it does not change the fact that I have always loved you. And however imperfectly, I have respected you. I know…you don’t believe that. What can I say? I know you have said that I broke the commandment to honor your father and mother. Hmmm…what about the commandment to fathers not to provoke your children to anger? Was I not your child?

I know, mom, that it is written to fathers, but don’t you think it is meant for mothers, too? Was I not supposed to get angry when you would “discipline” me with a narrow belt or metal clothes hanger until your anger was spent? When, in so doing, I was told not to cry out, not to resist, not to try to get away? When I was told, basically, to just lie there and take it?

I remember being sent to get dad’s narrowest belt from your closet. The narrower ones hurt more. How I dreaded having to get it. What did I do that warranted that kind of punishment? If I tried to talk to you about it, you would become enraged. If I cried too loudly in the punishment, your anger would be kindled beyond, I believe, even your control. What did I do to deserve that kind of anger? What was my crime? I didn’t vacuum? What??? With rare exceptions, I honored your curfews. I tried to do what I was told, even when I hated it. What did I do, mom, to deserve being hit with a belt or hanger until your anger was spent? I would sure like to know. I was the daughter people used to compliment you on.

Actually, perhaps the better question is this: what horrible things were done to you, mom, that caused you to have all the built up anger inside of you? Or, what were you going through at that time that made you feel it so necessary to have that kind of power over me? I don’t remember at what age you gave up trying to hit me with a belt or hanger…but I know this…I was in High School. Yep, you were punishing me like that even when I was in High School.

Dad, what about the command to remain true to your wife? Surely you cannot tell me that you were right to incest your daughters? Oh, yeah, that’s right…you “don’t remember” incesting me. How can our relationship be healed if you don’t remember the things you have done? How can it be healed if we cannot talk freely about things?

You have said that I have not forgiven you. Forgiven you of what? The things you say you don’t remember doing? I see no acknowledgment…no repentance…no asking for forgiveness. I don’t even see any concern on your part for me at all.

Supposing for a moment that nothing really happened…aren’t you in the least bit concerned that these memories have cropped up? Sadly, just like with mom…it is all about you and never about me. All you have seemed to care about is yourself. You don’t care how I am doing. You don’t care about what might have happened that could be causing these memories to surface. And no, I have not been hypnotized, took no psychotropic drugs and did not even see that counselor until AFTER the memories started to come up. So no, dad…they were not suggested or implanted. They came unbidden and I held them in my heart for several years pondering what to do, if anything, about them.

I find it so interesting that, when confronted about the incest, even mom said that she was SURE SOMEthing had happened. She just couldn’t figure out who could have done it. Duhhhhh!!! Could it possibly be that she too overwhelmed with the horror of it making it so that she simply could not believe it was you?

And no, contrary to another lie you have chosen to believe about me, I have NOT been in therapy all my life! It amazes me how many lies you can weave about me, whilst calling me the liar. You have said that I just used you both for years, manipulating you both. Hmmm…do you not see that is exactly what you have both done with us? Even if it were true…who do you think taught us how to do that in the first place???

So, where do we go from here? I have no clue. I am a very forgiving person, yet, according to you, there seems to be nothing for me to forgive. I don’t see you, mom, ever acknowledging the manipulating, the coercion, the game playing, the abuse. I don’t see you, dad, ever acknowledging the lies, the false accusations, the manipulation, the abuse, the coercion.

And that is just what I know/remember about me. How about sis? Oy vey, that is a whole other subject…isn’t it? You see, I’ve figured it out. I started to remember.  And I still love you both. No, it is not inbred programmed loyalty. It is the love of Yeshua through me. Maybe it always has been. I just don’t think I have had it on my own to love anyone. I think it has always been Yeshua’s love through me…ever since I first met Him at four years of age.

Are you able to receive love? Do you want to receive real love? He is the only Source of true and real love that I know. Please turn to Him. Please give Him all of yourself. He can take all the yuck and make you clean. He will forgive you, if you but ask Him. Please do that. I don’t want you to spend eternity without Him.

Love,

your daughter

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