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Recent Thoughts on Living

March 12, 2009

My living situation is a major struggle. I am losing my ability to cope with it and am starting to have periods of “losing it”. I am experiencing crying jags, along with other signs of stress. My ability to hide how I really feel is diminishing. This is forcing me to open up a bit with others.

As I have started to do that, I am finding love and support. People do genuinely care. I know they wish they could help…that they could physically do something. Just being supportive, though, is a huge thing for me.

I do not share  my struggles easily…not in person anyway. It is much easier to be vulnerable on line, although that can also be a real challenge. It is especially hard to be vulnerable with certain kinds of people and/or in certain places. I am having to learn when it is safe to be vulnerable and when it is not. Hmm…I guess what I am trying to say is that I just sometimes don’t feel as if I have the emotional strength to deal with other people’s insensitivity or blunders. I really need to be very careful…to be guarded, as it were, because I am so emotionally and mentally drained.

In all of this, there is one thing that I do know…Yahweh is always with me. He will never leave me or forsake me. Somehow…some way…He will get me through this. He has gotten me through worse than this. It is not that my living situation is that bad…it is just that it is that stressful.

I badly need solitude…and there is none. It is rare, in fact next to never, that I actually get time when I am alone and not responsible for anyone or anything…that I am without the possibility of being interrupted. On the rare occasions that I do get such a time, there is so much I need to do with that time that it is just not enough.

So, I just keep on struggling. I just keep on trying to put one foot in front of another…day after day. I may feel like I am going to break and am not going to make it…but I truly believe, deep down inside, that I will make it through. No matter what happens, I will still love and serve Yahweh. He is the One True God and nothing can ever change that.

Some day, this life will be over. Some day, there will be no more stress…no more tears, no more flashbacks, no more sorrow, no more pain. Some day, it will be all good.

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