The Price of Caring

March 26, 2009

Caring means hurting. When I allow myself to get close to someone…when I allow myself to really care about someone, then I run the risk of hurting for them when they hurt. I give love and I receive love. And I feel pain for them.

There are so many that I know online. I care about them all. It is my nature to do so. It is a puzzle to me that I seem to be hardwired to care and yet, when I really need to, I can walk away from people. Not that it is easy, mind you. It is just that I am able to do it. And sometimes…it is even easy. Why is that? Why is it that I can care so deeply about someone and then just walk away when I have to…seemingly without caring?

I think maybe it is a self -protective kind of thing. I think I get too overwhelmed and then I  need to pull that wall up around me. It is very rare that I actually walk away from anyone. Life has events that have forced separation for me from certain ones in a physical sense. I have only walked away from one person physically, that I can think of…and it was a protective measure as she was triggering suicidal programming. All of my other physical separations have been due to moving…either the other person…or me.

I don’t really get that close to people face to face. There was one friend who I did get close to and we kept in touch off and on even as we moved away from each other. Eventually, we just slowly disconnected. She did not have a pc and that contributed as it is so much easier to stay in touch when you can kick emails off to each other. Over the years, I have thought of calling her. She has no idea where I am now. Each time I think of it, though, I get this thought in my mind that she is most likely a cult survivor, too, and possibly still being accessed. I just get this hesitation…so I never call her.

As I look back on my life, I had very few really close friends, except for one family of which I was part of the many membered “extended” family. Of my closest friends, at least two were definitely cult survivors and one probably is. Of the “family” I was “adopted” into, I don’t think any of them were. I really miss them, too. I miss all of my in person friends, but I miss that family the most and I have the one friend I miss the most I know is still in bondage to the cult.  I love them all. It brings tears to my eyes to think of them.

Online friends are easier to stay in touch with. Technology seems to make it easier to get closer to one another. I am not sure why that is. Perhaps, it is the anonymity? We don’t see each other and you don’t have the voice and eye connection…just words on a page. Yet, I have online friends that I have blessed to meet in person. That was truly awesome.

Circumstances have come between some of us. There are instances where I have had to separate myself from some. It was hard…but people change…including me. Sometimes…there are just people you have to let go of in life. At least, with my sisters in Yeshua, I have the hope of seeing them again…in a place where issues don’t get in the way and there are no more walls of brokenness to bump into.

Sometimes, I just feel overwhelmed. One of the things about technology is that we are able to stay in touch with so many more people. That can really eat up time and energy that it used to be a person would spend on other things. I am not so sure it is good to try and stay in touch with so many people. I care deeply for others. When they hurt…I hurt for them.

That is the price of caring. The more friends…the greater the likelihood that they are hurting…especially if they are survivor friends. The more they hurt…the more I eventually hurt for them…because I care…because I love them.

The price of caring is worth it!!!!

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