Filling Out Forms

April 4, 2009

OK…so do you ever have days when you just struggle so hard to do something? This morning was like that. It was a technical problem with our PC’s and a recent upgrade. Needless to say…I was in tears. I get really tired of it being so difficult at times to deal with things. I like being able to pick up the telephone and call the company and get help. Instead, they make you, use chats, send email or fill out forms and jump through hoops. Some things are just not that easily explained in a “chat”  or email or online form.

Forms…oh, how I HATE to fill out forms or paperwork of any kind. It is not just that I hate the inconvenience. For whatever reason, I find them to be triggering. I see forms and I just want to shut down. It is like I suddenly feel like this little child who is totally overwhelmed and who does not know what to do.

Hmmm…I wonder if there is a memory tied to this somewhere inside. There has to be a reason why I react so strongly to filling out forms. There seems to be a switch taking place. Why? There are times when I am literally sailing into a panic attack. I usually keep it hidden, although sometimes I do end up silent tears which I surreptitiously try to wipe away because I feel like such a baby. It is embarrassing.

I know one thing about forms that is very triggering…asking anything about my growing up years or the past. Any time I try to think about the past, I go blank. Emotions start to roll over me. It is a place that I still cannot go easily. There are so many things buried behind a shroud of fog…things I cannot consciously remember or see. Apparently, though, some part of me can see something or else the emotions would not be there.

Of course, there is also the embarassment of being put on the spot. If someone needs something filled out right now and I need time to get calm and process whatever the heck is going on inside of me…well, I end feeling about one inch tall and I want so badly to just become invisible.

I may have to apply for Food Stamps. The very thought starts a battle raging inside. At least I do know where some of that battle is coming from…or should I say where some of that fear is coming from. For that is exactly what it is…fear. Amplified fear. Compounded until it grows so big that it feels as if it will choke me.

Hmmm…did someone say Post Traumatic Stress???

One comment

  1. Keeping you and your family in prayer… I can relate to going blank… at the seemingliy easiest things that are necessary, I freeze up and can become overwhelmed. I am learning to roll with the feelings of powerlessness without obsessing compulsively about them and working myself up… it is sometimes not easy.

    It helps me to focus on the doing rather than keying in on all the emotions that are swirling around. It is progress for me.
    I too can share the feelings that rise up when thinking about the past and tend to shy away from things that dredge it up. But I think that we can grow ourselves, and overcome our obstacles… how thankful am I that in Christ, I am more than the sum of my parts?


Please feel free to share your thoughts.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

<span>%d</span> bloggers like this: