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More Thoughts on Mothers’ Day

May 10, 2009

Mother’s Day always holds mixed feelings for me. There are many things I regret about the way I have parented my sons. I really sought out to be a great mom. All I had to go on when my first child was born was that I knew the way I was raised was not good. I really wasn’t sure what was good. So, I read books on parenting…and I prayed.

It’s kind of funny how my ex, when we were married, used to always buy things for the boys to give me for this day. He always made a big deal out of it. Yet, he also disrespected me incredibly to them. What a mixed bag. Of course, after the divorce, it all came to a stop…the Mother’s Day stuff, I mean, not the disrespecting. That just kept going.

I love it when I get a call from my older ones, but they don’t always remember to do it. I typically try to just shrug it off. After all, I was no prize of a mom myself. But there are some things I did do. I loved them. I stood by them. While I did not tell them the whole truth, I did try to be truthful in what I did tell them. I didn’t play head games with them like their father did when he lied to them.

And then there is my own mother. How close can we be in a generational cult family? I am in extremely limited contact with her…via email only. I actually made a photo card with wording that I emailed to her. Nothing about Mother’s Day specifically…or about her birthday, which is also close by. But I did want to wish her a good day. I am trying to reach out to my parents, but I am very cautious as I don’t really think anything has changed. I guess I mostly just want them to know that I am not totally closed to them…should they actually wake up and desire some healing. I don’t know…it is rather mixed up for me right now. I just want to do what’s right…what is honorable…without compromising my safety. That is not always an easy thing to determine.

So, I will just keep praying and seeking Yahweh for what the safest and best thing to do is according to His will and purpose for me here on this earth. I have seen Him protect me in supernatural ways. I must keep trusting Him for that while not being needlessly foolish. (Some foolishness, sadly, might come naturally.)

So, there you have it…some more thoughts on Mothers’ Day.  I guess I will always grieve over what I could have had…over what I did have…over what I could have been…over what I have been…over what I wish I could be…over what I am. I will also keep seeking to grow and allow my Abba to change me into what He has created me to be. In the end, maybe I will become a better wife, mother and grandmother. I sure hope so.

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