June 9, 2009

I am SO busy. It really bugs me that I cannot get everything done that I want to do. Somehow, I need to figure out what to let go of. That is always so hard. I hope that I can find some balance without having give up anything precious. I love the things I do…well, most of them anyway.

I wonder if that is a human nature kind of thing…or a survivor thing…taking on too much. It amazes me how busy I can get. My life is basically pretty simple. It is not even that I take on that much. It is just that the few things I need to do take a lot of time. I am going to have to work on it and then get back here.

Overall, I am doing fairly well. The weather here gets to me sometimes. I am allergic to something here that tends to make me feel ill…so that does not help.  It drains me and makes it even harder to get things done.

I am at peace. I guess that is the most important thing. I have been in contact with my parents sporadically by email. Lately, it has increased. I was hoping that things had changed, but they don’t appear to. It can be difficult to say. After all, I know they have their hurts, too. I cannot blame them for that.

I like transparency, but that is one thing that I cannot have with them. I have never told them that I remember the ritual abuse. Why should I? My father denies the incest. Why on earth would I expect him to admit to the RA? My parents still seem to be angry at me. Oh, well. It would be nice if they were not, but there is nothing I can do about that.

I am not going to tell them that it was all a mistake. Even if I was totally wrong (which I do not believe for a minute), there are enough things indicated within their actions, behaviours and words to cause me to put up huge walls and draw some serious boundaries.

I feel for them. I truly do. I do not hate them. They are victims, too. I do not know if they will ever be free. I do not know if they are ready to face what they have done. I do not know if they are able to really fall upon the grace of a forgiving God (Yahweh). The things we have to do are so horrific. I really don’t know how I would have faced any of it without Yahweh being right there with me. Without Yeshua/Jesus, I simply could not have done it. I am just not that strong. I truly believe there is a lot more that I need to face…and I will…when the time is right. It will be hard, but I know what to do with it.

Today is a good day. I am alive. I am breathing and reasonably healthy. I am free. I know…I have limitations, but I am still free inside. Yes, I sometimes experience intense emotional pain, but it is much better than it was. It comes in cycles and, right now, I am doing pretty good. I am going through some tough life things, but I am actually handling them pretty well. I feel good about that.

Please feel free to share your thoughts.

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