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Sometimes…

September 26, 2009

Sometimes…I just want to scream…or cry…or curl up in a ball…or…something!

Sometimes…I don’t know what I am feeling…sad…mad…resigned…hurt…wounded…apathetic…or…something.

I get tired of this life. I get tired of being wounded. I get tired of struggling…of feeling alone…of others just not getting it and me being unable to help them get it…or fearful to even try because they might think I am as weird as I sometimes feel.

Yet…in all of this…I do know who I am…well, in the big picture anyway. I am kind of clueless at times as to all of my inner workings in the here and now. But in eternity…in the big picture…I know I am the Creator’s. I know He loves me and will take me Home someday. Oh, how I sometimes long to go there.

No more PTSD. No more tears. No more sickness. No more dying. No more abuse. A place of peace and wonder and real, genuine, honest-to-goodness love between people…perfect love. No more wondering where I stand with anyone. No more wondering if my parents even desire any kind of relationship with me…or if they are even able to have one. No more wondering if they…or anyone else…is really safe.

I will continue to hope…even when it feels as if there is nothing to hope for. My emotions can lie to me. I know the truth and I choose to live in it…even when it is hard…or difficult. Life all comes down to choices. Will I live for the One who created me? Or will I live for myself? Will I love others? Or only myself? Will I give? Or will I only take?

I will continue to put one foot in front of another. I will take each day as it comes. I will life on the Creator’s terms…not on my own.

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3 comments

  1. May the God of hope bless you and keep you in His loving arms! I can’t thank you enough for sharing your sincere thoughts and being a flicker of light in a dark world filled with confusion, fear, and desperation! Only God can make a person who’s been through as much as you have have hope like you do.

    Believing,

    Estera.


    • Wow, Estera! Thank you for sharing that. It is my heart’s hope that what I share…that my transparency…will help others in some way. I look forward to checking out your blog, too.

      Shalom,
      One Survivor


  2. Thank you for stopping by and leaving the comment. You asked me if I took the pictures that I use in my blog; I didn’t. I love photography and I’m planning on buying a professional camera in the future. Until then, I like to admire beautiful pictures shot by people who already have one. I get them from http://www.deviantart.com. Let me know if you will find the site helpful.

    Your sister in Christ,

    Estera.

    PS: I’m really thankful to God for having you as a dear friend who shares the same faith, journey, and hope in the One who is alive!



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