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Tough Time of Year and Survivor Guilt

October 14, 2009

This is always a tough time of year. Knowing what I do about what goes on around this time of year…well, it is really hard to just skate through it. In some ways, I am effected less. In other ways, more.

I was doing pretty well…or so I thought. I don’t know if it just crept up on me…or if the rest of life just combined with it to kind of push me over the edge a bit. I find that I have been battling some depression lately…and I am teary. There are things in my life that could certainly cause that…aside from being a ritual abuse survivor. However, I really cannot assume that the RA stuff does not also impact me.

I find it interesting that I feel almost guilty when I feel OK during this time of year…when I am able to push aside my survivor issues and just enjoy life. It almost feels as if I am betraying the ones who will die this year…the ones who will be abused and tortured…the ones who will be filmed and sold. They deserve to be remembered…to be prayed for. So…when I feel better…I almost feel as if that is a betrayal of them.

Yet…could it not actually be an honoring of them…in the sense that at least one of us got out and conquered. Well, not conquered exactly…but was able to find joy and at least be able to somewhat function? I don’t know. These are just the things I am thinking of…the things I am feeling.

I love this season…but hate this time of year. I love the colors and smells, but hate what is going on in hidden places where people do not want to see.

Survivor guilt. Why should I make it out? Why should I be able to enjoy life? Yet…it is in the enjoyment of life…in spite of my history…that, perhaps, my truest victory lies. I win when I can enjoy any aspect of life…any at all. I win when I can enjoy my freedom…instead of being bound to them…instead of being their slave. I win! So, why can’t I just enjoy the winning? Because I know others are still suffering.

Many who have broken free from the cult groups still suffer in body and soul. Many have not broken free and they definitely still suffer. My own sister never really made it out. Do I celebrate life in her honor? Yes. Still…I cannot help but feel some guilt. At least…I think it is called guilt. I just know I struggle with having too much knowledge. Ignorance, though, is not safe. *sigh*

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4 comments

  1. Hi there. I’m a survivor of ritual abuse, too, and this time of year is definitely hard. There’s nothing I or anyone can say to make it all better. What I *can* say is you’re not alone. I don’t think people realise how hard survival can be, especially when you’ve made it out. At least when you’re in, you know the rules. Take care of yourself! I’ll keep you in mind during these difficult days.


    • Thank you for your kind words, englishrain.


  2. […] October 31st is the highest “sabbath” for the satanic realm. The months leading up to that are involved with selection and preparation of the children who will die during the days surrounding that day. Yes…it is more difficult to just enjoy life when I know that is going on. And when I CAN push that aside? Well…then I start to feel guilty for being able to do that…as if I am somehow betraying those who still suffer or who will die at the hands of the cults. That is what led to the post Tough Time of Year and Survivor Guilt. […]


  3. […] reading Tough Time of Year and Survivor Guilt, a dear friend asked me a question: is it difficult to EVER let yourself be happy and carefree? She […]



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