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Finding Joy in Life, Part 2

October 26, 2009

This is continuing from Finding Joy in Life, Part 1.

But let’s get back to whether or not I can be happy and carefree…whether I can just enjoy life. Yes…I can…with limitations. My current living situation is extremely draining. That definitely makes it harder to enjoy life…but not impossible. Again…so much depends upon attitude. At times, I have to really work at finding things to be grateful for and to enjoy about life, but I do.

The biggest struggle, though, comes from what I know about what is going on in the world. Once I started to get my SRA memories back, that really changed things for me. Ironically, I already knew a lot of what was going on, but now it was personal. It is more difficult to ignore it.

I have survivor friends who suffer far more than I…at least to my way of thinking. They might disagree with me, but I think I have a pretty strong argument in my favor. Add to that the fact that I am way more aware of what is happening out there in the realm of ritual abuse. This is especially the case during this time of year.

October 31st is the highest “sabbath” for the satanic realm. The months leading up to that are involved with selection and preparation of the children who will die during the days surrounding that day. Yes…it is more difficult to just enjoy life when I know that is going on. And when I CAN push that aside? Well…then I start to feel guilty for being able to do that…as if I am somehow betraying those who still suffer or who will die at the hands of the cults. That is what led to the post Tough Time of Year and Survivor Guilt.

I am also aware of the fact that this area is filled with a lot of cult activity. There is a Masonic lodge in almost every single town…even the tiny ones. Most towns were founded by high ranking Masons. It is ironic that it should bother me so much here seeing as how, where I lived before, I was only about 5 to 10 minutes away from a Masonic compound. And I do mean compound, complete with keypad locks and Constantina wire on top of the fence. Gee whiz…wonder what they would need that kind of security for!

Perhaps it is also because we are so rural here. Being rural gives us privacy…sort of (we are not THAT rural), but it also causes me to feel more vulnerable. Here…like back there…I have to trust my Creator for protection…a protection I have actually seen Him do more than once.

I have always been very aware of the darkness, but there are times and places in which I am more sensitive to it. There are times and places in which my PTSD is felt more…when I am triggered more easily. It is during those times and in those places where it is more difficulty to just feel at ease and enjoy life. However, that does not mean that it is impossible to feel a deep inner sense of peace and joy. Although I may feel the strains of this life, I do have the joy and peace of knowing what is coming in the next. I know that my Lord and Creator walks with me through all of this…even when the PTSD is raging.

I have had to write this over several days with LOTS of interruptions, so…I hope this makes sense! I know that I have covered a LOT of different things in these two posts…things that probably should really have whole posts in themselves. If I can find the time, perhaps I will write more about those individual things. In the meantime, others are welcome to comment or ask questions. I welcome discussion and ideas for more posts.

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4 comments

  1. I am sorry for your SRA history and problems with this time of year, which we share. I think it’s remarkable that you can be having bad experiences from this time of year and yet still keep hope for the “joys” in life. This is, to me, where healing comes from. Good for you. Paul


    • Thanks for coming by, Paul. Sad to hear that our experiences are in common.

      I think you make a good point about healing coming from keeping that hope for joys in life. Hope is very powerful and helps us to keep on going when life gets really tough.


  2. Thanks for reminding me to look for the joy. Sometimes, i forget.


    • Hi, Terrybear! This is something I have had to train myself to do all throughout my life. I believe it is one of the things that not only helped me to survive, but also helped me to find joy in the darkest of times. I see purposing to find joy as a gift to myself…when I am not struggling with guilt over feeling joy while others still suffer.

      Bonnie over at SOS Survivor Blog (link to the right) wrote that she thinks we need to model a joy filled life to those who suffer. If I remember correctly, she wrote that it is something that can give them hope that they, too, can someday experience joy.



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