Not Sure What’s Up

February 24, 2010

I’m not sure what’s up. I just feel blue and emotional…like I want to cry. I really wish I had a private place where I could go to just “be”. In this situation, I always have to be “on”. There is no room I can go into…no door I can shut. I just keep praying and trusting that this is not setting me back on my healing. I keep praying that I am somehow at least maintaining…even if I don’t feel as if I am moving forward.

There are so many things I miss…like doing art and being able to write poetry. Oh…it’s not that I have nothing, but not what I would really like to have. I did find Wordle, but it isn’t really my choice. It is a program that runs for me. Writing can be very difficult because of all the distractions. Poetry writing is even harder. I know this will pass.

I want to heal. I want to move forward. I want the freedom to express my emotions and to just be. So many times I tend to feel locked up inside…and, basically, helpless to do much of anything about it. There are physical constraints that I can do nothing about. I must be patient. I must keep trusting…and that is just what I choose to do. I will not give up. I refuse to give up.


  1. Have you tried going to a library… I find them such safe places. Especially when you can find a quiet corner, they force you into a place of self-reflection.

  2. I have thought about that, Paul. Thing is…our library is still very public. 😦 There is corner area that is kind of private, but anyone can come along at any time. I need a place where I can also express whatever I need to express…know what I mean?

    I want to be able to talk out loud if I want…to sing…to do art…to sit and moan or rock back and forth…to cry. These are things for which any public place is not conducive.

    I can go to our “church” building and hole away in a room, but it just feels awkward. There is also the factor that any place I could go is at least 20 minutes away…plus gas. I guess it really all goes back to trusting. I am counting down the days until the weather changes enough to start building a dwelling.

    Thanks for your suggestion. It means a lot to know you have read and care. 🙂

  3. Even though you are feeling blue, I wanted to let you know that you bring light into my life. I think you are an amazing woman full of so much courage. I nominated you for a sunshine award.


    • I am honored, Sheena. Sure don’t think I deserve it. Thank you.

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