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The Cost of Reality

March 13, 2010

The Cost of Reality

I reach out my hand.
Can you even begin to see
or understand
how very hard it is for me
to be in your world?

Can you sense the shaking
and trembling inside
as I wonder when and how
I am going to stumble?
When I will say or do
something that
makes me look stupid?
When my amnesia and
abuse effected mind will
trip me up?

Do you realize how hard it is
for me to try and look
“normal”?
To try and look as if I am
comfortable and OK
in your world?

Are you aware that I am not even
really IN your world?
That I struggle in a world
all my own?

Do you know how hard it is
to trust
that you are really
what I see?
That there is not something
else going on?

Do you have any idea
how much energy it takes
to be bravely hopeful
and always vigilant?
To wonder if
your friendship
is the “real deal”
or just another setup?
To be ever watchful
for the cue
that lets me know
that you might be
betraying me?
Or that your actions and words
are only out of
some sense
of duty?

Do you know how much
I HATE
feeling the way I do?
How much I HATE
knowing that I will always be
suspicious…even if only
subconsciously?

Do you understand the
cost
to me when I persist in trying to
trust you?
When I persist in trying to
let you in?
Do you know how much my
not walking away says
about how much I
value
your friendship?
I hope you do.

copyrighted April 12, 2009

I am grateful that I am not consciously aware of this as much anymore. Still, it does come up. It is difficult for me to make real friends in person. Although I am thankful for the ones I do have, my reality is that I still hide much of myself… even from them.

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10 comments

  1. What a beautiful, soulful, moving poem. You have expressed your feelings well.

    Lindsey Petersen
    http://5kidswdisabilities.wordpress.com


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  3. Wow. Yes. Thank you for posting this. God bless you for sharing your heart. You have no idea how poignant this and all of your words are.


    • It is not easy, sometimes, to share stuff like this. It is raw and I feel vulnerable.


    • I think when we are at our rawest, our most vulnerable, when we feel like we have nothing within or nothing to give and are left grasping threads, our words have capacity for the fullest healing and life ~ because this is where He is in His glory, spitting into mud and applying clay to our blindnesses, tenderly tracing the contours and cracks of our vesseled soul with bloodstained fingers, transforming darkness and lightness with His true dark and true light. Because as we cling to Him in the unknown, He is made known.


      • Your words are so full of life. Thank you. I really need that today.


  4. Thank you for posting! What a great poem. Why do you say that you are grateful to not be consciously aware of this now? It seems that being so would be where you want to be, no? Or are you saying that you don’t have these struggles much now? That I get.

    Have you read Elia Wise’s “For Children Who Were Broken”? This is immediately what came to mind when I read yours.

    Thanks again

    Paul


    • Hi, Paul, I just looked up that poem. Wow! It is very powerful…very poignant…a real heart grabber. I take it as a compliment that mine brought hers to mind for you.

      What I meant was that I am not as aware of the struggle. Sometimes that is because I am more confident in my ability to assess what is going on and to know the value I have…regardless of whether others see it. I don’t know if the struggle has lessened…or if I am just able to ignore it to the degree that I am less aware of it.

      I do struggle with connecting with others. I long to have at least one friendship where I can be fully and completely me…but I just don’t see that happening. There are those who I hope I will be able to get that close to, but I really don’t know that I could ever let the walls down that much…that I could ever trust enough to be that vulnerable.

      So, I guess I am saying that the suspiciousness…the distrust and fear…are mostly subconscious at this point…if they are still there. I am able to ignore them. When they get triggered to the conscious level…I am scrambling and am a social mess…questioning EVERYthing I see and hear and feel…even from those I was finally starting to trust. It is an awful place to be and I really do HATE it when I am in that place.

      I have more hope now for at least some level of friendship…even if I cannot reveal all of me…than I used to have. And that is OK. It is progress.

      Does that answer your question?


  5. […] The Cost of Reality, I share how I used to feel almost all the time. For a huge part of my life I rarely, ever felt […]



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