Pain and Helplessness

March 20, 2010

It is so hard to read about the pain of others and feel so helpless…unable to contribute anything that I feel is of any real value. I can say that I care…and I truly do. Sometimes I care to the point of tears and feeling empathetic pain for them, but I am helpless to do anything other than to say that I care…and pray for them.

I recently read about a little girl who, I believe, is multiple. Because she is deaf, it makes it a lot harder to deal with what appears (to me, anyway) to be an insider’s total meltdown. I felt I really did not have anything constructive to offer in that moment when I read it. I was deeply touched…and maybe even a little bit triggered. So I wrote a few words of support, but felt pretty helpless. Someone else came along, thankfully, who wrote openly about multiplicity and he offered some constructive counsel for the poor adoptive mom of this little girl. I hope it helps…I really do.

I went to that man’s blog to read for a wee bit. He is married to a woman who has DID. It is a bit difficult to keep track of who is who, but I think I got a basic understanding. But, as I read, questions popped up. Some of my questions were based upon concerns and some upon curiosity. Now, before I get judged on my curiosity…I am not talking about curiosity for the sake of curiosity.  I am talking about curiosity because it touches on something that I connect to. Curiosity born out of my own pain.

This is a husband who needs support in his situation. Yet, he seems to have found something that works for him and his wife and “his girls”…as he calls them. Is what he is doing “healthy”? Well, it might depend upon who you ask. It is working for him and his wife and her insiders. Isn’t that what is most important? Her system is active and engaged. Mine…what is left of it…is pretty much shut down inside…or so I am told. Actually, I am not really sure.  After so much integration and with things being fairly quiet…I am not sure how much is “shutdown” and how much is blendedness. I really miss having regular times of meeting with someone who can understand.

Another interesting thing is that this woman is using a theophostic counselor. I wonder how her experience differs from mine. But then…it would differ…if only in that we are unique individuals with differing systems. I hope the best for both of them…as well as for that little girl and her adoptive mom.

All of us need support for something…whether it involves multiplicity or not. I hope that we can all open our eyes to the pain of others…whether we understand the cause of that pain or not. People are hurting. Isn’t that really all that matters? I hope we can see the pain in others and reach out…even if all we can do is offer words of support. If we have some answers or helpful counsel…that is all the better. But it starts with seeing…and acknowledging the pain.


  1. Well said! This is my first visit to your blog, and your questions bring up good points for all of us with mates to keep in mind. I think it’s great that you have the warning posted straight out that your site might trigger things for folks.

    • Thanks for coming by, Meredith. I felt the warning was important because I have seen people triggered by things that were written on forums. This is not really all that different and I wanted to be sensitive to others. 🙂

  2. So do you consider yourself “healed”? As you and I have been corresponding on my blog it seems me and my wife’s defender are still trying to hash out whether this whole blog thing is going to work because she feels exposed even though everyone’s names have been changed. She still believes a lie that I speak poorly of her and my wife. she just can’t bring herself to read my blog or journal even though I have given them complete access. It’s frustrating because I love my wife and her girls with everything within me. And I just want to share with others that DID is not this freaky thing that so many believe. But if my girls aren’t ready for me to share even though it’s completely anonymous I may have to back off a little. Sorry to blog on your blog. But since you’ve been asking, I thought I’d be honest and let you know we’re still working out the kinks.

    • Hi, Sam, I don’t know if you realize just how much you have written in your short comment. Some of it might actually be better addressed in email. I am sick, so forgive me if my thoughts are a bit foggy at the moment. I have no problem with your “blogging on my blog”. The purpose of my blog is to open discussion…to give others the freedom to ask questions…to share.

      I did read about you two trying to work things out. I think your love for them all comes out in your blog. However, when it comes to feeling exposed (aka vulnerable), that is such a personal thing. What one person may not consider as speaking poorly of…another might consider it to be so. It can be difficult to put yourself in another’s shoes, yet that is what you must do. You have a goal with your blog…to basically normalize DID to others. I think that what you have to ask yourself is whether or not your wife and her girls happen to agree with your goal. If they do agree…do they agree that this blog is the best way to do it? Is all the detail necessary? Or could it be done in a more general fashion?

      Even here, where my identity is “anonymous”, I am leery of saying too much about myself. The internet is not 100% anonymous as much as we would like to think it is. I always have to think about the potential consequences of what I share…especially since I have a minor child. He is our ultimate concern when it comes to protection. I have to consider that someone just might stumble across my blog and recognize enough in it to put the pieces together.

      I, too, wish I could share that DID is not some freaky thing. There are times when I have actually considered sharing that part of myself with others. Thing is…usually right around the time I get to that point someone publicly does something stupid that I feel perpetuates the disinformation and misinformation out there. (Search on my blog for Mungadze and United States of Tara for examples.) When that happens, I just pull inside and clam up. It is difficult not to be angry about it all…but that is another subject…I guess. As much as I would like the world to understand…it won’t…at least not enough of it to make it worth the risk of sharing openly.

      Am I “healed”? LOL So much depends upon what you consider “healed” to mean! There is no one definition for that…it is such a personal thing. Even my own definition of healing has changed a lot over the years.

      I can say that I have experienced a lot of healing in different areas of my life. Some of it has been huge leaps forward…healing events. Some of it has been slow and over the long haul. I have experienced huge amounts of integration (another thing that has no one definition). Yet, having come out of SRA, I recognize that there could be a lot that I have not seen yet. My main healing has come through my Creator…with the help of some awesome therapists and a lay counselor or two. Timing was of the essence in my situation as my son was in danger. So, G-d tailored events to come about just the way they needed to in order to keep us both safe.

      Everyone’s journey is different. I do not believe I will be totally healed of everything in my life until I stand in front of Yeshua at the end of all time. Does that mean that there are not things that might individually be totally healed before then? Not at all! I believe that some things can be totally healed…but again…it depends upon what you are talking about and how you are defining “healing”.

      I hope I have helped and not merely created confusion.

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