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Being Triggered and Shame

March 24, 2010

I hate being triggered, especially when I feel shamed. I have not really felt shamed for a long time, but I sure felt it tonight. Oh, it wasn’t intentional. I know it wasn’t…but that does not change the way I felt…or my struggle. I ended up flashing back right into the old pain…as if I’d never left. It raised all kinds of fears that I had to fight back down…but the biggest thing was the shame.

I felt as if all the old systems were back in place. It was like being in a double bind…lose/lose…no way to win. It sends me reeling and all sorts of other programming gets triggered right along with it. This makes two very significant triggerings within about a month. Unfortunately, I am not in a position to be able to discuss it with the one who did the triggering…not yet at least. It is really hard because I know he did not mean it. I know he loves me very much and would never want to hurt me.

Maybe I will come back to this. For now…I just wanted to get it out.

4 comments

  1. Horray for you for getting it out. This does suck. But I think one fortunate outcome of healing is that the trigger states don’t last quite as long and aren’t quite as severe. Hope you feel better!


    • You are correct, Paul…they don’t last as long, although this one feels just as severe. But that may just be my overwhelmed perception, ya know?

      Thanks for the “horray”. It sure was nice to read it!


  2. It can be so surprising when we have the triggers we do. The most innocuous, innocent things can set them off and usually at the least opportune time. Shame is a big one for me, but also grief. I recently was triggered regarding deep, internal grief and at first it upset me because I thought I’d dealt with it all. I mean, I KNOW that the Lord has healed me ~ so where did this come from??

    Someone very dear reminded me that grief is like an onion and there are layers, all separate and individual. Sometimes even, when you slice open an onion you can see one thread of brown running through that is distinct from all the others. Sometimes the layers are different shades. Regardless, looking at grief ~ and I suspect, shame ~ in this way helps me to not be overwhelmed or in despair when I encounter them, for the Lord is with me each step and is thoroughly healing each layer.

    I know how hard it is. ❤


    • I hear you. Sometimes I am still amazed at the intensity with which some triggers hit. I do see layers in guilt, but never thought about applying it to shame. I would guess it probably applies there, too. It is really kind of weird. It is like I am in today and then slammed back into the past as far as my emotions go. So many of my flashbacks are emotions with no visuals, although, sometimes, I get glimpses of the visual, too. *shiver* Thanks for your support. ❤



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