Triggers and Blow-ups and Talking About Things

March 26, 2010

We had a blow up at our home this morning. It was nobody’s fault and both of our faults. It was scary for me…as major disagreements typically are. Thankfully, we don’t have them very often. In fact, you could almost say they are rare, even with the increase due to our living situation. It is pretty amazing…truly a G-d thing.

BUT…back to this morning. Even though I KNOW that he is totally committed and would never leave…the fear hits when he walks out the door. Is he going outside to work on something? Or is he going to leave? Mind you…he has never left…but the fear still comes up.

I prayed a lot this morning…for wisdom…to be changed…to understand…for us. The whole thing felt overwhelming and I felt helpless…and maybe even a bit of hopelessness started to creep in there, too. The good thing is that we were able to have a good talk later. We have very little privacy which means that we cannot typically get things out in a timely manner. So things build up. That does not help.

Hopefully, our living situation will change within the next few months…at least before the next winter. That will help a LOT…but it won’t solve everything. It will give us privacy to talk. Privacy for me to work more on my healing. Privacy for us to work more on being a husband and wife. (That brings up a lot of mixed emotions…but more about that in another post.) It will be easier on our son, too…and just all the way around.

Everyone who knows our situation has told me that there is NO way they could have done it.  Well…we can’t, either. As I said…it is a G-d thing. It is only with the grace and mercy of Yahweh who gets us through that we are able to do it.

Anyway…I was able to share how I had been triggered in a huge way yesterday. He knew about the previous one, but not this one. It is good that he knows…that he is able to understand…at least somewhat. The fact that I could even talk about it so soon is a miracle. I guess it shows that I am farther along than I thought.

I am definitely better today. It is good that I was able to explain how and why I got triggered and why it is next to impossible to talk about when it happens. It is really difficult to share when I feel as if I am in a lose/lose…not that he makes it so…but that is how I hear it…how I experience it.

So many times, he can say something and I hear it totally differently than he meant it. And that goes both ways. Although he is not a ritual abuse survivor…he does have his own stuff. His father was abusive and his parents eventually divorced.  My parents stayed together and both were perpetrators. So much for family stability!

Triggers can happen in so many ways…like the way I start to feel like a small child when I get really sick or if I am physically hurt. I am there. I don’t lose continuity, but I am emotionally oftentimes like a child who is struggling to behave like an adult. Which brings me to another part of our living situation. I have to hide that I am triggered. There is no safe place to just emote and let it out. So I struggle not only with being triggered, but also with feeling like I have to hide it. This, too, we talked about this morning. It does not change anything…but it is good to at least talk about it.

In spite of the rough start…today was a good day.


  1. I’m happy for your good day. And I hope soon your situation will change for the better.

  2. “I have to hide that I am triggered. There is no safe place to just emote and let it out. So I struggle not only with being triggered, but also with feeling like I have to hide it.”

    Sweet Jesus, I feel like you’re talking about me, and how I feel many times as daily events trigger the “flashbacks.” They cause physical reactions, not just emotional and mental ones. Cold flashes, sweaty palms, a tightness in the chest, a quickness of breath.

    Now hide all of that. Don’t let anyone see. Don’t let the feeling leak out or escape, And for all that’s holy, don’t let me face anything that could accelerate this feeling and make me want to lash out . . . lose whatever control I fool myself in believing that I still have.

    Whew! Just reading about another’s experience can be a trigger. Glad I have time to sit and meditate before having to deal with even the smallest task.

    But, thank you for opening up and sharing. I know I am not alone.

    Neither are you.

    michael j

    • Oh, michael…my heart goes out to you. Although it hits each one of us differently…it does hit us. So, in my own way, I do understand.

      I try so hard not to let my stuff flood over into the lives of my husband and son. I wish I could be different than I am…but I am not. Thing is…I don’t wish to be different for my sake, but for theirs. I am content to allow the healing to happen as it needs to. I am not content, however, to have it effect them any more than is necessary.

      I also struggle with being that vulnerable and that open…even though I know my husband loves me and would never leave me. There are things he just does not get and, although he is willing, there are things he just cannot do for me. I feel, in essence, alone in this. It is good that I can recognize that it is just a feeling and that I am not really alone. I have the love of my heavenly Abba/Father. I have Yeshua who is always walking with me through all of this. I have the Ruach HaKodesh/Holy Spirit living within me. And I have my online friends who understand.

      No, michael…you are not alone! I am honored to walk this journey alongside of you.

  3. […] 6, 2010 · Leave a Comment In Triggers and Blow-ups and Talking About Things, I wrote about feeling like I have to hide. The following poem, written in February of 2009, […]

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