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What’s In a Song

April 1, 2010

Vodpod videos no longer available.

This song really touches me deeply. It makes me want to cry. Although my life with my ex was not quite like that, there were times when I was afraid of him. But I don’t think that is quite what it is. I think it is the helplessness…the feeling of being trapped. I have felt that way almost all of my life.

Even as an adult, I felt trapped in my relationship with my parents. Moving out sort of helped…although I did end up back at home…where I felt even more trapped.

Getting married did not help, either…at least not the first time.  I was still trapped. I was still enmeshed with my parents…especially my mother. Of course, I am sure it did not help that my first marriage has all the earmarks of a cult arranged marriage…an alliance.

It was not until my second marriage…my non-cult marriage…that things started to change for me.  It took a while, but he provided a bit of a buffer between them and me. I started to be able to be around them and feel more comfortable…which isn’t saying a whole lot since I did not feel all that comfortable anyway.

My parents could control me so well. Hubby kind of interfered with that a little. It would take quite a few words to describe what would go on between us. It was so subtle and between the lines…not something an outsider would easily pick up on. In fact, I was still in the dark in so many ways as to how they were manipulating me. That is the way of the cult…programming…training. And I had been trained well for my job.

I did break free, though. It was a bit hairy as layer after layer of information came up. It was a journey…a process. It was a fight…and well worth it. My son was my biggest motivator. I was fighting to keep him safe.

So this song…I see a woman who is trapped. She could no more leave this jerk than fly. Just like I felt with my parents. I could not separate from them…not truly…not on a deep level. They had me.

But it isn’t just the video…it is the words, too.  Because of You I relate to hiding how I really feel. I grew up that way. Now I can be more real, but for most of life…even my adult life…I had to hide how I really felt…especially with the ex.

Even now I struggle at times with being open. That is mostly because I just don’t think people would be able to understand the depths of what I go through and what I feel…especially when I get triggered. That is when I hide the most. I am slowly opening up more. It depends on who I am with. And it depends a bit upon who I am, too.

Working on freedom hasn’t been easy. I am still working on it. Healing is hard.  So is being open. Being open is also a gamble. I just keep inching my way there…and then pulling back…observing. Some day…

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12 comments

  1. Thanks for sharing that. I appreciate it. I may not have your exact experience, but my wife’s and mine helps me relate to what you are saying.


  2. Thank you for coming by, Sam. I appreciate your comment.


  3. There is a secular book that helped me very much: “If You Had Controlling Parents” by Dan Neuharth. Among other things, the author addresses the issue of “leaving home emotionally” which is harder than it sounds. This may be something you might like to read.
    http://www.amazon.com/If-You-Had-Controlling-Parents/dp/0060929324/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1270264807&sr=8-1


    • Thanks, Quivering Daughters. Yes…the emotional aspects can be difficult. For me…it is rather complicated. I will write more about it when I am not sick. Gonna go title a post to remind me.


  4. Arranged marriages are really hard for outsiders to understand. I’m so sorry, yet I am so glad you chose to excommunicate. You’re a powerful woman, and it helps all of us to read your words, hear your song… even if it takes us to a place of tears.

    My kids were everything I fought for… even if I couldn’t be with them. That’s when I knew I was about love.

    Good for you.


    • I hear you, Meredith. Thank you for your kind words. I actually heard the song at Defrauded Daughters blog. (Her blog is in my sidebar on the right.)

      I am a survivor of SRA, and arranged marriages in that realm are a bit different from what people ordinarily think of when they hear the term “arranged marriage”. I have titled a post with that and put it in my drafts so I can address this in more detail.

      Fighting for my children has always been my biggest motivator. During my first marriage it actually helped keep me alive. Yes…love is really what it is all about…starting with the love of our heavenly Abba/Father.


  5. SRA, as well. My first marriage… I didn’t realize what was going on, at the time. I can reate.


    • Ah yes…then you do understand.


  6. Talk about triggers. I forgot the memories that song brings up. But thank you for writing this. Thank you for always being courageous enough to share!


    • Isn’t it amazing the things that can come seemingly out of the blue? Things that stir up memories…whether those memories are of events, people or even just emotions with nothing specific attached? It is all part of flashbacks…even the tiny snippets of things. I find the triggers open more doors of healing for me…so, in a sense, I welcome them…even though some can be pretty hard to deal with in the moment.


  7. ” . . . I just don’t think people would be able to understand the depths of what I go through and what I feel…especially when I get triggered . . .”

    Could be that no one, except those who’ve experienced the trauma, can really understand us. Or what little it takes sometime to pull the trigger.

    I hear you . . .

    never stray from the sidewalk,
    always stay on the safe side,
    never trust anyone . . .
    Because of You

    michael j


    • I think you are right on the money, michael! It takes someone who has gone through it to understand it. Yet…everyone has something. It might not be just like mine…but they have something. And in that sense…they “get it”. They might not get what causes it or how deeply it goes…but they get that something is there…and they do care…some of them.

      I push myself to slowly step off that sidewalk…to show a bit more of myself to the ones I sense might be the safest. I am cautious…and yet sometimes bold. Being able to be anonymous online lends itself to some boldness.

      Unfortunately, one of the programs that gets triggered once in a while (thankfully not nearly as often now) is the one where I trust no one…where all of my perceptions become warped and I find myself spiraling into isolation and questioning all of my relationships. It is a nasty program. Thankfully, I can now recognize it for what it is. I cannot change my perceptions…but I can at least know that it is not real and ride it out.

      Oh, my gosh…”what little it takes sometime to pull the trigger”. There are times when I get blindsided because of how little it can take. And it can be simple things…things that would have others scratching their heads. Sometimes…it has ME scratching my head because so many of my flashbacks are just hard core emotions without visuals. There is a reason for that…a reason which might change in the near future. Oh, boy…what possibly might open up for me then. I could be looking at a deep ride. And that’s OK!



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