I Was…

April 21, 2010

I was working on a poem and then sort of lost steam. I found myself making a comment to my husband that brought up the subject…but did not really take it where it needed to go. That is mainly because I am stumped. I just don’t know how to make it any better. It is not that he is unwilling.

I guess it would help to explain. I have been very cautious about saying too much openly about having DID. There are several reasons for that. One is that there are some people I let have this link when I first started it…people who do not know about the DID. It was not really my intent to discuss my own so much as to educate people about the things survivors go through and to introduce them to the reality of DID without blatantly talking about my own. I am hoping those people are no longer looking at this blog. Because, if they are, I am counting on them to use discretion and NOT share what I share here with others in our circle. My having DID is a well-kept secret.

Now…I know that some are probably saying “Bet me! Others probably know more than you think.” Well…in my case…I don’t think so. For one thing, I don’t lose time. Or at least I don’t lose it in any noticeable way. I may be “forgetful”…after all I AM dissociative. But my switching…when it does occur (which is not real often) appears more like a mood swing and is rather subtle…if it is even noticeable at all. I do not tend to lose continuity and I remain aware.

I do share with others that I am a survivor…and I even sometimes mention the SRA. However, I tell everyone that I have PTSD, which is true, but I put everything I experience under that “safe blanket”. And, actually, that is not necessarily far off. I read somewhere that they are now considering moving the whole DID spectrum underneath PTSD.

So, for me, it is actually easy to hide it…although it is not necessarily easy to live with it hidden. Hiding it comes with a cost. Hiding the fact that I have it comes with a cost.

There is so much that I could write now that I am willing to take the risk of openly sharing more about myself. However, it still makes me nervous. In the beginning, I also used to link to this blog from my regular blog. In that blog, I sometimes mention being a survivor and I sometimes take up survivor causes at times, but I NEVER mention having anything other than PTSD.

So…I recognize that I am taking a risk here. Of course, anyone with even an ounce of detective skills can put two and two together if they read here. Still…I have been “comforted” by the safe “feeling” of never really coming out and saying it.

Well…I am rambling here. My thoughts are a bit scattered as I contemplate where I want to go from here and how open I really want to be. I hope that others will be helped by what I share…although I don’t necessarily feel I have any real answers for some things. We are all on this journey as survivors together. We have all survived different things, but we do have some common grounds in how it effects us…whether we have DID or not.

We all have the lies of our childhood to replace with truth. We all have some form of flashbacks…even if they are simply triggers that bring us back into old patterns of behavior…or sudden intense emotions that we are at a loss to explain. We all have to work on our healing and on how we view what has happened to us. Some of us are still uncovering what happened from behind a cloud of amnesia. We are all broken in some way.

I realize that I have not really shared the issue that needs communication…the issue that I am stumped on…and that I started this post about. But I think I have shared a whole lot here that I have not shared previously. I could take this post down without even publishing it…but I won’t. I think it is time. I am just going to have to trust that those of you who know who I really am are trustworthy. If I did not think you were, I would not have allowed you to know my real identity. I would not have shared my other blog with you…or my FB. Please don’t let me down.


  1. Thanks for sharing. I hope your confidantes prove worthy!! I know how important that is.


    • Thanks, Sam. I hope to get more into this soon.

  2. I know it isn’t easy. So few people in real life know about my DID. I haven’t shared my blog with anyone I know in real life, only with internet friends who already knew. I understand what a big step it is you are taking. Congrats and hang in there. Hopefully now that you have posted this you will be more free to write.

    • Thanks…I hope so, too. I am taking it as slowly as I need to.

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