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Rough Days

April 26, 2010

The last few days have been rough. Stuff is happening in life that make things harder. We came home to find a barbed wire fence across our driveway. While it is on the border of the two properties, we share an easement. So, now we have to use a second driveway that is on our land that we have not finished. It is very rough, but we can get in and out. Delivery people can’t…but we can.

It is just one of a few things that have made the last few days difficult. I feel very vulnerable. We have been good neighbors…yet, we have had a “feeling” about this guy ever since we first met him when he bought the property next door.

The fence…barbed wire. I think one of the problems is the barbed wire. It feels so barbaric. I think of the Constantine wire they used on the fence top of the freemason camp not too far from where we last lived…the camp that Matty remembers from when we were in our teens.

The fence…blocking our easy ingress and egress…feeling violated. Sharing in good faith…allowing him to use our creek crossing to get to his separate meadow. Him walking our land and putting in stakes without permission and without us saying anything to him. I feel violated.

He lies. I HATE lies!!!! Says he had a survey done…but there is none registered with the county. It could be he did not register…however, he also could not show the paperwork to the sheriff. He showed a plat map to the fencer implying it was the needed paperwork. It is not. The fencer is now backing off after we showed him that it was just a plat map. The plat map shows the easement.

Angry words…on both sides. Incredulity on ours. Jive on his. Lies and false accusations to try to justify his actions. But they don’t…justify his actions. He just looks petty. We are talking about a tiny corner of his land…a tiny corner…barely big enough to hold our van. The rest of the driveway is on our land.

Stupidity…because of the easement, he could actually insist on having free use of our creek crossing. Now he has no access because he put a fence up. That is OK. We actually like the fence and he is paying for it. But we want it on the right line. He is paying big bucks to get a crossing put in. Good!

The fence…separation. Sometimes separation is a GOOD thing…like now.

Words…our place is an eyesore. We supposedly have money to fix it up. Yeah, right. That is why my guys are working on the driveway and crossing with shovels and 5 gallon buckets rather than renting a loader to move the rock and gravel. My guy has been unemployed. Neighbor thinks we should sell motorcycles to get money. Yeah right. Mine has not run since before we moved onto the land and hubby’s needs a tire we cannot afford. It is not like he has seen us out riding them around.

Attempted justification…just like the abusers. Always “good” reasons for what they do. Liars! It is all about control and manipulation.

This guy and his wife are lost people. We have the Creator to turn to. Our heavenly Abba comforts us. Who do they have? We pray for them.

Ugly fence…barbed fence…a reminder of how lost they are. A reminder to pray for them and show love to them anyway. If it is legal…I will hang pretty ribbons on fence “to keep our chickens on our side”…but really…to make a thing of beauty out of a thing of ugliness. I will make it beautiful. When I have money…I will plant pretty shrubbery on the fence line. Or flowers.

Ugliness…to beauty. Ugly fence to beautiful fence. Ugly attitude on one side of fence…beautiful attitude on this side…as best we can.

He is hurting himself more than he is hurting us. We have the L-rd to turn to. We have an inner joy that he cannot steal.

The days have been rough. It has felt like darkness closing in as I have been overwhelmed. It amazes me how it can overtake me. PTSD has been triggered. After we came home to the fence I found I could not type…constant mistakes. An my words…they kept getting mixed up…both in typing and verbally. Very triggered.

Then came the darkness closing in…between that and all the other things going on in life. Deep inner sense of spiritual peace…but emotional darkness. It seems like a contradiction…a paradox. Yet it is there. I know who I am. I know in Whom I trust. Yet…emotionally I can be falling into a dark hole. The way it overtakes makes me wonder if it is something that is being triggered…like a program…rather than merely the emotional fallout of recent events. I don’t know. I am just here for the ride…and hanging on.

This year the anniversary of my sister’s death actually effected me less. She died on my birthday. I still have my moments of grief. This year was better…or perhaps I was too distracted by neighbor’s meanness? Or maybe it was both. I don’t know.

So, here I am. I am going to have to stop writing and go to bed. Our living situation pretty much forces me to follow someone else’s sleep schedule. It is really wearing me out. It is no one’s fault…but I feel captive to someone else’s way of living. We do try to compromise…he tries very hard. But when you have one little living space shared by all…well…he needs more sleep than I do. There is no other room to go into. So…I try not to go completely insane in the process. I keep trusting and hoping that we will get out of this soon. It has been over 4 years.

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12 comments

  1. “ugliness..to beauty” that what this entire healing process is about. Taking the filthy things that other people did to us, and turn it into something usable, something that helps us be more kind, more caring, more loving to each other.

    Sorry about the fence, may you find peace about it soon!

    Blessings.


    • Thanks, Sam. We are working it out…finding out what our legal options really are.


  2. Oh boy. This is terribly painful. I know what you mean about the concept of barbed wires. I mean, this is the antithesis of how you approach life…

    But I can see parallels to dissociative coping. In some ways, those kinds of barriers are almost perfect metaphors for our own experience.


    • Paul…thank you. Please…tell me more about the parallels. I feel there is something important there that my mind wants to shift away from. When I read your words, I sense something there and a fog gets in the way. Please share more!


  3. 😦 I am so sorry. {{{hugs and prayers}}}


    • Thanks, hon. I know all things pass and I know Who I cling to…or more importantly…Who holds me together! All hugs and prayers from you are appreciated!


  4. You are on my mind. I wish there were a practical thing that I could do for you. I really do!


    • You made me smile, Sheena. And you made me tear up. Know why? Because in the little bit of you that I know from your writings and our interaction…I know that you really WOULD do something practical for me if you could. And that makes me both smile and cry at the same time. Thank you for caring.


  5. Sorry to hear about the fence situation. That would trigger me too, we had a situation similar to that growing up. I hope there is a peaceful resolution soon.


  6. The concept of a fence, a physical barrier, is what drives DID, right? So, anything that reminds us of something we struggle to overcome, is not that good a thing. When it’s something that’s not only right in your face, but has “barbed” wire, then it’s like throwing oil on a fire.

    As I heal, and perhaps this is true for you, I become more sensitive to physical barriers like this.


    • Thank you, Paul. That really helps. I had not looked at it that way…but that makes SO much sense! All I knew was that I got really triggered by the whole thing and the barbed wire was definitely a part of it. Of course, with my history…there is good reason for the barbed wire to be triggering…but what you wrote adds another dimension to it.

      Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I think that being able to see connections like that really helps with healing and with working through the triggers that come up in life.

      I still don’t like seeing that fence…although, with him being the way he is…it is probably a good thing it is there…once we can make sure it is really on the property line. In this case…I am grateful for the boundary. I see it almost as a protection from him…a good wall in a way. Even though the way it came about is rather nasty.



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