h1

No Pretending…No Hiding…

April 27, 2010

I am not going to pretend that I am not struggling…because I am. I spent a HUGE part of my life pretending.

Pretending I was not effected.

Pretending I was not hurt.

Pretending I was not confused.

Pretending I was not angry.

Pretending I was happy.

Pretending I wanted to live.

Pretending I was OK.

Pretending I did not think I was losing my mind.

Some might call it “hiding”.

Hiding my true feelings.

Hiding what I was going through.

Hiding my hurt and pain.

Hiding my anguish.

Hiding my humiliation.

Hiding my fear and lack of confidence.

Pretending…or hiding. Does it really matter what you call it? I just refuse to play the game any more. However…having said that…I am also not going to check my brain at the door. I am smart. A stupid person would not have survived all of this. While I refuse to play the game…I also refuse to expose myself unnecessarily. Some risks are worth taking…and some are not.

Right now…I need help. I cannot get it in the standard survivor places. For whatever reason, the Ship keeps timing me out. Sometimes I can get on just fine…and stay on. Most of the time, however, I cannot get on or I get kicked off fairly soon after getting on. That makes it impossible for me to use the Ship much for getting or giving support.

I have no therapist. I don’t really have any 3D people who support me fully. I have some who care and who support as they can…but they don’t know the “whole” story…and so are only partially useful.

When I think of 3D support…there is a couple who have started coming to mind…a pastor and his wife. It is interesting because, when I first met them, I had a “feeling” I should talk to them. However, at the time, nothing fell into place for that. There was an uncomfortableness…something was in the way. Since then, I have gotten to know them in a different venue. Over time, we have really connected…something that really took off when I listened to the L-rd and went and prayed for them and talked with them after they had gone through something.

Now…as I am getting desperate for some kind of 3D support, they keep coming to mind. Is G-d telling me that I can trust them? That I can be more open with them and they will at least accept it…even if they don’t understand it? I don’t know. I am not rushing into anything. I am going to keep on praying about it.

My pastor knows my Dx, but there are reasons that he and I just will not work out. Plus…with this guy…I am well connected to his wife. That is even better. There is also another pastor who knows my background, but not my Dx. He is really nice…and very caring…but I am just not prepared at this point to open up further with him, either.

So…what will I do with this? I really don’t know…other than keep praying about it. Desperation always passes eventually…but it is awful while in the midst of it. I just know that I need help…I need support…and they keep coming to mind. It would be so nice to have at least one couple that I could be more open with.

There was another couple that I felt pretty comfortable with. Thing is…he has a rather strong personality. I saw him get miffed about something and he scared me. No…he is not scary and he did nothing wrong. Every person has a right to get angry. But something happened inside that I now have to work through. That makes me kind of sad. He is a really neat guy and was OK for quick hugging…in front of his wife, of course. I really like her and connect with her, but their schedule makes it difficult to get together with them. And if we don’t get together…it is kind of difficult to work through the issue of his becoming scary to me.

So no…I am not doing the greatest. I have been worse, but I have also been a lot better. I won’t pretend that I am not having some rough days. I will keep looking to my Creator. He is the only One who can get me through this. Yeshua will never leave me or forsake me. The Ruach makes me strong.

Advertisements

4 comments

  1. I’m not 3D but you know, I’m here. This is aside from the point because I know you are going through some heavy stuff but the style of writing in this post is very sassy and direct and I appreciate it.


    • Sassy? LOL Well…that made me smile! I looked up the definition. Thank you, Merriam-Webster. http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/sassy

      I like the 2nd and 3rd definitions!Thank you, Sheena.

      Direct…yeah. That’s me. Not everyone appreciates that directness, but I have found that more do than don’t. Besides, if that is what I need right now…then that is what I am going to do! Today is better…but I still need to find a 3d source of help. I know myself. I have learned to maintain really well…even when I am walking a fine line. I am tired.


  2. I really like what you say here, I really connected not only to your “list” but also to your struggle to find 3D people that you long to connect to yet wonder if you should.


    • Thank you. I know that you and I are not alone in that struggle. I hear about that kind of struggle from others, too. It is sad really. It seems like the ones who most need support find it the hardest to get.



Please feel free to share your thoughts.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: