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Wiped out…

May 5, 2010

I am wiped out…emotionally and mentally exhausted. Tomorrow morning I have to get up early and I am dragging myself around trying to put on a happy face…or at least an “I’m OK” face. Not sure is is working very well.

I feel almost paralyzed. Someone I love…someone I used to be very close to…is so changed that I am grieving. He was a dear friend…someone who understood multiplicity…someone who was instrumental in some of healing earlier on. But that person no longer seems to be around and hasn’t for a while.

He is there physically…but all of our communications are awkward…whether via phone…or email…IM. It does not matter…he just does not seem to hear me anymore and sometimes I cannot understand what he means. He has said and done things that have closed  off my ability to really open up my heart to anymore. Oh…I love him. That has not changed. But trying to communicate with him is high stress for me now and has been for a few years. It is time to accept that the person I knew and interacted with isn’t coming back…not without a miracle. I am tired of hoping, though.

My living situation is stretching me to the max. The stress levels are soaring and a neighbor and his fence thing was just like the catalyst for the breaking of the tear dam. I find myself fighting tears off and on every day. There are so many things in my life being effected by our situation…hubby’s unemployment…the tiny living space…no privacy, etc. And through it all…the old messages keep wanting to play.

I had a dream the other night that really reflects how I feel about some things…but I am too wiped out to try and put it here. I did start to type it up in Word and then added to the printout. Maybe tomorrow I can edit the doc and copy it into here. I don’t know. I am just not doing well.

I am safe, though…so no worries. I made that decision about 9 years ago. I am just beside myself. Of course…only a multiple can TRULY be beside him/herself. *wink* Yeah…see…no matter what…gotta keep the sense of humor…right? Right.

I don’t know what I am doing. There is a couple I have sort of come to know…a home schooling pastor and his wife…that keep coming to mind when I think of 3d support. It is scary to be open…but I am trying to see if they would be OK with meeting with me every week or two for a while. I just need someone I can talk to about what is going on…someone to listen…someone non-judgmental that I can share my history with. This couple knows me well enough to know I am not a crackpot. In fact, I have been there for them in some ways. But this is asking a lot. I am not in their congregation. I don’t live really close…in fact, I am not even sure I can figure out the gas thing. I need to at least be able to afford the gas to go see them.

I don’t know. I just know that I am facing stuff and I am really trying to hold on. They are supposed to be putting in a foundation so they can build a house shell so that we can have some ROOM…some DESPERATELY NEEDED ROOM!!!! I am trying to hold on…and deal with PTSD…and grieve. Grieve. Grieve. Grieve.

8 comments

  1. Look for the positive in everything and I mean everything. Do this daily. Do it like as if it was food you needed to eat even thought it isn’t actually literal food.


    • Believe me…I do. I have always looked for something good and positive. I have clung to that and to my Creator. I have known Yeshua/Jesus since I was a very young child. I know that is who kept me alive and helped me to survive growing up and the ensuing adult years. Looking at positive things alone will not stop the effects of my living situation. It helps…but only my Creator can get me through it.


  2. I’m sorry to hear this! It is heartbreaking. I hope that you find the help that you need!


  3. I couldn’t agree with you more! Our Lord is is the only one who can really satisfy me! Your blog is refreshingly real & I really appreciate you!


  4. I’m was saddened when I read your post today. Grief is so hard to cycle through.

    I, too, have had a few friends who reached a point where they could not handle my DID, anymore. It seems to saturate environments, at times, draining it of color.

    When I look back, I feel thankful that they were as courageous as they were able at the time. I don’t know what your situation is, but my life has been marked by goings of separate ways…because DID is exhausting… and very slow. A lot of people–good people–can’t handle it, after awhile. In retrospect, I get that. It’s hard, though.

    I’m sorry for your situation, right now. I’ll keep you in my thoughts.
    ~Meredith.


  5. Praying for you. {{hugs}}


  6. Thank you all. I am soooo tired.


  7. […] 9, 2010 · Leave a Comment Previously, I wrote about trying to get hold of a couple to try and find some kind of in person (3D) support. […]



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