What’s Going On…

June 5, 2010

I am not sure what I am feeling. Physically…I feel so-so. I am always a bit up and down when it comes to physical stuff. Mentally…not doing too badly. This is not one of my “space cadet” days. Emotionally…hmmm…how do I describe it? It is almost as if there is an emotion…some kind of feeling…just beneath the surface. I catch glimpses of it now and then, but it is not strong enough to identify it. So, I am left unsure of what I am feeling.

Then it comes on stronger…but not any clearer. It is very frustrating. Same old thing…emotional flashbacks. Or…it could also simply be something inside that needs to come out but my living situation just does not allow for that. I picked up a cloth doll that I need to pack outside because there is just no room in here. Oh, the feeling I felt when I just sat there holding it. It has been sooooooo long. The younger parts of my being need an outlet. I typically curtail them. They want to express and I feel I must say “no”. Sometimes that is VERY hard. It is like they surge forward and I have to fight and explain to them that others would not understand…that it is not safe. Oh, the longing I sometimes feel from them. *sigh*

I hate it when I feel antsy…especially when I am either unsure what to do about it…or don’t have good access to what I need to do about it.  I really need to get to a private place…speaking of which I am so excited about next week. I get to go spend three days all alone in a big log house. Some friends are going away and I am going to spend the time just “being” and going through my art work so I can take photos for the upcoming webinar I am going to do. I have been packing and paying attention to what I need to bring.

The main focus, of course, is going through my art for the webinar. They have huge rooms with lots of floor space. I will actually be able to lay all my art pieces out and see them all so that I can organize them and sort them. They also have some rooms with good outside light coming through the windows. I am hoping to get some good photos that way without having to use flash. We’ll see how they turn out.

My date got changed from August to July, so I really need to get working on it. I do already have a list started of what I want to cover in the webinar. I don’t think it will really take me that long to finish it once I get the art pieces organized and photographed.

Other good news is that progress is being made on a place for us to move to. It will probably be several more months…although I keep hoping it will be sooner. I have made it through this so far, but it has been really hard. It is my hope to get into a bigger place and be able to work more on areas of healing that I am unable to do now. I look forward to doing more healing art…to writing more poetry. I am hoping that the guitars and keyboard are not ruined being in a shipping box in this weather for 4 1/2 years.

I am looking forward to getting back into shape. This living situation has taken its toll on my health, my weight and my overall fitness.

I am looking forward to being able to organize things and find things. I am looking forward to not being paralyzed by being surrounded and closed in upon.

I am looking forward to having PRIVACY!!!!!! To having doors I can shut and be ALONE!!!!! Yes!!!!

I am doing OK overall, although it does not always feel that way. I really have to take things one day at a time. I struggle at times with not living in my head in order to escape the reality of my living situation. That is especially the case when things are tougher…like when I am sick…as I was recently.

I will get through this. I have made it this far. I will make it to the end. I know my heavenly Abba has His plan…His purpose…His timing…for all things. I trust Him.


  1. I’m so happy to read that you’re going to have some time alone to do your artwork and ‘expand’ for a few days. What a relief for you. Have a wonderful time.

    • Thanks, Meredith. I don’t think I will be working on anything, per se. At this point, I will be going through and sorting what I have done and taking photos…starting with the pieces I want to use in the webinar.

      Beyond that, I will most likely be reading and writing and simply enjoying being able to be myself…and being alone.

      Once I can get some photos, I can also start putting some of them up on my new Healing Art blog. 🙂

  2. I know I’m a bit late but I’m glad you were able to have some time to yourself and to your art. I can’t wait for your living situation to be complete. You will have to through the biggest party or have the most beautiful scared space ceremony or something blessing your home.

    • LOL A celebration party is planned. And yes…there will be a dedication to the One who is providing it. I won’t write anything more here…but you know where the other information is to be found. 😉

      Wouldn’t it be awesome if you managed to find your way to my neighborhood around that time? If you did, you would be most welcome, my friend!

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