Letter to My Parents
June 24, 2010Back in July of 2008, I sent my parents an email after my mother left a message on my in-law’s answering machine with a new phone number. I got a one word answer. Thus started some VERY sporadic, mostly terse, email communication with them. I was not really expecting anything…just testing the waters.
Well…here it is almost two years later. I felt it was time to write a summarizing email. I really hate loose ends…so I am tying a knot in one right now.
Here it is:
I really thought a lot about whether or not to write this. It almost ended up being a coin toss…seeing as how that is about how much I believe I mean to either of you.
Oh, I know…I can hear it now…how I am the “big bad daughter” who “used and abused you all those years” and who “lied to you” and who “hurt you deeply”, yada…yada…yada.
Well…I didn’t do all those things and I don’t really buy the whole thing about how “terribly hurt” you. You see…you don’t really behave as if terribly hurt. What you behave like to me is more like you are angry because your covers were pulled and your plan did not work. You did not get what you wanted…and you still aren’t.
You, mom, wrote some real heart things. That actually gave me hope (silly me) that you actually wanted to communicate…for real. Yet, when I answered you…you did not respond. Oh, OK…I get it. You can be “real” and express your “truth” and your “hurt”…but when I do likewise…forget about it.
As for you, dad…all you seem to be interested in is what I remember. The feeling I get is that you just want to debate the validity of my memories. Well…I am not going to share with you…for reasons already previously stated. And even if I were to share with you…I will not debate anything. I know what is true.
Well…if that is all you really you want…that’s OK. The few communications we have had in the last year or so have basically confirmed to me what I had already suspected was most likely the case…that nothing has really changed. Well…that is not entirely true…I have changed. I am no longer the weak woman/child responding to your manipulation cues.
I also know it is not really about me. It is about my son. He is the only one you are really interested in. You don’t want a relationship with me…only him. That is all it has really been about since the beginning.
I know about your plan to move in and gain total access to him while manipulating me and attempting to push me over the edge. Thing is…it didn’t work. I have to admit…you did come close. But you didn’t allow for the Holy Spirit knowing what your plan was and revealing it to me. He is bigger than anything you can come up with. He is the One who thwarted your plan…not me. He is the One who led me to the truth…and to real help.
I can’t vouch for your relationship with our Creator…but mine is real…very real. I have actually seen Him protect me. And others…who knew nothing of the situations I was in…actually saw angels protecting me.
Now…I want you to understand something. I am not angry…although my email may sound like I am. No…it is with something more like resignation and sadness that I write. Sometimes…that is just the way life is.
I pray for you. I hope that you will find real peace and healing as I have. Have I totally arrived yet? Of course not…not until Yeshua/Jesus comes back. But I have come a long way…and I pray for you, too, to find that before you die.
In a way…this email is really about saying “goodbye”…at least for now. I am not really locking the door shut. I am too persistent of a dreamer to do that…in addition to the fact that I believe in honoring you both. I know…you are probably rolling your eyes and choking at that one. It doesn’t matter. The truth is the truth whether you choose to accept it or not.
Anyway…here’s the deal. I will respond to whatever you write…IF…you show me that you really want to communicate and work through some things as a family…and IF…you don’t attack me. I will NOT stand for being attacked. The truth can be spoken in love.
If you don’t want to…I am OK with that…sad…but OK. If you don’t…you are welcome to write me and tell me so…or not. If I don’t hear from you I will simply take it that you are not ready to do that. Perhaps…in the future…you will be. Just remember…none of us knows just how much “future” we really have. Any one of us could go on any day…and with your ages…that is even more likely with you two.
So…yes…this is a sort of “goodbye”…or perhaps more accurately…an “until later”. Ever the optimist…I will keep hoping. As for being a realist…well…I will let my heavenly Abba take care of that.
Go with G-d…the L-rd and Creator of the Universe…YHWH…Abba, Yeshua/Jesus and Holy Spirit.
love,
A Survivor's Thoughts on Life 
Survivor,
I wrote a very similar letter to my parents recently, with so many of the same elements in this post. I hadn’t written to them in quite a long time, and in our last short exchange over the phone some time ago, I can never be sure that they even heard what I said. Their filter selects out what they want to hear.
I received a short note, and then a longer letter soon after that, loaded with condemnation and shame and guilt… and urgency. As my father said to me at one point, “I want things to go back to the way they used to be.” They don’t understand that even if I wanted to do so, I don’t think that what they want is possible anymore.
So I decided since it’s been some time since they’ve had anything in writing from me in an objective format that they could read and keep, I needed to write out my feelings, wants, and needs for them again. As I wrote, I was amazed at how the same feelings and statements come forward, and the letter I wrote a few weeks ago is essentially the same letter that I wrote five years ago, ten years ago, and twenty years ago. I am still waiting to be heard and have those feelings, wants, and bare minimum needs acknowledged. I though I don’t feel very hopeful that anything will change, I pray that it does. My heart does not break all over again that way.
Those who might read this, please pray for my parents and for me. Pray for my husband and his family of origin, too. Like the Queen of Hearts, I love to believe impossible things, though I no longer reach to believe six impossible things before breakfast, or however that quote from Carroll goes. I cannot grasp for the idol of the fantasy of finding the acceptance I so desire any longer. I’ve grasped at it desperately and tried to claim it — catching only emptiness far too many times. (Einstein said insanity is the repeating and repeating of the same thing while expecting something different to happen.)
But every now and again, I put my hand out and and pray that it might fall gently to rest upon my open, still, quiet palm like a feather falling from the heavens. May you find such a miracle. May I. May all of us.
Wow, Cindy. All I can say is that I relate. I really appreciate your sharing with me. It was very validating. I, too, covet prayers for my parents. I wish them no ill. I wish freedom for them. I just won’t play the games any more.
This response is truly beautiful, and dear. Too bad you folks don’t see the lovely woman their daughter is.
my best,
~meredith~
Thanks, Meredith. Lately, I have been having difficulty seeing myself as a lovely woman.