July 4, 2010

Paul recently wrote about injury in the context of DID. My mind is swirling so much that I found it challenging to focus on what he wrote. I wish I had copied my reply before kicking it off.

I was injured…methodically…repeatedly…starting when I was a little girl…although I don’t think I ever thought of using the word “injure”. Perhaps that was because it was mostly non-physical. My injuries were mostly in the “heart” and mind…the internal stuff that no one really sees.

Although I feel very injured…I don’t remember ever putting that word to it. No…I used words like “defective”, “less than”, “not good enough”, “failing” and “broken” and phrases like “what’s wrong with me?” Injured…hm.

So…now I have a question:  Was the DID that resulted from the injury also an injury in itself? I don’t know. It was a coping mechanism…self-defense…a way to survive otherwise unsurvivable horrors.

These are just some thoughts rambling through my brain today.


Here is some of I wrote at Paul’s post. It gives an idea of how what he wrote first hit me:

Good vs bad. Helpful vs. hurtful. Needed vs. needing to be discarded. What is DID? As I read your post here I think of how I was so injured
growing up…injured to the point of developing DID in order to “survive”. I still feel injured.

Injury causing DID in the beginning. DID causing further injury later in life as it no longer fully helps and starts to actually hinder real functionality.

Seriously…my brain feels very non-functioning right now. DID? I don’t know. I want to cry. I think the idea of injury touches me deeply. I
have never…that I know of…ever used the word “injury” to describe anything that happened to me in regard to DID or even PTSD. Wow!

Injury. I was injured. It caused DID. Is the DID actually an injury in itself? I don’t know. It seems more like it was the bandage that was applied to try to keep the injury from getting worse.

Sorry…I don’t even know if I am making sense. I want to understand what you wrote, but all I can offer is how it effected me…what I internalized and am trying to share back. I want to cry. What else is new lately?


  1. i think the DID is like scar tissue… it’s how we ‘repaired’ the gaping wound so we could proceed in life; but it is definitly not ‘normal’ tissue. and i don’t think all signs of it can *completely* go away… but without continued reinjury it can heal over time so it’s less noticeable. 🙂

    • That is a very interesting way of looking at it, Vague. I like that. Thanks for sharing. I think that makes a lot of sense.

  2. I hope your head is not still swirling. I published your comments, and I’ll email them back to you too so you have them. I think there’s not one way to interpret “injury”. How I think of it, though, and I said this in my reply to your comment… is that injury is the result of what happens. It’s not just the DID. That’s only one part of it. It’s the damage that individual parts in the system hold, the whole “ball of wax” so to speak, I think. But, again, everyone can and may view this differently. My point in putting it out there was to help people think about what they experience in order to be more at peace with it.

    • Thanks, Paul…I will check my email. I like that you put things out there for people to think about. It certainly got me thinking.

      I wonder if the DID does not, in itself injure? I know it can become counterproductive…and, in some cases, outright dangerous. So…while trying to protect from some injury…could it cause further injury of its own?

      I think of alters self injuring or doing things that sabotage progress. Can we separate the alters’ behaviours from the DID since there would be no alters without the DID?

      Something to think about. I don’t think having an answer is necessary for healing. It is just something to ponder.

    • Very profound. Thank you.

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