I Feel…

August 5, 2010

I feel drained…poured out. Overwhelmed.

I tried out a program online called Backyard Paradise. It is a sort of collage where you design your backyard from a variety of scenes. I chose a sand desert. Starting with that, I tried to show how I feel. I posted the result here in a piece called “Poured Out”.

I have another idea for showing how I feel, but I have not worked on it, yet.I hope to get it done and be able to turn it in for the third Expressive Arts Carnival.

This afternoon, I spoke with my former therapist…a wonderful, Christian woman whom I miss very much. She wishes I could get away for a week or two…take a real break from everything going on in my life. But I just don’t see how I can. I have two places I can go. One friend has offered to pay my way there (and for my son, too, if need be) and the other wishes she/they could. But there are things here that I need to be available for. I just cannot leave at this time. In some ways, I feel trapped here…stuck.

I keep looking to my heavenly Abba/Daddy…for comfort…for wisdom. Somewhere along the way I allowed myself to get sucked into some unhealthy thinking. I talked this over with D…the therapist. I feel as if I lost my way for a bit. The freedom in Yeshua that I once felt and experienced just sort of slipped away. It is not that the freedom was no longer there…just that I seemed to no longer have access to it. It wasn’t that I was lost. My Abba always knew where I was and He was right here with me. It is just that I lost my awareness of Him…of His love. I have been feeling confused…mixed up and filled with shame and guilt.

Why is that? I think a lot of it is just because I have been so vulnerable. I love my Creator…very much. I am so grateful for all He has done in my life…for His incredible love for me. I try to be open to whatever it is that He wants from me. I want to serve and obey Him both because I love Him and because I trust that He knows what is best for me…even if I don’t see it.

There are some things I have been reading in the last few years…while also in the midst of this living situation. These things had to do with what others thought obedience to G-d means…how that should look in our day-to-day lives. A lot of it “sounds” right on. The arguments are well written and, in my vulnerability, I found myself starting to lean toward some of them. But they are lies.

Add to that the fact that, as I heal, I change. As I come together inside, my understanding of things changes…and that includes spiritual things. There is so much that I once understood that I now find myself confused about.

The confusion is not about core stuff. I know who the Creator is. I know what Yeshua did for me. Of that, I have no doubt. However, how that plays out in my life…what I am supposed to do with that understanding and how I am to live is another thing. There are scriptures that I thought I understood. Either I did not really understand them…or the changing inside has caused me to lose some of that understanding…and I need to regain it.

In some ways, I feel like I am on the threshold of a deeper walk…a deeper knowledge…a deeper experience with my L-rd. I feel as if I am having to look at things with new eyes…and I need the help of the Holy Spirit to understand what I am seeing.

Many years ago, I had to ask the Holy Spirit for help. I needed Him to take away what I had been taught and to allow me to see what He has written in His word…the bible. I needed help to see what He was really saying…not merely what I had been taught He was saying. I needed to hear it from Him…as it were. And He did it. He opened my eyes and removed the bondage I was in to what I had been taught.

Now…I see myself in that place again. Over the years I have read much…walked much…understood much. But there are things that I have been taught since that time many years ago that have not been true…as I am now finding out. There has been error mixed in with the truth…and I need to sort that out.

Emotionally…I have been a wreck. Mentally…I have been in a fog…and drowning with too much input and no consistent for real solitude time. Spiritually…I have been more faithful than I thought, in spite of the confusion I have been experiencing. Yahweh is faithful…and I am so glad, for I could not do life if He was not.

So I am trying to take good care of myself. I am up against some things over which I have no control and very limited influence. However, I will do what I can. The stress of the living situation which adds to the PTSD has me feeling on the edge a lot of the time. I find myself fighting tears and withdrawing. Yet…I am also seeing little things I can do to try to preserve what little sanity I have left. I can only trust in my Abba for those things to work.

It is not easy to maintain when there are three of us in a tiny space. My guys are gone for a few hours today…which I desperately needed. However, just thinking of them coming causes me to feel the stress level starting to rise. So…I will try not to go there. I will get through this.

One comment

  1. […] A post related to this piece can be found here. […]

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