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Cruelty and Healthy Boundaries…

September 17, 2010

What my mother has done is cruel. I keep trying to empathize and to understand her pain. But not matter how much I empathize…no matter how much I forgive…it still hurts like hell. I am the unwanted daughter. I did not step up to the plate. I did not take over. I stepped out of line. I left. I have no desire to be a princess other than in the One True Creator God’s kingdom.

I will never live up to her expectations. Her expectations (and his) lead to death. I have chosen a different path. If they do not want me…they can forget my son. I was actually willing to let them talk to him on the phone, but if they don’t want me…forget it. That is not being selfish…it is being real. It is not being vindictive…it is setting boundaries…healthy boundaries.

Boundaries are not OK in the cult. My whole life I had no boundaries. I did not know where I ended and other people began. I was trained to be a chameleon…to anticipate others needs/wants. Those in the cult who knew the trigger words and actions could get anything they wanted. NO MORE!!

I was accessed by a “Christian” therapist after we moved here. He had experience with cult clients. Little did I know that he was not only cult himself…but that we had met many years ago. It ends here…and now! I will not kowtow to my parents. I will not kowtow to anyone but my Lord…and He does not ask me to. He lifts my head to look into His eyes so that I can see His healing love.

I hurt. I am angry. I do not deserve to be treated this way. Even IF I had been the worst daughter on the planet…rather than simply and imperfect one…I do not deserve this. I have reached out via email for a year and a half. It has gone nowhere. I tried. My conscience is clear. I have done what I can. It is their loss. They can blame me all they want…but they have a part in this. I am an adult. I will not submit to them or to their control. I will not go back to the way things were.

So I will continue to mourn what was and I will mourn what never was. I will mourn the dream of having a somewhat regular family. I will keep my heart open until there is nothing left…and at that point…I will mourn for what will never be. I have dreams. I have always had dreams. Many of them are just broken dreams…turning to dust beneath my feet. Oh, well.

I have survived. I will survive. Nay…I will thrive! In spite of how hard my life is right now…I have more freedom than I ever did living under their control. The Creator has given me the gift of who I am…all of me. I am His…and no one else’s…no one’s.

I hope we can make peace before she dies…same with him. But if it does not happen…I refuse to beat myself up with guilt that is not mine.

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4 comments

  1. Wish I could take you in my arms and let you rest your head on my shoulders and simply cry together.

    It is when the darkest evil envelops us, that we see the Light. The Creator conceals Himself until you realize there is nothing on Earth that matters more than your rising in His direction. Going toward Him despite (some Kabbalists may say “because”) of what has happened to each of us during the most terrifying and shameful moments of ourlives. Hell, we live though this, we can live through anything. Right?

    You are beautiful. You are lovely. You are loved.

    Now rest with the calmness that can only be found within.

    michael j


    • Thank you for caring, michael. Crying is a good thing and, sometimes, crying together is even better.

      I don’t see the Creator concealing Himself…I see Him revealing Himself. He desires us to know how very much He loves us…which is really comforting when the world is very challenging.

      He has brought me through the darkness many times and I know that He will continue to do so. He gives me peace…even in the midst of the storm, but I still have to walk through the pain and challenges of this life.

      Thankfully…He walks with me…right through the middle of the muck and the mire and the storm.

      I am so glad that this life is not all there is!


  2. I’m so sorry for all of this. Warm thoughts to all of you.


    • Thanks, Paul. I really appreciate that. I/we will get through it. It is very sad, though.



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