Maybe…It Is the Time of Year… (TRIGGER WARNING)

October 15, 2010

How I do during this time of year varies. But one thing seems to remain the same. At some point, I will get hit with the reality of what is happening out there. There aren’t really too many places where I can openly talk about this subject. My main FB profile is one where I cannot. I mean…I can mention it in passing…but to really share the horror of it? No way!

Part of that is because there are actually rather young people in my friends list and because there are people I don’t know well enough to be that open. Another part of it is how do you explain to people the things I have seen? The things I have experienced? I don’t even write that much about it here. How do you explain child sacrifices? How do you explain cannibalism? How do you explain ceremonial daggers with blood dripping from them? How do you explain seeing your father plunge a dagger into the heart of an infant after smiling at you? How do you explain having to choose who lives and who dies? How do you explain a bigger hand over your hand holding a dagger? How do you explain looking down at your own hands and finding they look so much like your mother’s? How do you explain emotional flashbacks that cause you to fight to keep from doubling over…to keep looking “normal” and “OK” to those around you? How do you explain being out and about and suddenly needing to be home…or some other safe place? HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN??????

I find that I don’t. I just keep on hiding it…inside. Maybe THAT is why I am feeling so emotional right now. Well…I KNOW there is more to it than that…but that IS at least part of it. I shove aside the things I know. In so doing, I think I am also shoving aside the things I don’t yet remember. There is a time…if we are on this earth long enough…when those things will have to come to the surface. A time when the hidden things buried deep within will have to be made known.

So…maybe it is the time of year…when all that is buried is touched upon by the knowledge I have of what is going on.


  1. I have to admire your courage…to be able to journal what is in your heart, in your soul, about the horrors of your past. I have attempted to journal my own inner thoughts, fears, and abusive past, but some in my system interfer. I’m not sure if they are trying to protect me, or themselves, but I feel I need to put into words what is rolling around in my mind. I ask, will writing it out help me or make things worse? Do I have the words to describe what went on, what was done to me, how I feel, my emotions so that I may better understand it all? Will others understand… believe? All I know right now is that I’m dying inside, rotting from the inside out. So I just wanted to tell you how much I admire your courage in being able to journal through your pain.
    ~Kris (System host)

    • Oh, Kris, I do understand what you are writing about. I journaled privately, at first, using passcoded documents. I also joined some private forums, which also helped. That allowed me to start sharing with others and reading what others experienced. It is still difficult to share. I still have those times in my own mind when I start to wonder about myself. I face it and it pretty much goes away.

      Writing helps…and it makes things worse. It helps because it gets the swirling thoughts out where I can organize them and see them. It helps me start to make sense out of what I am going through. It makes it worse because there is something about putting it in writing that brings home the reality of what happened in the past…and what is happening now. It really makes it more real.

      Take heart. Things will get better, even though you might have to walk a dark road for a bit.

  2. Thank you. You said it perfectly. I know, because I know what you know.

    That’s the bravest thing I’ve heard you say, EVER. And I, personally, thank you for validating my life with your words… because I have the crazies right now, too. And it is really, really messing with my head after the work I did in the cities last week.

    We keep talking about it… to our therapist, to each other, somehow. We keep listening to ourselves, and to others whose stories are so consistent that I would swear that my brain was just downloaded into yours because it can’t possibly be real… and yet, you said it. I can’t. Thank you. Thank you for telling. For ten minutes, now, I have been able to focus long enough to not panic about how I’m going to get through these next few weeks.

    I wonder if we get to let go of what we know when we die. I really hope so.



    • Yes, Meredith…you understand. You…and I…and all of our fellow survivors…will get through the next weeks. We will…even though it may be a fight. But then…isn’t that part of why we survived…because we are fighters?

      I don’t pretend to understand it all. I just know that what I go through is real and something real happened to make me go through this. So, I keep validating what I know to be true and I keep relying upon Yeshua to walk with me through it…just as He always has.

      I know what you mean about consistent stories. In the beginning, I was careful not to read too much of other people’s stuff. I wanted no chance of memory contamination. Then I got to the point where so much of what I remembered and wrote about was confirmed by others that it did not matter any more. There are many things I have read that just do not resonate with me. But there is also a whole lot that does. I have learned to separate my stuff from the stuff of others.

      When we die…the children of the Creator are healed. I don’t know if we will forget, but I do know that He will wipe away our tears, remove our fears. I know we receive a new body. I also believe He will completely heal our minds. What that will look like…I really am not sure. Will he blend us perfectly so that we lose nothing and gain everything? I tend to think so. But really, only the Creator knows what we are supposed to be in the end…what we were really created to be…which I believe we will never really see in this life here on earth. Our thoughts are not His thoughts. Nor are our ways His ways. But then…we will know all truth and we will know Him as He knows us. That thought is way too big for my brain!

  3. I have really struggled with this time of year myself. And I know how hard it is to feel alone with it and that nobody else would understand and you can’t possibly explain so that they would understand. I’m sorry it’s so hard and painful. I hope (((((((safe hugs)))))) are okay.

    • Thanks, Marj. Safe hugs are very OK. It is comforting to know that others do understand and relate to the struggle this time of year…and also very sad. I cannot underestimate the value of those who have walked through similar storms supporting one another.

      Thanks for coming by and I offer safe hugs back!

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