Maybe…It’s Our Living Situation…

October 19, 2010

again…and still. I was reading at Meredith’s blog today. She mentioned the idea of boot camp for when you find yourself dealing with a breakdown. From what she describes I think my word for it would be a shutdown. She mentions moving and how it changed her whole boot camp routine…she had to find another. She also wrote about how the difficulties of today’s life mix with the struggles to deal with the past.

Wow…did I relate to that! I have the regular PTSD stuff to deal with plus I have current day life to deal with. My “boot camp”…all the things I would normally do in order to handle life and deal with flashbacks…were gone…no longer accessible due to my living situation. Although our life situations are very different, I definitely related to common ground of really big life changes.

We have been living in this situation for almost five years now. You would think that I would have gotten used to it. Well…I have learned to be very creative and to make the best with what I’ve got. However, I cannot create aloneness when I really need it. I cannot make room for art. I cannot soak in the same manner or take long showers in the same manner.

There are so many simple life things that impact me. Things like not having room to move around…to dance and burn off energy (and calories). Or not having the counter space needed to really enjoy cooking…or to easily fold laundry. It is a challenge to shower with a little bit of water and a six gallon hot water tank. I miss my favorite clothes due to having a very short closet and no place to hang longer items like dresses, jumpers and skirts.

Another struggle…noise. In a tiny place, there is no place to go to get away from things like…my husband munching on ice…or the noise made when my son enjoys his transforming car. It seems like even little noises start to grate on my nerves after a while. Or…when I am struggling (like at this time of year) they grate on my nerves right away. There are just times when I need QUIET! Ack!

There are times when it feels as if the walls are closing in. There is really no comfortable place to sit as everything is breaking down. I am out of shape…and overweight and I struggle with the solution for that in this tiny place. I don’t think very well anyway when surrounded by clutter. Add flashbacks to that or shutting down and I am in a fog.

What we live in is also breaking down. Could we make it through another winter…number six? Yeah…I think we would survive…but it would take a miracle for everything to hold up until spring. We really need to get into a house…now! And it looks like it is happening. However, the tenuousness of everything still hits at times.

So, yeah…on top of everything else…just maybe…it is the living situation.

Please feel free to share your thoughts.

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