Checking In…Again…

November 15, 2010

I am taking SamE again. I am not sure it is helping this time. I think I just have some major grieving to do and that is all there is to it. Still no response from my mother. Thankfully, my guys are gone so I have the freedom to let the tears flow. But I know it isn’t enough. I need to have the space and time to grieve. I cannot grieve according to a schedule.

I will be back when I can.


  1. The thing about grieving, it happens when you least expect it. Sometimes you don’t even realize you’re grieving. They say that grief moves thru FIVE phases:
    1.Denial and Isolation
    If this is the grief process, then I haven’t entered the first phase yet. I’ve ignored it all together I think.

    • Thanks, Kristinelil. I have also read that those phases are not necessarily in a particular order. We can experience them in different sequences and repeatedly. *sigh*

      I think I have a lot of stuff bottled up. Life situations have not really given me the opportunity to fully grieve, so I have had to “stuff” things. Some day…that damn’s gonna break.

  2. Stuffing the anger, sorrow, indignation, humiliation, etc. sits in my chest like a knot. Told from a young age that I had no right to my emotions, the knot grew larger, more difficult to manage, the pain growing deeper. Today, inappropriate at times, my emotions spill out in spurts in varying degrees of intensity. I fight against expressing my emotions in fear that once the gates are open, there will be no control, no rhyme or reason to it all. My on-again-off-again therapist fears I would become “temporarily phsychotic” emersed in a flood of uncontained hystarics of emotions. Not exactly something to look forward to. Yet she doesn’t have a solution as to how I avoid such a condition. The dam built up from stuffing every feeling is weakening and can not hold any more “stuffing”. 10 days of in-patient care last month certainly didn’t help. May you…and I find the help and peace we so desperately need, and for me…?…soon.

    • I, too, was raised with the idea that my own emotions are of no real consequence. I am sure there must have been times when I was hugged or comforted…but I really don’t know. I don’t remember. So much is buried in amnesia.

      I used to be fearful of letting anger out…afraid that the volcano would erupt with a never ending flow. The funny thing is…I did (and do) express anger. It is just that deep seated stuff that I was afraid of. So, I try to deal with it in little bits and pieces…but this situation does not allow much for that. I have no idea what will happen once I get back to having my own room and space. I pray it happens this year.

  3. I am late on this, but I hope things have improved and that you are able to find peace.

    • Thank you, Slamdunk! Little by little I am moving forward. The last few days I have been too sick to think much about it. I keep trying to have Yeshua/Jesus’ perspective on things. That is not always easy. I desperately need His help…especially when dealing with emotional safety and mental programming. I just want to do what is right and honor my parents.

      I am battling depression less…which is rather surprising. SamE works really well, but I found myself having to take the old doses again. Even then, it really seemed like it wasn’t quite doing it. I think that is because SamE cannot make up for stuffing emotions. I have to find safe ways to let them out.

      Thanks for coming by. I have not had much time to read anyone else’s blogs for awhile now. Life is just too much.

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