Parents…a Love/Hate Affair…

December 21, 2010

There is a drawing I did back in 2005 that so reflects how I feel right now. You can see it here:  Always Out of Reach.

My parents are one of several reasons I have not been writing here for a while.  Some of those reasons are good ones…I have been baking, shopping and wrapping. Others are not so good…I have been struggling in my living situation even more with the early onset of cold weather and snow and I have been emotionally drained from trying to deal with my parents. Yeah…my parents.

As you can see in the picture, nothing has really changed since I have been a young girl. The man who used to be my hero (in what I came to realize was a made up life) is just as unavailable as ever. The game playing still goes on. The manipulation attempts…or maybe…they are not merely attempts, but actually accomplishments…at least on some level…in spite of my attempts to not be drawn in.

Awhile back I phoned my mother. At the end of that call, she admitted that my perception of being pushed aside for my son was accurate. She was being real and she told me that she wanted me to know why that was. She said it was important, but not, apparently, important enough to answer any of my emails following the call.

Writing to my father produced more of the same messy communications as always…or should I say lack of communication. He ignores part of what I say, picking and choosing what he will respond to. His responses do not always make sense because he will quote me out of context. This last email he basically wrote everything I wrote back to me.

My husband had already written him…telling him to piss or get off the pot. Either communicate in a real way and start a relationship or back off. Make a choice. His choice was to parrot what I wrote to him back to me.

So, I wrote him with four things he could do to show me that I can start to believe what he writes to me. I have blocked his email addresses. He can do those things and he can write via my husband. If that happens, then I will consider unblocking his emails, but I am not holding my breath. No longer will my pulse race when I see an email has come into that email account for I will know it is not him.

I did not block my mother, though, so I won’t be surprised if she suddenly starts to write me. It is difficult to predict, but they do like to sort of play tag team at times. I hate to cut her off seeing as how she is dying. However, it does no good to try to connect if she is not truly open to connecting.

When Paul wrote and reminded us of sending in a piece for the 6th Arts Carnival, I started looking through my pieces to see what I might enter. When I saw this one, only two days after telling my father I was blocking his email, well…it just seemed fitting. As I wrote Paul sending him the link and telling him why this particular piece, I found myself tearing up. There is a lot of grief still inside over not having my parents and over never really knowing what it is like to grow up feeling secure, loved and sane. The only love I really remember is the love of Yeshua/Jesus.


  1. Thank you for sharing in this post about your parents. I am sorry for your pain. Appreciate your honesty.

    • Thank you. I am working through the pain.

  2. I’m sorry to hear of all the back and forth stress of trying to have a relationship with your parents. It’s ironic that traumatized kids work so hard to have parental relationships that ‘never were.’ I’m wishing you peace in resolution as you make this journey.


    • It is ironic! I think I have found a resolution of sorts. It is called setting healthy boundaries. It is possible that my mother may write. They do sometimes seem to play tag team. However, I really don’t expect to hear from either of them for a while. I seriously doubt that my father will write my hubby. Miracles do happen, but it would take a change of heart on my father’s part. I am willing to bet my next email…if it is even sent…is to tell me that my mother has died. That is when the challenges will start again. For now, I just have to put both of them out of my mind.

      • Just out of curiosity, what will change in your life if your father writes to your husband? Will it really bring healing?

        I’m not writing critically, please know this. My own experience was that letting go of my parents and learning a new way of being has been the most healing thing for me to do. I know it’s different for everyone, so that’s why I asked.


        • Good question, Meredith. I know you are not being critical. 🙂

          This might not make sense without you seeing the actual communications and having a bit of history…which would take a lot of writing. 🙂

          Basically, I gave my father four things he could do that would show me that he is serious and that I can start to believe what he writes. At that point, I would consider unblocking his email addresses. I based those four things upon what HE has written/said/done in the past and recently. If he writes my husband without doing those things…nothing changes. I will keep his addresses blocked and he will have to convince my hubby that he should not have to do those things. (Which has about as much chance as a snowball surviving in you know where.)

          There is actually more to this that I shall post about…hopefully today. I forgot to hit “save changes” when I blocked his email.

  3. […] my previous post, I share how I had written my father giving him four things he can do to prove to me that I should […]

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